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会引导的父母才是好父母

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小编摘要:说到指导我们的孩子的行为,我们要问问自己,我们依靠的是处罚还是纪律?

When it comes to guiding the behavior of our children, do we rely on punishment or discipline?

To many people, the two words above carry the same meaning. But let’s think about that here. I’m not trying to argue over semantics, but I would like to

offer a change in perspective.

Punishment is something that happens to someone. Discipline is something found in someone.

It’s a quality. Something that has been fostered and developed. When a person has discipline they have the inner fortitude to make right choices, to do what

needs to be done.

Children aren’t born with this discipline. They aren’t born knowing they shouldn’t take toys away form other kids, color on the walls, or flail in the

middle of the aisles of the grocery store when we say we won’t be buying the Super Crunchy Sugar Bombs. As young children they have a limited – but growing

– amount of impulse control and a thin slice of social grace. But they are growing and developing, and they canlearn.

Consider a new baby whose arms flail wildly until, over time, the baby develops enough control to generate purposeful movements. Similarly, it takes time for

preschoolers to develop the ability to move from acting on wild impulses to making controlled, thoughtful choices.

As I mentioned before, self-control and discipline are learned behaviors. As with any learned skill, there will be mistakes along the way and some steep

learning curves. It’s our job to help and teach along the way. When a child struggles to learn to ride a bike, we take some extra time to clarify the

process and coach her through.

We teach social skills in the same way: give extra support and extra practice, clarifying and coaching until that skill becomes second-nature. Whether it’s

riding a bike or making friends, mastering new skills takes time and multiple failed attempts before a child meets with success.

When we remember that young children are learning and growing, and that there is a developmental aspect to their behavior (not just spite), it makes it

easier to step back and keep the proper perspective. Perceived patience is actually a byproduct of increased understanding and appropriate expectations.

When a person says a child “needs to be disciplined” they are referring to the fact that the child appears to lack that inner discipline. But you can’t

force that on a child in one instance. And so the meaning of that phrase seems to evolve into a more actionable meaning, “that child needs to be punished”.

Punishment is an easy reaction. It doesn’t require much thought. Its aim is merely to make an experience unpleasant. As a childcare center director shared

with me in a discussion, “Punishment hurts. Whether it’s physically or emotionally, the intention of punishment is to hurt the child.” She recognized that

this approach does little to instill real discipline. A young child often sees little or no connection between their action and an adult’s hurtful reaction.

The relationship between the action and the punishment becomes convoluted and distorted.

Discipline comes from an understanding of choices and consequences, not force, punishment, and pain.

Let your focus be on guiding your children to develop actual discipline. This is not the fleeting good behavior that can be bought and bribed; this takes

work. It requires effort, and time, and being present to guide a child to learn from his mistakes and not simply be punished for them.

When the focus is on punishment as a reaction to improper behavior, we are only teaching the child not to“get caught” being “bad”. When we choose

proactive discipline, we teach moral decision-making. Instead of trying to control our children, we teach them to control themselves. Rather than governing

out of anger, we guide out of love.

That doesn’t mean we don’t feel anger. Parents are humans after all, and we tend to feel anger when an entire pitcher of orange juice comes splattering

down to the floor during a tantrum. But when we react out of anger – shouting, spanking, throwing adult-sized tantrums ourselves – the teachable moment for

creating real discipline is lost.

When we can find enough discipline in ourselves to take advantage of those teaching moments, we will be much more likeluide our children to develop discipline as well.


说到指导我们的孩子的行为,我们要问问自己,我们依靠的是处罚还是纪律?

对于许多人来说,上面所说两个词意思相同。但是我们在此应该细细思量一下。我不是就语义进行争论,而是想提出一个观点的改变。

所谓处罚,是一个人遭遇到的事情,而纪律,是一个人内心深处建立的东西。

纪律是一种品质,是一个人心底培养发展起来的东西。一个有纪律的人,在内心具备了作出正确抉择的刚毅、勇气与耐力,能够克服困难,完成需要做的事情。

纪律并不是在儿童身上天生的。生下来时他们并不知道他们不可以从其他孩子那儿拿走玩具、在墙壁上乱画、大人说不买超级炸弹脆糖时他们不该在杂货店货廊里乱动乱拿。作为

孩子,他们对冲动的控制是极其有限的,对社交礼仪的掌握是薄弱易碎的,但是这种能力是逐步递增的、发展的,孩子可以学习。

回想一下,一个刚刚出生的婴儿,两臂乱舞,后来,随时间推移,这个婴儿形成了足够的自我控制,一切动作,皆有目的。类似地,需要时间让一个学龄前儿童从任性而为形成能

力克制自我、三思而行。正如前面所提及的情况,自我控制与纪律是学到的行为。如同如何一种学会的技能一样,在学习的过程中会出错,有反复。在这个过程中帮助、教导孩子

是我们的职责所在。孩子努力学习骑自行车时,我们往往额外花费一些时间,解释清楚这个过程中的种种情况,耐心指导度过整个阶段。

我们教社交技能也是同样的方法:给予额外的支持与训练,解释、指导,直到这个技能成为他们的第二本能。不论是骑自行车还是交结朋友,掌握新的技能都需要花费时间,多次

无果的努力,唯有如此,孩子才能与成功相遇。

只有当我们记住小孩子是在学习、成长的过程中时,记住他们的行为有一个发展的方面(不仅仅止于此)时,我们才能较为容易的后推一步,保持适宜的观点。有洞察力的耐心,

事实上,是提升了的理解力和恰当的期望值的副产品。

有人说一个孩子“需要学会纪律”时,其所指的意思是这个孩子似乎缺乏内在的纪律。但是你不可能在一件事上就把纪律加到他头上,这个短语的意义似乎涉及到一个更加有争议

的意味:“这个孩子需要接受惩戒。”

惩戒是轻易就可以付诸实践的事情。惩戒不需要太多的思考。其目的仅仅是让一个经历不愉快。正如一个儿童看护中心的主任在讨论中与我同持的观点一样:“惩戒伤害人。无论

是身体上的还是精神上的,其目的就是伤害这个孩子。”她意识到惩戒这种方法不能真正激发纪律。一个小孩子通常很少会看到自己行为与成人充满伤害的反应之间的联系。孩子

的行为与惩戒之间的联系变得错综复杂、扭曲。

纪律、自制来自于对选择与其结果之间的理解,而非强制、惩罚和苦痛。

让你的重点落在指导孩子形成真正的纪律自制上来。纪律自制不是通过金钱可购买、贿赂的转瞬即逝的良好行为;它需要长期的工作。它要求努力、时间、父母在场指导孩子从错

误中学习而非仅仅给予惩罚。

当重点落在惩罚上,把它作为对不恰当行为的反应时,我们只是教育孩子“使坏”时“不要被捉”。当我们选择了积极主动的纪律自制时,我们教会了孩子明辨是非、决断担当。

我们不是试图控制孩子,我们教会了他们自我控制。我们不是出于愤怒管理他们,而是出于仁爱指导他们。

这,并非意味着我们不生气。毕竟,父母也是人,孩子耍性子,把满满一罐橘子汁溅洒到地上时,我们也会生气。可是,我们的反应出于愤怒时-——大嚷大叫,摔东西,使出成人

的性子时——创造真正的纪律自制的教育时机遗弃了。

当我们在内心能够找到足够的纪律自制、利用这些教育时机时,我们也会有更多机会指导孩子形成纪律自制。

标签:好父母 引导
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2011-02-07 13:28 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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