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《人性的弱点》第四篇 第3章 先说出你自己的错误

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小编摘要:要妀变一个人的意志,而不激起他的反感,第三项规则是:在批评对方之前,不妨先谈谈你自己的错误。

My niece, Josephine Carnegie, had come to New Yorkto be my secretary. She was nineteen, had graduatedfrom high school three years previously, and her businessexperience was a trifle more than zero. She becameone of the most proficient secretaries west of Suez, butin the beginning, she was - well, susceptible to improvement.One day when I started to criticize her, Isaid to myself: “Just a minute, Dale Carnegie; just aminute. You are twice as old as Josephine. You have hadten thousand times as much business experience. Howcan you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, yourjudgment, your initiative - mediocre though they maybe? And just a minute, Dale, what were you doing at nineteen? Remember the asinine mistakes and blundersyou made? Remember the time you did this . . . andthat . . . ?"

After thinking the matter over, honestly and impartially,I concluded that Josephine’s batting average atnineteen was better than mine had been - and that, I’msorry to confess, isn’t paying Josephine much of a compliment.

So after that, when I wanted to call Josephine’s attentionto a mistake, I used to begin by saying, “You havemade a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it’s noworse than many I have made. You were not born withjudgment. That comes only with experience, and you arebetter than I was at your age. I have been guilty of somany stupid, silly things myself, I have very little incliionto criticize you or anyone. But don’t you think itwould have been wiser if you had done so and so?"

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of yourfaults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admittingthat he, too, is far from impeccable.

E. G. Dillistone, an engineer in Brandon, Manitoba,Canada, was having problems with his new secretary.Letters he dictated were coming to his desk for signaturewith two or three spelling mistakes per page. Mr. Dillistonereported how he handled this:

“Like many engineers, I have not been noted for myexcellent English or spelling. For years I have kept alittle black thumb - index book for words I had troublespelling. When it became apparent that merely pointingout the errors was not going to cause my secretary to domore proofreading and dictionary work, I resolved totake another approach. When the next letter came to myattention that had errors in it, I sat down with the typistand said:

" ‘Somehow this word doesn’t look right. It’s one ofthe words I always have had trouble with. That’s the reasonI started this spelling book of mine. [I openedthe book to the appropriate page.] Yes, here it is. I’mvery conscious of my spelling now because people dojudge us by our letters and misspellings make us lookless professional.

"I don't know whether she copied my system or not,but since that conversation, her frequency of spellingerrors has been significantly reduced.”

The polished Prince Bernhard von Bülow learned thesharp necessity of doing this back in 1909. Von Bülowwas then the Imperial Chancellor of Germany, and onthe throne sat  Wilhelm II-Wilhelm, the haughty; Wilhelmthe arrogant; Wilhelm, the last of the German Kaisers,building an army and navy that he boasted couldwhip their weight in wildcats.

Then an astonishing thing happened. The Kaiser saidthings, incredible things, things that rocked the continentand started a series of explosions heard around theworld. To make matters infinitely worse, the Kaisermade silly, egotistical, absurd announcements in public,he made them while he was a guest in England, and hegave his royal permission to have them printed in theDaily Telegraph. For example, he declared that he wasthe only German who felt friendly toward the English;that he was constructing a navy against the menace ofJapan; that he, and he alone, had saved England frombeing humbled in the dust by Russia and France; that ithad been his campaign plan that enabled England’sLord Roberts to defeat the Boers in South Africa; and soon and on.

No other such amazing words had ever fallen from thelips of a European king in peacetime within a hundredyears. The entire continent buzzed with the fury of ahornet’s nest. England was incensed. German statesmenwere aghast. And in the midst of all this consternation,the Kaiser became panicky and suggested to Prince vonBülow, the Imperial Chancellor, that he take the blame.Yes, he wanted von Bülow to announce that it was allhis responsibility, that he had advised his monarch tosay these incredible things.

“But Your Majesty,” von Bülow protested, “it seemsto me utterly impossible that anybody either in Germanyor England could suppose me capable of having advisedYour Majesty to say any such thing.”

The moment those words were out of von Bülow's

mouth, he realized he had made a grave mistake. TheKaiser blew up.

“You consider me a donkey,” he shouted, “capable ofblunders you yourself could never have committed!”

Von Bülow's knew that he ought to have praised beforehe condemned; but since that was too late, he did thenext best thing. He praised after he had criticized. Andit worked a miracle.

"I'm far from suggesting that,” he answered respectfully.“Your Majesty surpasses me in manv respects; notonly of course, in naval and military knowledge butabove all, in natural science. I have often listened inadmiration when Your Majesty explained the barometer,or wireless telegraphy, or the Roentgen rays. I amshamefully ignorant of all branches of natural science,have no notion of chemistry or physics, and am quiteincapable of explaining the simplest of natural phenomena.But,” von Büllow continued, “in compensation, Ipossess some historical knowledge and perhaps certainqualities useful in politics, especially in diplomacy.”

The Kaiser beamed. Von Bulow had praised him. VonBülow had exalted him and humbled himself. The Kaisercould forgive anything after that. “Haven’t I alwaystold you," he exclaimed with enthusiasm, “that we completeone another famously? We should stick together,and we will!"

He shook hands with von Bülow, not once, but severaltimes. And later in the day he waxed so enthusiastic thathe exclaimed with doubled fists, “If anyone says anythingto me against Prince von Bülow, I shall punch himin the nose.”

Von Bülow saved himself in time - but, canny diplomatthat he was, he nevertheless had made one error: heshould have begun by talking about his own shortcomingsand Wilhelm’s superiority - not by intimating thatthe Kaiser was a half-wit in need of a guardian.

If a few sentences humbling oneself and praising theother party can turn a haughty, insulted Kaiser into astaunch friend, imagine what humility and praise can do

for you and me in our daily contacts. Rightfully used,they will work veritable miracles in human relations.

Admitting one’s own mistakes - even when one hasn’tcorrected them - can help convince somebody to changehis behavior. This was illustrated more recently by ClarenceZerhusen of Timonium, Maryland, when he discoveredhis fifteen-year-old son was experimenting withcigarettes.

“Naturally, I didn’t want David to smoke,” Mr. Zerhusentold us, “but his mother and I smoked cigarettes;we were giving him a bad example all the time. I explainedto Dave how I started smoking at about his ageand how the nicotine had gotten the best of me and nowit was nearly impossible for me to stop. I reminded himhow irritating my cough was and how he had been afterme to give up cigarettes not many years before.

"I didn’t exhort him to stop or make threats or warnhim about their dangers. All I did was point out how Iwas hooked on cigarettes and what it had meant to me.

“He thought about it for a while and decided hewouldn’t smoke until he had graduated from highschool. As the years went by David never did start smokingand has no intention of ever doing so.

“As a result of that conversation I made the decisionto stop smoking cigarettes myself, and with the supportof my family, I have succeeded.”

A good leader follows this principle:

PRINCIPLE 3 Talk about your own mistakes beforecriticizing the other person.


数年前,我的侄女约瑟芬,离开她坎萨斯城的家,到纽约来做我的秘书。约瑟芬十九岁,三年前从一家中学毕业,仅有一点点办事的经验;现在她是一位很能干的秘书了。

刚开始的时候,我看她实在有待改进。有一天,我想要批评她时,我先对自己这样说:「慢着,且等一等,戴尔·卡耐基……你的年纪比约瑟芬大一倍,你处事的经验,也高过她一万倍。你怎么能希望她具有你的观点?你的判断力?你的见解呢?戴尔,在你十九岁的时候,你做了些什么?记得你那笨拙、愚蠢的错误吗?」

真诚、公平的想过这些后,我发现约瑟芬比我当年要强多了。所以从此以后,当我提醒约瑟芬错处时,我总是这样说:

「约瑟芬,妳犯了一点错,可是老天爷知道,妳并不比我所犯的错误更糟。妳不是生下来就会判断一件事的,那是需要从经验中得来的。

而且,妳比我在你现在年纪的时候,要强多、乖多了。我自己犯过很多可笑的错误,我决不想批评你,或是其它任何人……可是,如果妳照这样去做,妳想不是更聪明一点吗?」

如果批评的人,开始先谦冲的承认自己也不是十全十美的、无可指责的,然后再指出人们的错误,这样就比较容易让人接受了。

圆滑的布洛亲王,在一九o九年,就已深切的感觉到,利用这种方法的重要……因为,当时德皇威廉二世在位;他目空」切,高傲自大,他建设陆、海军,欲与全世界为敌。

于是,一件惊人的事情发生了了! 德皇说了一些令人难以置信的话,震撼整个欧洲,甚至影响到世界各地。最糟的是,德皇把这些可笑、自傲、荒谬的言论,就在他作客英国时,当着群众前发表出来。他还允许「每日电讯」,照原意在报上发表出来。

例如,他说他是唯一对英国感觉友善的德国人;他正在建造海军以对付日本的危害。德皇威廉二世还表示,只有他一个人的力量,才能使英国不致屈辱于法、俄两国的威胁之下。他又说,英国洛伯特爵士,在南非战胜荷兰人,都是出于他的计划。

在这一百年来的和平时期,欧洲没有一位国王,会说出这样惊人的话来……那时欧洲各国的哗然、骚动,像蜂似的涌了起来。英国非常愤怒……而德国的那些政治家,更是为之震惊。

在这阵惊慌期中,德皇也渐渐感到事态严重,而有些慌张了。他向布洛亲王暗示,要他代为受过。是的,德皇要布洛亲王,宣称那一切都是他的责任,是他建议德皇,就出那些不可信的话来的。

可是,布洛亲王作这样的表示,他说:「但是陛下,恐怕德国人或是英国人,都不相信我会建议陛下说那些话的。」

布洛亲王说出这话后,立刻发觉自己犯了一个严重的错误。果然,激起德皇的愤怒。

他咆哮的说:「你认为我是一头笨驴,连你都不至于犯的错误,而我做了出来。」

布洛亲王知道应该先作某种的称赞,然后才指出他的错误,可是为时已晚了……他只有作第二步的努力在批评后,再加以赞美。结果,立刻出现奇迹--其实称赞常是这样的

布洛亲王恭敬的说:「陛下,我绝对不是含有那种意思,陛下在许多方面都远胜过我,当然不只是在海军的知识上,尤其特别是在自然科学方面。陛下每次谈到风雨表、无线电报等科学学理时,我总替自己感到羞耻,感觉自己知道得太少了……

我很惭愧,对于各门自然科学都不懂,化学、物理更是一窍不通,连极普通的自然现象,我也不能解释。但略可抵补的是,我对于历史知识方面,稍微知道一点,同时也有一点政治上的才能,尤其是外交上的才能。」

德皇脸上显现出笑容来,那是布洛亲王称赞了他。布洛抬高了他,抑低了自己。经布洛作这样解释后,德皇宽恕了他,原谅了他。德皇热忱的说:「我不是常跟你这样讲过,你和我以彼此能相辅相成而著名……我们需要赤忱的合作,而且我们愿意这样做。」

他不只一次同布洛握手,是很多很多次……那天下午,他紧紧握着布洛的手,说:「如果有人向我说布洛不好,我就用拳头,打在他的鼻子上。」

布洛亲王及时救了他自己!他虽然是个手腕灵活的外交家,可是他却做错了一件事。他开始应该谈自己的短处,而措出德皇的长处……不能暗示德皇,是个智力不足的人,需要别人保护的人。

如果用几句卑微自己,而称赞对方的话,可以把盛怒中傲慢的德皇,变成一个非常热诚的朋友。试想--谦逊和称赞,在我们日常生活接触中,能对我们产生那一些效果?如我们用得适当,在人与人之间的关系上,真能发生不可思议的奇迹。

所以要妀变一个人的意志,而不激起他的反感,第三项规则是:

在批评对方之前,不妨先谈谈你自己的错误。
标签:人性 批评
2
2011-01-28 13:47 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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