《人性的弱点》第2篇 第6章 如何让人很快喜欢你
I was waiting in line to register a letter in the post officeat Thirty-third Street and Eighth Avenue in New York. Inoticed that the clerk appeared to be bored with the job-weighing envelopes, handing out stamps, making change, issuing receipts - the same monotonous grindyear after year. So I said to myself: "I am going to try tomake that clerk like me. Obviously, to make him likeme, I must say something nice, not about myself, butabout him. So I asked myself, ‘What is there about himthat I can honestly admire?’ " That is sometimes a hardquestion to answer, especially with strangers; but, inthis case, it happened to be easy. I instantly saw somethingI admired no end.
So while he was weighing my envelope, I remarkedwith enthusiasm: "I certainly wish I had your head ofhair.”
He looked up, half-startled, his face beaming withsmiles. "Well, it isn’t as good as it used to be,” he saidmodestly. I assured him that although it might have lostsome of its pristine glory, nevertheless it was still magnificent.He was immensely pleased. We carried on apleasant little conversation and the last thing he said tome was: “Many people have admired my hair.”
I’ll bet that person went out to lunch that day walkingon air. I’ll bet he went home that night and told his wifeabout it. I’ll bet he looked in the mirror and said: “It is abeautiful head of hair.”
I told this story once in public and a man asked meafterwards: “‘What did you want to get out of him?”
What was I trying to get out of him!!! What was I tryingto get out of him!!!
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiatea little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciationwithout trying to get something out of the other personin return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples,we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. Iwanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feelingthat I had done something for him without his beingable to do anything whatever in return for me. That is afeeling that flows and sings in your memory lung afterthe incident is past.
There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble.In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countlessfriends and constant happiness. But the very instant webreak the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The lawis this: Always make the other person feel important.John Dewey, as we have already noted, said that thedesire to be important is the deepest urge in humannature; and William James said: “The deepest principlein human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” As Ihave already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiatesus from the animals. It is this urge that has beenresponsible for civilization itself.
Philosophers have been speculating on the rules ofhuman relationships for thousands of years, and out ofall that speculation, there has evolved only one importantprecept. It is not new. It is as old as history. Zoroastertaught it to his followers in Persia twenty-fivehundred years ago. Confucius preached it in Chinatwenty-four centuries ago. Lao-tse, the founder ofTaoism, taught it to his disciples in the Valley of theHan. Buddha preached it on the bank of the HolyGanges five hundred years before Christ. The sacredbooks of Hinduism taught it a thousand years beforethat. Jesus taught it among the stony hills of Judea nineteencenturies ago. Jesus summed it up in one thought-probably the most important rule in the world: “Dounto others as you would have others do unto you.”
You want the approval of those with whom you comein contact. You want recognition of your true worth. Youwant a feeling that you are important in your little world.You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, butyou do crave sincere appreciation. You want your friendsand associates to be, as Charles Schwab put it, “heartyin their approbation and lavish in their praise.” All of uswant that.
So let’s obey the Golden Rule, and give unto otherswhat we would have others give unto us,How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time,everywhere.
David G. Smith of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, told one ofour classes how he handled a delicate situation when hewas asked to take charge of the refreshment booth at a charity concert,“The night of the concert I arrived at the park andfound two elderly ladies in a very bad humor standingnext to the refreshment stand. Apparently each thoughtthat she was in charge of this project. As I stood therepondering what to do, me of the members of the sponsoringcommittee appeared and handed me a cashbox and thanked me for taking over the project. Sheintroduced Rose and Jane as my helpers and then ranoff.
"A great silence ensued. Realizing that the cash boxwas a symbol of authority (of sorts), I gave the box toRose and explained that I might not be able to keep themoney straight and that if she took care of it I would feelbetter. I then suggested to Jane that she show two teenagerswho had been assigned to refreshments how tooperate the soda machine, and I asked her to be responsiblefor that part of the project.
“The evening was very enjoyable with Rose happilycounting the money, Jane supervising the teenagers, andme enjoying the concert.”
You don’t have to wait until you are ambassador toFrance or chairman of the Clambake Committee of yourlodge before you use this philosophy of appreciation.You can work magic with it almost every day.
If, for example, the waitress brings us mashed potatoeswhen we have ordered French fried, let’s say: “I’m sorryto trouble you, but I prefer French fried.” She’ll probablyreply, “No trouble at all” and will be glad to changethe potatoes, because we have shown respect for her.
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,”“Would you be so kind as to ----? " "Won't youplease?” " Would you mind?” “Thank you” - little courtesieslike these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind ofeveryday life- and, incidentally, they are the hallmarkof good breeding.
Let’s take another illustration. Hall Caine’s novels-TheChristian, The Deemster, The Manxman, amongthem - were all best-sellers in the early part of this century.
Millions of people read his novels, countless millions.He was the son of a blacksmith. He never hadmore than eight years’ schooling in his life; yet when hedied he was the richest literary man of his time.
The story goes like this: Hall Caine loved sonnets andballads; so he devoured all of Dante Gabriel Rossetti’spoetry. He even wrote a lecture chanting the praises ofRossetti’s artistic achievement-and sent a copy to Rossettihimself. Rossetti was delighted. “Any young manwho has such an exalted opinion of my ability,” Rossettiprobably said to himself, “must be brilliant,” So Rossettiinvited this blacksmith’s son to come to London and actas his secretary. That was the turning point in HallCaine’s life; for, in his new position, he met the literaryartists of the day. Profiting by their advice and inspiredby their encouragement, he launched upon a career thatemblazoned his name across the sky.
His home, Greeba Castle, on the Isle of Man, becamea Mecca for tourists from the far corners of the world,and he left a multimillion dollar estate. Yet - who knows- he might have died poor and unknown had he notwritten an essay expressing his admiration for a famousman.
Such is the power, the stupendous power, of sincere,heartfelt appreciation.
Rossetti considered himself important. That is notstrange, Almost everyone considers himself important,very important.
The life of many a person could probably be changedif only someone would make him feel important. RonaldJ. Rowland, who is one of the instructors of our coursein California, is also a teacher of arts and crafts. He wroteto us about a student named Chris in his beginningcrafts class:
Chris was a very quiet, shy boy lacking in self-confidence,the kind of student that often does not receive theattention he deserves. I also teach an advanced class thathad grown to be somewhat of a status symbol and a privilegefor a student to have earned the right to be in it.On Wednesday, Chris was diligently working at his desk.
I really felt there was a hidden fire deep inside him. I askedChris if he would like to be in the advanced class. How Iwish I could express the look in Chris’s face, the emotionsin that shy fourteen-year-old boy, trying to hold back histears.
“Who me, Mr. Rowland? Am I good enough?”
“Yes, Chris, you are good enough.”
I had to leave at that point because tears were coming tomy eyes. As Chris walked out of class that day, seeminglytwo inches taller, he looked at me with bright blue eyes andsaid in a positive voice, “Thank you, Mr. Rowland.”
Chris taught me a lesson I will never forget-our deepdesire to feel important. To help me never forget this rule,I made a sign which reads “YOU ARE IMPORTANT." Thissign hangs in the front of the classroom for all to see and toremind me that each student I face is equally important.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the peopleyou meet feel themselves superior to you in some way,and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize insome subtle way that you recognize their importance,and recognize it sincerely.
Remember what Emerson said: “Every man I meet ismy superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those whohave the least justification for a feeling of achievementbolster up their egos by a show of tumult and conceitwhich is truly nauseating. As Shakespeare put it: ". . .man, proud man,/Drest in a little brief authority,/ . . .Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven/As makethe angels weep.”
I am going to tell you how business people in my owncourses have applied these principles with remarkableresults. Let’s take the case of a Connecticut attorney (becauseof his relatives he prefers not to have his namementioned).
Shortly after joining the course, Mr. R----- drove toLong Island with his wife to visit some of her relatives.
She left him to chat with an old aunt of hers and therrushed off by herself to visit some of the younger relatives.Since he soon had to give a speech professionallyon how he applied the principles of appreciation, hethought he would gain some worthwhile experiencetalking with the-elderly lady. So he looked around thehouse to see what he could honestly admire.
“This house was built about 1890, wasn’t it?” he inquired.
“Yes,” she replied, “that is precisely the year it wasbuilt.”
“It reminds me of the house I was born in,” he said.“It’s beautiful. Well built. Roomy. You know, they don’tbuild houses like this anymore.”
“You’re right,” the old lady agreed. “The young folksnowadays don’t care for beautiful homes. All they wantis a small apartment, and then they go off gadding aboutin their automobiles.
“This is a dream house,” she said in a voice vibratingwith tender memories. “This house was built with love.My husband and I dreamed about it for years before webuilt it. We didn’t have an architect. We planned it allourselves."
She showed Mr. R----- about the house, and he expressedhis hearty admiration for the beautiful treasuresshe had picked up in her travels and cherished over alifetime - paisley shawls, an old English tea set, Wedgwoodchina, French beds and chairs, Italian paintings,and silk draperies that had once hung in a French chateau.
After showing Mr. R----- through the house, she tookhim out to the garage. There, jacked up on blocks, was aPackard car - in mint condition.
"My husband bought that car for me shortly before hepassed on,” she said softly. “I have never ridden in itsince his death. . . . You appreciate nice things, and I’mgoing to give this car to you.”
“Why, aunty,” he said, “you overwhelm me. I appreciateyour generosity, of course; but I couldn’t possibly
accept it. I’m not even a relative of yours. I have a newcar, and you have many relatives that would like to havethat Packard.”
“Relatives!” she exclaimed. “Yes, I have relatives whoare just waiting till I die so they can get that car. Butthey are not going to get it.”
“If you don’t want to give it to them, you can veryeasily sell it to a secondhand dealer,” he told her.
“Sell it!” she cried. “Do you think I would sell thiscar? Do you think I could stand to see strangers ridingup and down the street in that car - that car that myhusband bought for me? I wouldn’t dream of selling it.I’m going to give it to you. You appreciate beautifulthings."
He tried to get out of accepting the car, but he couldn’twithout hurting her feelings.
This lady, left all alone in a big house with her paisleyshawls, her French antiques, and her memories, wasstarving for a little recognition, She had once beenyoung and beautiful and sought after She had once builta house warm with love and had collected things fromall over Europe to make it beautiful. Now, in the isolatedloneliness of old age, she craved a little human warmth,a little genuine appreciation - and no one gave it to her.And when she found it, like a spring in the desert, hergratitude couldn’t adequately express itself with anythingless than the gift of her cherished Packard.
Let’s take another case: Donald M. McMahon, whowas superintendent of Lewis and Valentine, nurserymenand landscape architects in Rye, New York, relatedthis incident:
“Shortly after I attended the talk on ‘How to WinFriends and Influence People,’ I was landscaping theestate of a famous attorney. The owner came out to giveme a few instructions about where he wished to plant amass of rhododendrons and azaleas.
“I said, ‘Judge, you have a lovely hobby. I've beenadmiring your beautiful dogs. I understand you win a lot
of blue ribbons every year at the show in MadisonSquare Garden.’
“The effect of this little expression of appreciation wasstriking.
" ‘Yes,’ the judge replied, ‘I do have a lot of fun withmy dogs. Would you like to see my kennel?’
“He spent almost an hour showing me his dogs andthe prizes they had won. He even brought out theirpedigrees and explained about the bloodlines responsiblefor such beauty and intelligence.
“Finally, turning to me, he asked: ‘Do you have anysmall children?’
" ‘Yes, I do,’ I replied, ‘I have a son.’
" ‘Well, wouldn’t he like a puppy?’ the judge inquired.
" ‘Oh, yes, he’d be tickled pink.’
" ‘All right, I’m going to give him one,' the . judge announced.
He started to tell me how to feed the puppy. Then hepaused. ‘You’ll forget it if I tell you. I’ll write it out.’ Sothe judge went in the house, typed out the pedigree andfeeding instructions, and gave me a puppy worth severalhundred dollars and one hour and fifteen minutes of hisvaluable time largely because I had expressed my honestadmiration for his hobby and achievements.”
George Eastman, of Kodak fame, invented the transparentfilm that made motion pictures possible, amasseda fortune of a hundred million dollars, and made himselfone of the most famous businessmen on earth. Yet inspite of all these tremendous accomplishments, hecraved little recognitions even as you and I.
To illustrate: When Eastman was building the EastmanSchool of Music and also Kilbourn Hall in Rochester,James Adamson, then president of the SuperiorSeating Company of New York, wanted to get the orderto supply the theater chairs for these buildings. Phoningthe architect, Mr. Adamson made an appointment to see Mr. Eastman in Rochester.
When Adamson arrived, the architect said: "I knowyou want to get this order, but I can tell you right nowthat you won’t stand a ghost of a show if you take morethan five minutes of George Eastman’s time. He is astrict disciplinarian. He is very busy. So tell your storyquickly and get out.”
Adamson was prepared to do just that.
When he was ushered into the room he saw Mr. Eastmanbending over a pile of papers at his desk. Presently,Mr. Eastman looked up, removed his glasses, andwalked toward the architect and Mr. Adamson, saying:“Good morning, gentlemen, what can I do for you?”
The architect introduced them, and then Mr. Adamsonsaid: “While we’ve been waiting for you, Mr. Eastman,I’ve been admiring your office. I wouldn’t mind workingin a room like this myself. I’m in the interior-woodworkingbusiness, and I never saw a more beautiful office inall my life.”
George Eastman replied: “You remind me of somethingI had almost forgotten. It is beautiful, isn’t it? Ienjoyed it a great deal when it was first built. But I comedown here now with a lot of other things on my mindand sometimes don’t even see the room for weeks at atime ."
Adamson walked over and rubbed his hand across apanel. “This is English oak, isn’t it? A little differenttexture from Italian oak.”
“Yes,” Eastman replied. “Imported English oak. Itwas selected for me by a friend who specializes in finewoods ."
Then Eastman showed him about the room, commentingon the proportions, the coloring, the hand carvingand other effects he had helped to plan and execute.
While drifting about the room, admiring the wood-work,they paused before a window, and George Eastman,in his modest, soft-spoken way, pointed out some of the institutions through which he was trying to helphumanity: the University of Rochester, the General Hospital,the Homeopathic Hospital, the Friendly Home,the Children’s Hospital. Mr. Adamson congratulatedhim warmly on the idealistic way he was using hiswealth to alleviate the sufferings of humanity. Presently,George Eastman unlocked a glass case and pulled outthe first camera he had ever owned - an invention hehad bought from an Englishman.
Adamson questioned him at length about his earlystruggles to get started in business, and Mr. Eastmanspoke with real feeling about the poverty of his childhood,telling how his widowed mother had kept a boardinghousewhile he clerked in an insurance office. Theterror of poverty haunted him day and night, and heresolved to make enough money so that his motherwouldn’t have to work, Mr. Adamson drew him out withfurther questions and listened, absorbed, while he relatedthe story of his experiments with dry photographicplates. He told how he had worked in an office all day,and sometimes experimented all night, taking only briefnaps while the chemicals were working, sometimesworking and sleeping in his clothes for seventy-twohours at a stretch.
James Adamson had been ushered into Eastman’s officeat ten-fifteen and had been warned that he must nottake more than five minutes; but an hour had passed,then two hours passed. And they were still talking.Finally, George Eastman turned to Adamson and said,“The last time I was in Japan I bought some chairs,brought them home, and put them in my sun porch. Butthe sun peeled the paint, so I went downtown the otherday and bought some paint and painted the chairs myself.Would you like to see what sort of a job I can dopainting chairs? All right. Come up to my home and havelunch with me and I’ll show you.”
After lunch, Mr. Eastman showed Adamson the chairshe had brought from Japan. They weren’t worth morethan a few dollars, but George Eastman, now a multimillionaire,was proud of them because he himself hadpainted them.
The order for the seats amounted to $90,000. Who do you suppose got the order - James Adamson or one ofhis competitors?
From the time of this story until Mr. Eastman’s death,he and James Adamson were close friends.
Claude Marais, a restaurant owner in Rouen, France,used this principle and saved his restaurant the loss of akey employee. This woman had been in his employ forfive years and was a vital link between M. Marais andhis staff of twenty-one people. He was shocked to receivea registered letter from her advising him of herresignation.
M. Marais reported: "I was very surprised and, evenmore, disappointed, because I was under the impressionthat I had been fair to her and receptive to her needs.Inasmuch as she was a friend as well as an employee, Iprobably had taken her too much for granted and maybewas even more demanding of her than of other employees.
"I could not, of course, accept this resignation withoutsome explanation. I took her aside and said, ‘Paulette,you must understand that I cannot accept your resignationYou mean a great deal to me and to this company,and you are as important to the success of this restaurantas I am.’ I repeated this in front of the entire staff, and Iinvited her to my home and reiterated my confidence inher with my family present.
“Paulette withdrew her resignation, and today I canrely on her as never before. I frequently reinforce thisby expressing my appreciation for what she does andshowing her how important she is to me and to the restaurant.”
“Talk to people about themselves,” said Disraeli, oneof the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire.“Talk to people about themselves and they willlisten for hours ."
PRINCIPLE 6Make the other person feel important-anddo it sincerely.
2011-01-17 09:41 编辑：kuaileyingyu