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《人性的弱点》第6篇 第2章 爱--就让他自在的生活

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小编摘要:你要你家庭有个美满、快乐的生活,第二项规则是:别尝试改造你的伴侣。

"I May Commit many follies in life," Disraeli said, "but I never intendto marry for love." And he didn't. He stayed single until he wasthirty-five, and then he proposed to a rich widow, a widow fifteenyears his senior; a widow whose hair was white with the passing offifty winters. Love? Oh, no. She knew he didn't love her. She knewhe was marrying her for her money! So she made just one request:she asked him to wait a year to give her the opportunity to study hischaracter. And at the end of that time, she married him.

Sounds pretty prosaic, pretty commercial, doesn't it? Yetparadoxically enough, Disraeli's marriage was one of the mostglowing successes in all the battered and bespattered annals ofmatrimony.

The rich widow that Disraeli chose was neither young, nor beautiful,nor brilliant. Far from it. Her conversation bubbled with a laughprovokingdisplay of literary and historical blunders. For example, she"never knew which came first, the Greeks or the Romans." Her tastein clothes was bizarre; and her taste in house furnishings wasfantastic. But she was a genius, a positive genius at the mostimportant thing in marriage: the art of handling men.

She didn't attempt to set up her intellect against Disraeli's. When hecame home bored and exhausted after an afternoon of matchingrepartee with witty duchesses, Mary Anne's frivolous patter permittedhim to relax. Home, to his increasing delight, was a place where hecould ease into his mental slippers and bask in the warmth of MaryAnne's adoration. These hours he spent at home with his ageing wifewere the happiest of his life. She was his helpmate, his confidante,his advisor. Every night he hurried home from the House ofCommons to tell her the day's news. And—this is important—whatever he undertook, Mary Anne simply did not believe he couldfail.

For thirty years, Mary Anne lived for Disraeli, and for him alone. Evenher wealth she valued only because it made his life easier. In return,she was his heroine. He became an Earl after she died; but, evenwhile he was still a commoner, he persuaded Queen Victoria toelevate Mary Anne to the peerage. And so, in 1868, she was madeViscountess Beaconsfield.

No matter how silly or scatterbrained she might appear in public, henever criticized her; he never uttered a word of reproach; and ifanyone dared to ridicule her, he sprang to her defence with ferociousloyalty. Mary Anne wasn't perfect, yet for three decades she nevertired of talking" about her husband, praising him, admiring him.Result? "We have been married thirty years," Disraeli said, "and Ihave never been bored by her." (Yet some people thought becauseMary Anne didn't know history, she must be stupid!)

For his part, Disraeli never made it any secret that Mary Anne wasthe most important thing in his life. Result? "Thanks to his kindness,"Mary Anne used to tell their friends, "my life has been simply onelong scene of happiness." Between them, they had a little joke. "Youknow," Disraeli would say, "I only married you for your moneyanyhow." And Mary Anne, smiling, would reply, "Yes, but if you hadit to do over again, you'd marry me for love, wouldn't you?" And headmitted it was true. No, Mary Anne wasn't perfect. But Disraeli waswise enough to let her be herself.

As Henry James put it: "The first thing to learn in. intercourse withothers is noninterference with their own peculiar ways of beinghappy, provided those ways do not assume to interfere by violencewith ours."

That's important enough to repeat: "The first thing to learn inintercourse with others is noninterference with their own peculiarways of being happy ..."

Or, as Leland Foster Wood in his book, Growing Together in theFamily, has observed: "Success in marriage is much more than amatter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being theright person."

So, if you want your home life to be happy,

Rule 2 is: Don't try to make your partner over.


英国大政治家狄斯瑞利说:「我一生或许有过不少错误和愚行。可是我绝对不打算为爱情而结婚。」

是的,他果然是没有。在他三十五岁前没有结婚,后来,他向一个有钱的寡妇求婚,是个年纪恍他大十五岁的寡妇,一个经过五十寒暑,头发灰白的寡妇。

那是爱情?不,不是的。她知道他并不爱她,而是为了金钱而娶她。所以那老寡妇祇要求了一件事,她请他等一年。她要给自己一个观察他品格的机会。一年终了,她和他结婚了

这些话听来乏味,平淡无奇,几乎像做一次买卖,是不是?可是,使人们难以了解的是,狄斯瑞利的这桩婚姻,却被人称颂是对最美满的婚姻之」.

狄斯瑞利所选的那个有钱的寡妇,既不年轻,又不漂亮,是个经过半世纪岁月的妇人,当然差得远了。

她的谈话,常会犯了文学上、历史事迹上极大的错误,往往成为人们讥笑的对象。例如有这样一桩有趣的事……「她永远弄不清楚,是先有希腊,还是先有罗马。」她对衣饰装扮,更是离奇古怪,完全离了谱。至于对屋子的陈设,也是一窍不通的。可是,她是个天才!

她在对婚姻最重要的事情上,是一位伟大的天才--对待一个男人的艺术。

她从不让自己所想到的,跟丈夫的意见对峙、相反。每当一整个下午,狄斯瑞利跟那些敏锐反应的贵夫人们对答谈话,而心疲力竭的回到家里时,她立刻使他有个安静的休息。在这个愉快日增的家庭里,在相敬如宾的气氛中,他有个静心休息的地方。

狄斯瑞利跟这个比他年长的太太一起时,那是他一生最愉快的时候。她是他的贤内助,他的亲信,他的顾问。每天晚上,他从众议院匆匆地回家来,他告诉她白天所看到、所听到的新闻。而……最重要的……凡是他努力去做的事,她决不相信他是会失败的。

玛丽安……这个五十岁再结婚的寡妇,经过三十年的岁月,在她认为,她的财产所以有价值的原因,那是因为能使他的生活更安逸些。反过来说,她是他心中的一个女英雄。狄斯瑞利在她去世后,才封授伯爵的。可是当他还是平民时,他陈情维多利亚女皇封授玛丽安为贵族。所以在一八六八年,玛利安封立为「毕根菲尔特」女子爵。

无论她在众人面前,所表现的是如何的愚蠢、笨拙,他从来不批评她,他在她面前,从不说出一句责备的话…!如果有人嘲笑她时,他立即为她强烈的辩护。

玛丽安并不完美,可是在她后三十年的岁月中,她永远不会倦于谈论她的丈夫!她称赞他、钦佩他!结果呢?这是狄斯瑞利自己说的:「我们结婚三十年,我从没厌倦过她。」

可是,有些人会这样想--玛丽安不知道历史,她一定是愚蠢的。

在狄斯瑞利这方面,他认为玛丽安是他一生中最重要的,那是他毫不隐讳的。结果呢?玛丽安常告诉她的朋友们说:「感谢上帝的慈爱,我的一生,是一连串长久的快乐。」

他们俩之间,有一句笑话。狄斯瑞利曾这样说!「你知道,我和妳结婚,那仅只是为了妳的钱?」玛丽安笑着回答:「是的,但如果你再一次向我求婚时,一定是为了爱我,你说对不对?」

狄斯瑞利承认那是对的。

不,玛丽安并不完美的;可是狄斯瑞利够聪明的让她保持原有的她。

贾姆曾这样说过:「跟人们交住,第一件应学的事,那是不干涉人们自己原有那种特殊快乐的方法……」

「伍特」在他所着一部有关家庭方面的书上,有这样的写着:「婚姻的成功,那不祗是寻找一个适当的人,而是自已该如何做一个适当的人。」

所以,你要你家庭有个美满、快乐的生活,第二项规则是:别尝试改造你的伴侣。
标签:人性 弱点 自在
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2011-02-15 10:39 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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