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《人性的弱点》第3篇第9章 每个人所需要的

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小编摘要:你要获得别人对你的同意,第九项规则是:同情对方的意念和欲望。

 

Wouldn't you like to have a magic phrase that wouldstop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will,and make the other person listen attentively?

Yes? All right. Here it is: "I don’t blame you one iotafor feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedlyfeel just as you do.”

An answer like that will soften the most cantankerousold cuss alive. And you can say that and be 100 percentsincere, because if you were the other person you, ofcourse, would feel just as he does. Take Al Capone, forexample. Suppose you had inherited the same body andtemperament and mind that Al Capone had. Supposeyou had had his environment and experiences. Youwould then be precisely what he was - and where hewas. For it is those things - and only those things - thatmade him what he was. The only reason, for example,that you are not a rattlesnake is that your mother andfather weren’t rattlesnakes.

You deserve very little credit for being what you are- and remember, the people who come to you irritated,bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit forbeing what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pitythem. Sympathize with them. Say to yourself: “There,but for the grace of God, go I.”

Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet arehungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them,and they will love you.

I once gave a broadcast about the author of LittleWomen, Louisa May Alcott. Naturally, I knew she hadlived and written her immortal books in Concord, Massachusetts.But, without thinking what I was saying, Ispoke of visiting her old home in Concord. New Hampshire.If I had said New Hampshire only once, it might have been forgiven. But, alas and alack! I said it twice, Iwas deluged with letters and telegrams, stinging messagesthat swirled around my defenseless head like aswarm of hornets. Many were indignant. A few insulting.One Colonial Dame, who had been reared in Concord,Massachusetts, and who was then living in Philadelphia,vented her scorching wrath upon me. She couldn’t havebeen much more bitter if I had accused Miss Alcott ofbeing a cannibal from New Guinea. As I read the letter,I said to myself, “Thank God, I am not married to thatwoman.” I felt like writing and telling her that althoughI had made a mistake in geography, she had made a fargreater mistake in common courtesy. That was to be justmy opening sentence. Then I was going to roll up mysleeves and tell her what I really thought. But I didn’t.I controlled myself. I realized that any hotheadedfool could do that - and that most fools would do justthat.

I wanted to be above fools. So I resolved to try to turnher hostility into friendliness. It would be a challenge, asort of game I could play. I said to myself, "After all, ifI were she, I would probably feel just as she does.”So, I determined to sympathize with her viewpoint.The next time I was in Philadelphia, I called her on thetelephone. The conversation went something likethis:

ME: Mrs. So-and-So, you wrote me a letter a few weeksago, and I want to thank you for it.

SHE:   (in incisive, cultured, well-bred tones): To whomhave I the honor of speaking?

ME: I am a stranger to you. My name is Dale Carnegie.You listened to a broadcast I gave about Louisa MayAlcott a few Sundays ago, and I made the unforgivableblunder of saying that she had lived in Concord,New Hampshire. It was a stupid blunder, andI want to apologize for it. It was so nice of you totake the time to write me.

SHE : I am sorry, Mr. Carnegie, that I wrote as I did. I lostmy temper. I must apologize.

ME: No! No! You are not the one to apologize; I am. Any school child would have known better than to havesaid what I said. I apologized over the air the followingSunday, and I want to apologize to you personallynow.

SHE : I was born in Concord, Massachusetts. My familyhas been prominent in Massachusetts affairs for twocenturies, and I am very proud of my native state. Iwas really quite distressed to hear you say that MissAlcott had lived in New Hampshire. But I am reallyashamed of that letter.

ME: I assure you that you were not one-tenth as distressedas I am. My error didn’t hurt Massachusetts,but it did hurt me. It is so seldom that people ofyour standing and culture take the time to writepeople who speak on the radio, and I do hope youwill write me again if you detect an error in mytalks.

SHE: You know, I really like very much the way you haveaccepted my criticism. You must be a very nice person.I should like to know you better.

So, because I had apologized and sympathized withher point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizingwith my point of view, I had the satisfaction ofcontrolling my temper, the satisfaction of returningkindness for an insult. I got infinitely more real fun outof making her like me than I could ever have gotten outof telling her to go and take a jump in the SchuylkillRiver,

Every man who occupies the White House is facedalmost daily with thorny problems in human relations.President Taft was no exception, and he learned fromexperience the enormous chemical value of sympathy inneutralizing the acid of hard feelings. In his book Ethicsin Service, Taft gives rather an amusing illustration ofhow he softened the ire of a disappointed and ambitiousmother.

“A lady in Washington,” wrote Taft, “whose husbandhad some political influence, came and labored with mefor six weeks or more to appoint her son to a position.

She secured the aid of Senators and Congressmen informidable number and came with them to see that theyspoke with emphasis. The place was one requiring technicalqualification, and following the recommendationof the head of the Bureau, I appointed somebody else. Ithen received a letter from the mother, saying that I wasmost ungrateful, since I declined to make her a happywoman as I could have done by a turn of my hand. Shecomplained further that she had labored with her statedelegation and got all the votes for an administration billin which I was especially interested and this was theway I had rewarded her.

“When you get a letter like that, the first thing you dois to think how you can be severe with a person who hascommitted an impropriety, or even been a little impertinent.Then you may compose an answer. Then if youare wise, you will put the letter in a drawer and lock thedrawer. Take it out in the course of two days - such communicationswill always bear two days’ delay in answering- and when you take it out after that interval, youwill not send it. That is just the course I took. After that,I sat down and wrote her just as polite a letter as I could,telling her I realized a mother’s disappointment undersuch circumstances, but that really the appointment wasnot left to my mere personal preference, that I had toselect a man with technical qualifications, and had,therefore, to follow the recommendations of the head ofthe Bureau. I expressed the hope that her son would goon to accomplish what she had hoped for him in theposition which he then had. That mollified her and shewrote me a note saying she was sorry she had written asshe had.

“But the appointment I sent in was not confirmed atonce, and after an interval I received a letter which purportedto come from her husband, though it was in thethe same handwriting as all the others. I was thereinadvised that, due to the nervous prostration that had followedher disappointment in this case, she had to taketo her bed and had developed a most serious case ofcancer of the stomach. Would I not restore her to healthby withdrawing the first name and replacing it by herson’s? I had to write another letter, this one to the husband,to say that I hoped the diagnosis would prove tobe inaccurate, that I sympathized with him in the sorrow he must have in the serious illness of his wife, but that itwas impossible to withdraw the name sent in. The manwhom I appointed was confirmed, and within two daysafter I received that letter, we gave a musicale at theWhite House. The first two people to greet Mrs. Taft andme were this husband and wife, though the wife had sorecently been in articulo mortis."

Jay Mangum represented an elevator-escalator main-tenancecompany in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which had themaintenance contract for the escalators in one of Tulsa’sleading hotels. The hotel manager did not want to shutdown the escalator for more than two hours at a timebecause he did not want to inconvenience the hotel’sguests. The repair that had to be made would take atleast eight hours, and his company did not always havea specially qualified mechanic available at the convenienceof the hotel.

When Mr. Mangum was able to schedule a top-flightmechanic for this job, he telephoned the hotel managerand instead of arguing with him to give him the necessarytime, he said:

“Rick, I know your hotel is quite busy and you wouldlike to keep the escalator shutdown time to a minimum.I understand your concern about this, and we want to doeverything possible to accommodate you. However, ourdiagnosis of the situation shows that if we do not do acomplete job now, your escalator may suffer more seriousdamage and that would cause a much longer shutdown.I know you would not want to inconvenienceyour guests for several days.”

The manager had to agree that an eight-hour shutdown was more desirable than several days'. By sympathizingwith the manager’s desire to keep his patronshappy, Mr. Mangum was able to win the hotel managerto his way of thinking easily and without rancor.

Joyce Norris, a piano teacher in St, Louis, Missouri,told of how she had handled a problem piano teachersoften have with teenage girls. Babette had exceptionallylong fingernails. This is a serious handicap to anyonewho wants to develop proper piano-playing habits.

Mrs. Norris reported: “I knew her long fingernailswould be a barrier for her in her desire to play well.During our discussions prior to her starting her lessonswith me, I did not mention anything to her about hernails. I didn’t want to discourage her from taking lessons,and I also knew she would not want to lose thatwhich she took so much pride in and such great care tomake attractive.

“After her first lesson, when I felt the time was right,I said: ‘Babette, you have attractive hands and beautifulfingernails. If you want to play the piano as well as youare capable of and as well as you would like to, youwould be surprised how much quicker and easier itwould be for you, if you would trim your nails shorter.Just think about it, Okay?’ She made a face which wasdefinitely negative. I also talked to her mother about thissituation, again mentioning how lovely her nails were.Another negative reaction. It was obvious that Babette’sbeautifully manicured nails were important to her.

“The following week Babette returned for her secondlesson. Much to my surprise, the fingernails had beentrimmed. I complimented her and praised her for makingsuch a sacrifice. I also thanked her mother for influencingBabette to cut her nails. Her reply was ‘Oh, I hadnothing to do with it. Babette decided to do it on herown, and this is the first time she has ever trimmed hernails for anyone.’ "

Did Mrs. Norris threaten Babette? Did she say shewould refuse to teach a student with long fingernails?No, she did not. She let Babette know that her finger-nails were a thing of beauty and it would be a sacrificeto cut them. She implied, “I sympathize with you - Iknow it won’t be easy, but it will pay off in your bettermusical development.”

Sol Hurok was probably America’s number one impresario.For almost half a century he handled artists - suchworld-famous artists as Chaliapin, Isadora Duncan, andPavlova. Mr. Hurok told me that one of the first lessonshe had learned in dealing with his temperamental starswas the’ necessity for sympathy, sympathy and moresympathy with their idiosyncrasies.

For three years, he was impresario for Feodor Chaliapin -one of the greatest bassos who ever thrilled theritzy boxholders at the Metropolitan, Yet Chaliapin wasa constant problem. He carried on like a spoiled child.To put it in Mr. Hurok’s own inimitable phrase: “Hewas a hell of a fellow in every way.”

For example, Chaliapin would call up Mr. Hurokabout noun of the day he was going to sing and say, “Sol,I feel terrible. My throat is like raw hamburger. It isimpossible for me to sing tonight.” Did Mr. Hurok arguewith him? Oh, no. He knew that an entrepreneurcouldn’t handle artists that way. So he would rush overto Chaliapin’s hotel, dripping with sympathy. “What apity, "  he would mourn. “What a pity! My poor fellow.Of course, you cannot sing. I will cancel the engagementat once. It will only cost you a couple of thousand dollars,but that is nothing in comparison to your reputation."

Then Chaliapin would sigh and say, “Perhaps you hadbetter come over later in the day. Come at five and seehow I feel then.”

At five o’clock, Mr. Hurok would again rush to hishotel, dripping with sympathy. Again he would insist oncanceling the engagement and again Chaliapin wouldsigh and say, “Well, maybe you had better come to seeme later. I may be better then.”

At seven-thirty the great basso would consent to sing,only with the understanding that Mr. Hurok would walkout on the stage of the Metropolitan and announce thatChaliapin had a very bad cold and was not in good voice.Mr. Hurok would lie and say he would do it, for heknew that was the only way to get the basso out on thestage.

Dr. Arthur I. Gates said in his splendid book EducationalPsychology: “Sympathy the human species universallycraves. The child eagerly displays his injury; oreven inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundantsympathy. For the same purpose adults . . . show theirbruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially detailsof surgical operations. ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real orimaginary is in some measure, practically a universalpractice."

So, if you want to win people to your way of thinking,put in practice . . .

PRINCIPLE 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’sideasand desires.

 

你是不是愿意得到一句神妙的语句?一个可以停止争辩,消除怨恨,制造好感,使人们注意的听你谈话的语句。

是的,就有这样一句话,让我告诉你。你对人开始这样说:「对你所感觉到的情形,我一点也不会责怪你,如果我是你的话,我也有同样的感觉。」

就这样一句简单的话,世界上最狡猾,最固执的人,也会软化下来。可是你必需极是真诚的说出那些话来,假如你是对方的话,你当然有他同样的感觉。让我举出卡邦的例子:就以匪酋卡邦来说,假如你受遗传的身体、性情、思想与卡邦完全相同,而你也处在他的环境,也有他的经验,那你就会成为跟他一样的人。因为那些便是使他沦为盗匪的原因。

例如:你不是一条响尾蛇,唯一的原因是,你的父母不是响尾蛇。你不会跟牛接吻,不认蛇为神明,唯一的原因是,你不是生在勃拉乌波答河岸,一个印度家庭中。

你会成为你这样的人,可居功的地方很少。那个使你恼怒,固执不讲理的人,他会成为他那样的人,他有过错的地方也很少。要对这可怜虫,表示惋惜、怜悯、同情。约翰柯,他常说的一句话,你必须牢记在心,当他看到街上一个摇摇晃晃的醉汉时,常说:「如果不是上帝的恩惠,我也会走上他的道路.

你明天遇到的人,其中可能有四分之三都饥渴似的需要同情….!如果你同情他们,他们就会喜欢你。

有一次,我作播音演讲,说到「小妇人」作者亚尔可德女士。自然,我知道她是在「麻赛其赛斯」、「康考特」地方生长,及著述她的不朽名作。但我一时不小心,我说我曾到「纽海姆彼雪」的「康考特」,拜访过她的老家。假如我只说了一次「纽海姆彼雪」,也许可以原谅,可是我接连的说了两次。

随后,有许多的信函、电报,纷纷寄来质问我、指责我,有的几乎是侮辱,就像一群野蜂似的,围绕在我不能抵抗的头上。其中有位老太太,生长在麻赛其赛斯的康考特,当时她住在费城,对我发泄了她炽烈的盛怒。我看到她那封信时,对自己说:一感谢上帝,幸亏我没有娶那样的女人。」

我打算写封信告诉她,虽然我弄错了地名。可是她却连一点礼节常识也不懂……当然,这是我对她最不客气的批判。最后我还会撩起衣袖去告诉她,我对她的印象,是多么的恶劣……可是,我并没有那样做,我尽量约束自己,克制自己。我知道只有愚蠢的人,才会那样做。

我不想同愚蠢的人一般见识,所以我决定要把她的仇视变成友善,我对自己说:「如果我是她的话,可能也会有同样的感觉。」所以,我决走对她表示同情。后来我去费城的时候,打了个电话给这位老太太,当时谈话内容,大概是这样的……

我在电话里说:「某夫人,几个星期前,妳写了一封信给我,我的你表示谢意!」

电话传出她柔和、流利的声音,问道:「你是那一位,很抱歉,我听不出声音来?」

我对着手上话机说:「对妳来讲,我是一个妳不认识的陌生人,我叫、戴尔·卡耐基。……在数星期前,妳听我电台广播,指出我那桩无法宽恕的错误。把︵小妇人。作者亚尔可德女士生长地点弄错,那是愚蠢的人才会弄错的事……我为了这件事向妳道歉,妳花了时间,写信指正我的错误,我同时也向妳表示谢意。」

她在电话说:「我很抱歉,卡耐基先生,我在信果粗鲁的向你发脾气,要请你包涵、原谅才是。」

我坚持的说:「不,不,不该由你道歉,该道歉的是我:….即使是个小学生,也不会弄出像我那样的错误来。那件事,第二个星期,我已在电台更正过了.!现在我亲自向妳道歉。」

她说:「我生长在麻赛其赛斯的康考特……两百年来,我的家庭在那里一直很有声望,我以我的家乡为荣。当我听你说亚尔可德女士,是纽海姆彼雪州人时,实在使我难过。可是那封信使我感到愧歉、不安。」

我对着手上话机说:「我愿意实在的告诉妳,妳的难过不及我的十分之一。我的错误,对那地方来讲,并没有损伤,可是对我自己却有了伤害。像妳这样一位有身份、地位的人,是很难得跟电台播音员写信的。以后在我的演讲中,如果再有发现错误时,我希望你再写情给我。」

她在电话里说:「你这种愿意接受人家批评的态度,使人们愿意接近你、喜欢你……我

相信你是一个很好的人,我很愿意认识你,接近你。」

从这只电话的内容看来,当我以她的观点,对她表示同情和道歉时,我也同样得到了她的同情和道歉。我对自己能控制得住激动的脾气,这点我自己感到很满意…:.以友善交换了对方所给的侮辱,这一点也使我感到满意。由于使她喜欢我,使我得到更多的快乐。

凡位居白宫的要人,差不多都会遭遇到人类关系学中,这类问题的困扰。塔夫特总统也不例外……他从经验中,获得这样一个结论--同情是消解恶感最有效的药物。在他一部「伦理中服务」书里,塔夫特举了一个很有趣的例子,他请到如何使一个失望而有志气的母亲,平息心中的怒火。

塔夫特总统说:「住在华盛顿的一位太太,她丈夫在政界有相当的势力;她缠着我快有两个月的时间,要我替她的儿子安插一个职位。她还拜托了议院中的几位参议员,陪了她来我这里,替她儿子职位的事说话。

可是那职位所需要的是技术人才。后来经有关的主管推荐,我委派了另外一个人,继后我接到那母亲的来信,指我忘掉了别人施予的恩惠,因为我拒绝使她成为一个愉快的太太。她的意思是说,只要我举手之劳,就可以使她快乐,可是我就不肯这样的做。她又说出,曾经如何劝说她那一州的代表,赞助我一项重要法案,可是我对她却如此没有情义。

当你接到这样一封信的时候,第一件事,就是如何用严正的措辞,去对付一个不礼貌而鲁莽的人,接着,或许你就动笔写信了。

可是,如果你是一个聪明的人,你会把这封信放进抽屉里锁起来,经过两天后,再把这封信拿出来……像这类的信,迟上几天寄出,也不会受到什么影响。但当你两天后再拿出这封信来看时,你就不会投入邮箱,那就是我所采取的途径。

在那之后,我坐下来尽力用最客气的措辞写了封信,告诉她,我知道一个做母亲的,遇到这种事情时,会感到极大的失望。可是我坦直的告诉她,委任那样一个职位,并非由我个人的好恶,而是需要找一个合适的技术人才,所以我接受了那主管的推荐。

我表示希望她的儿子继续在他原来的工作岗位上努力,以期将来有所成就。那封信使她息怒了,她并寄了一封短信给我,对她上次那封信表示抱歉。

但我所委任的那个人,短时内还不能来上班。这样过了几天,我又接到一封署名是她丈夫的来倍,可是信上的笔迹,跟过去两封信完全一样。

这封信上这样告诉我,说他太太由于这件事,而患上神经衰弱,现在卧床不起,胃中或许已经长瘤了。为了恢复他妻子的健康,他要求我,能否把已委任那个人的姓名,换上她儿子的姓名,以恢复她的健康。

我回了一封信给他,那是给她丈夫的……我希望他太太的病况,诊断错误。而对他所遇到的情形,表示同情,可是要撤回已委派的人,那是不可能的。几天后,那人也正式接任……就在我接到那信的第二天,我在白宫举行了一个音乐会,最先到场向我和塔夫特夫人致敬的,就是这一对夫妇.

霍洛克该是美国第一位音乐会经理人,他对如何应付艺术家,像嘉利宾、邓肯、潘洛弗,有二十多年的经验。霍洛克告诉我,为了要应付那些性格特殊的音乐家,使他获得了一个

宝贵的教训……必需同情他们,对他们可笑、古怪的脾气,必需要彻底的同情。

有三年的时间,霍洛克担任世界低音歌王嘉利宾的经理人。最使霍洛克伤脑筋的是,嘉利宾本身就是一个问题,他的行为就像一个宠坏了的孩子。用霍洛克独特的语气来说:「他各方面都糟透了。」

例如:晚间如果有音乐会的话,嘉利宾会在当天的中午打电话给霍洛克说:「沙尔,」他叫霍洛克的名宇:「我觉得很不舒服,我喉咙沙哑得很厉害,今晚我不能登台演唱了。」霍洛克听他这样讲后,就同他争辩?不,霍洛克才不会这样做! .

他知道做一个艺术家的经理人,绝对不能作这样的处理。所以,他会立即去嘉利宾住的旅馆,显得十分同情的说:「我可怜的朋友,那是多么不幸……当然,你是不能再唱了。我马上去通知取消今晚的节目,你虽然损失了两、三千块钱的收人,可是跟你的名誉来相比的话,那算不了什么。」

嘉利宾听霍洛克这样讲后,他会怀着感触的心情,叹息的说:「沙尔,你等一会再来好了,下午五点钟来,看那时我的情形怎么样!」

到了五点钟,霍洛克先生再去嘉利宾的旅馆,他坚持要替嘉利实取消节目。……可是嘉利宾又会这样说:「你再晚一点来看我,到那时,或许我会好一点!」

到了七点半,这位低音歌王终于答应登台了。他唯一的条件,就是要霍洛克先生走到台上,向听众报告,说是嘉利宾患了重感冒,嗓子不好。霍洛克会假意的答应下来,因为这样嘉利宾才会登台演唱。

盖慈博士在他那一部著名的「教育心理学」书上,这样写着:一人类普遍的追求同情,孩子们会急切的显示他受伤的地方。有的甚至于故意自己割伤、弄伤,以博得大人们的同情。」

成人们也有类似的情形,他们会到处向人显示他的损伤,说出他们的意外事故,所患的疾病,特别是开刀手术后的经过。「自怜! .实际上是一般人的习性。」

所以,你要获得别人对你的同意,第九项规则是:

同情对方的意念和欲望。

 

标签:人性
1
2011-01-24 13:11 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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