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《人性的弱点》第2篇 第4章 如何养成优美而得人好感的谈吐

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小编摘要:如何养成优美而得人好感的谈吐?做一个善于静听的人,鼓励别人多谈谈他们自己。

最近我应邀参加一处桥牌的聚会。在我来讲,我不会玩桥牌,真巧,另外有一位漂亮的小姐,也不会玩桥牌!她知道我在汤姆斯从事无线电事业前,曾一度做他的私人经理。那时汤姆斯到欧洲各地去旅行,在那段旅行期间,我帮助汤姆斯录下他沿途上的所见所闻。这位漂亮的小姐,知道我是谁后,就即说:「卡耐基先生,能不能请你告诉我,你所经过的名胜有那些地方,和你所看到的离奇景色?」
 Some time ago, I attended a bridge party. I don’t playbridge - and there was a woman there who didn’t playbridge either. She had discovered that I had once beenLowell Thomas’ manager before he went on the radioand that I had traveled in Europe a great deal whilehelping him prepare the illustrated travel talks he wasthen delivering. So she said: “Oh, Mr. Carnegie, I dowant you to tell me about all the wonderful places youhave visited and the sights you have seen.”
我们坐下旁边沙发椅后,她接着提到,最近她跟她丈夫去了一次非洲。「非洲!」我接着说:「那多么有趣………我总想去一次非洲,可是除了在阿尔及尔停留过二十四小时外;就没有去过非洲其它地方………你有没有去了值得妳缅怀的地方………那是多么幸运,我真羡慕你,妳能告诉我关于非洲的情形吗?」
  As we sat down on the sofa, she remarked that she andher husband had recently returned from a trip to Africa.“Africa!” I exclaimed. “How interesting! I’ve alwayswanted to see Africa, but I never got there except for atwenty-four-hour stay once in Algiers. Tell me, did youvisit the big-game country? Yes? How fortunate. I envyyou. Do tell me about Africa.”
那一次谈话,我们说了四十五分钟,她不再问我到过什么地方,看见过什么东西。她再也不谈论我的旅行;她所要的,是一个专心的静听者,藉使她能扩大她的「自我」,而讲述她所到过的地方。
  That kept her talking for forty-five minutes. She neveragain asked me where I had been or what I had seen.She didn’t want to hear me talk about my travels. All shewanted was an interested listener, so she could expandher ego and tell about where she had been.
这是她与众不同、特殊的地方?不,许多人都像她一样的。
  Was she unusual? No. Many people are like that.
我最近在纽约出版商「格林伯」的一次宴会上,遇到一位著名的植物学家。我从没有接触过植物学那一类的学者,我觉得他说话极有吸引力。那时我像人了迷似的,坐在椅上静静听他请有关大麻、大植物家「浦邦」和布置室内花园等事,他还告诉了我关于马铃薯的惊人事实。后来谈到我自己有个小型的室内花园时, 他非常热忱的告诉我,如何解决几个我所要解决的问题。
  For example, I met a distinguished botanist at a dinnerparty given by a New York book publisher. I had nevertalked with a botanist before, and I found him fascinating.I literally sat on the edge of my chair and listenedwhile he spoke of exotic plants and experiments indeveloping new forms of plant life and indoor gardens (andeven told me astonishing facts about the humble potato).I had a small indoor garden of my own - and he wasgood enough to tell me how to solve some of my problems.
这次宴会中,还有十几位客人在座,可是我忽略了其它所有的人,而与这位植物学家谈了数小时之久。
  As I said, we were at a dinner party. There must havebeen a dozen other guests, but I violated all the canonsof courtesy, ignored everyone else, and talked for hoursto the botanist.
时间到了子夜,我向每个人告辞,这位植物学家在主人面前,对我极度恭维,说我「极富激励性」………最后,指我是个--最风趣、最健谈,具有「优美谈吐」的人。
  Midnight came, I said good night to everyone anddeparted. The botanist then turned to our host andpaid me several flattering compliments. I was “moststimulating.” I was this and I was that, and he ended bysaying I was a “most interesting conversationalist.”
「优美谈吐」?我?我知道自己几乎没有说话!如果我们刚才所谈的内容,没有把它变更一下的话,即使我想谈,也无从谈起。原因是我对植物学方面,所知道的太少了。
  An interesting conversationalist? Why, I had saidhardly anything at all. I couldn’t have said anything if Ihad wanted to without changing the subject, for I didn’tknow any more about botany than I knew about the anatomyof a penguin. But I had done this: I had listenedintently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested.And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. Thatkind of listening is one of the highest compliments wecan pay anyone. “Few human beings,” wrote JackWoodford in Strangers in Love, “few human beings areproof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.” Iwent even further than giving him rapt attention. I was“hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
不过我自己知道,我已经这样做了………那是我「仔细的,静静的听」。我静静的听,用心的听,我发现自己对他所讲的,确实发生了兴趣,同时他也这样感觉到,所以自然地使他高兴了。那种「静听」,是我们对任何人一种尊敬的,和恭维的表示。伍福特在他「异乡人之恋」一书中,曾经这样说过:「很少人能拒受那专心注意所包含的谄媚。」
  I told him that I had been immensely entertained andinstructed - and I had. I told him I wished I had hisknoledge - and I did. I told him that I should love towander the fields with him - and I have. I told him Imust see him again - and I did.
我告诉那位植物学家,我受到他的款待和指导;我希望拥有他那样丰富的学识--我真希望如此。我告诉他,希望能同他一起去田野散步,同时我希望能再见到他。
  And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalistwhen, in reality, I had been merely a good listenerand had encouraged him to talk.
由于如此,他认为我是一个善于谈话的人,其实,我不过是一个善于静听,并且善于鼓励他谈话的人而已。
  What is the secret, the mystery, of a successful businessinterview? Well, according to former Harvard presidentCharles W. Eliot, “There is no mystery aboutsuccessful business intercourse. . . . Exclusive attentionto the person who is speaking to you is very important.Nothing else is so flattering as that.”
谈一椿成功的生意,它的秘诀是什么?我依照那位笃实的学者「依烈奥脱」所说过的,他说:「一桩成功的生意往来,没有什么神秘的诀窍………专心静听着对你讲话的人,那是最重要的,再也没有比这个更重要的了!」
  Eliot himself was a past master of the art of listening,Henry James, one of America’s first great novelists, recalled:“Dr. Eliot’s listening was not mere silence, but aform of activity. Sitting very erect on the end of his spinewith hands joined in his lap, making no movement exceptthat he revolved his thumbs around each otherfaster or slower, he faced his interlocutor and seemed tobe hearing with his eyes as well as his ears. He listened
那是很明显的,是不是?这问题你不需要花四年时间,去哈佛大学研读。但我们都知道………有很多商人租用豪华的店面,减低进货成本,陈设新款漂亮的橱窗,花去钜额的广告费,可是所雇用的,却是那些不愿意静听顾客讲话的店员:.……那些店员,截断顾客的话、反驳顾客、激怒顾客,似乎要把顾客捞出大门才甘心!
  with his mind and attentively considered what you hadto say while you said it. . . . At the end of an interviewthe person who had talked to him felt that he had hadhis say.”
胡顿有经验过这样一个例子;他在我讲习班里说出这段故事:他在近海的纽泽西州,纽华城的一家百货公司,买了一套衣服。这套衣服穿起来实在使人太失望了,上衣会褪色,且把榇衫领子弄黑了。
  Self-evident, isn’t it? You don’t have to study for fouryears in Harvard to discover that. Yet I know and youknow department store owners who will rent expensivespace, buy their goods economically, dress their windowsappealingly, spend thousands of dollars in advertisingand then hire clerks who haven’t the sense to begood listeners - clerks who interrupt customers, contradictthem, irritate them, and all but drive them from thestore.
他把这套衣服,拿回那家百货公司;找到那个当时跟他交易的店员,告诉他经过的情形。我说他「告诉」店员详细经过?不,根本不是那回事………他想要把经过情形告诉那店员,可是他办不到,想要说的话,都给那个似乎有点「口才」的店员,中途截断了。
  A department store in Chicago almost lost a regularcustomer who spent several thousand dollars each yearin that store because a sales clerk wouldn’t listen. Mrs.Henrietta Douglas, who took our course in Chicago, hadpurchased a coat at a special sale. After she had broughtit home she noticed that there was a tear in the lining.She came back the next day and asked the sales clerk toexchange it. The clerk refused even to listen to her complaint.“You bought this at a special sale,” she said. Shepointed to a sign on the wall. “Read that,” she exclaimed." 'All sales are final.' Once you bought it, youhave to keep it. Sew up the lining yourself.”
那店员反驳说:「这种衣服,我们卖出去已经有几千套了,这是第一次有人来挑剔。」
  “But this was damaged merchandise,” Mrs. Douglascomplained.
这是那店员所说的话,而且声音大得出奇,他话中的含意就像是:「你在说谎,你以为我们是可以欺侮的吗?哼!我就给你看点颜色!」
  “Makes no difference,” the clerk interrupted. “Final’sfinal "
正在争论激烈之时,另外一个店员插嘴进来,那店员说:「所有黑色的衣服,起初都会褪一点颜色的,那是无法避免的…:.…那种价钱的衣服,都有这种情形,那是料子的关系!
  Mrs. Douglas was about to walk out indignantly,swearing never to return to that store ever, when shewas greeted by the department manager, who knew herfrom her many years of patronage. Mrs. Douglas told herwhat had happened.
「那时,我满肚子的人都冒了起来。」胡顿先生讲述他的经过:「第一个店员,怀疑我的诚实。第二个店员,暗示我买的是次等货………我恼怒起来,正要责骂他们时,那家百货公司的负责人走了过来。
  The manager listened attentively to the whole story,examined the coat and then said: “Special sales are‘final’ so we can dispose of merchandise at the end ofthe season. But this 'no return’ policy does not apply todamaged goods. We will certainly repair or replace thelining, or if you prefer, give you your money back.”
这负责人似乎懂得他的职司,他使我态度完全改变过来………他把一个恼怒的人,变成了一个满意的顾客。他是如何做的?他把这情形分成三个步骤:
  What a difference in treatment! If that manager hadnot come along and listened to the Customer, a long-termpatron of that store could have been lost forever.
第一,他让我从头到尾,说出我的经过,他则静静听着,没有插进一句话来。
  Listening is just as important in one's home life as inthe world of business. Millie Esposito of Croton-on-Hudson,New York, made it her business to listen carefullywhen one of her children wanted to speak with her.One evening she was sitting in the kitchen with her son,Robert, and after a brief discussion of something thatwas on his mind, Robert said: "Mom, I know that youlove me very much.”
第二,当我讲完那些话后,那两个店员又要开始与我争辩了。可是那负责人,却站在我的观点跟他们辩论….…他说,我衬衫领子,很明显的是这套衣服染污的。他坚持的表示,这种不能使客人满意的东西,是不应该卖出去的。
  Mrs. Esposito was touched and said: “Of course I loveyou very much. Did you doubt it?”
第三,他承认不知道这套衣服,会这样的差劲,而是坦直的对我锐:「你认为我该如何处理这套衣服,你尽管吩咐,我完全可以依照你的意思。』
  Robert responded: "No, but I really know you love mebecause whenever I want to talk to you about somethingyou stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.”
数分钟前,我还想把这套讨厌的衣服退掉,可是现在我却这样回答说:「我可以接受你的建议,我只是想知道,这褪色的情形是否是暂时的。或者你们有什么办法,可以使这套衣服不再继续褪色。』
  The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, willfrequently soften and be subdued in the presence of apatient, sympathetic listener - a listener who will he silentwhile the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobraand spews the poison out of his system. To illustrate:The New York Telephone Company discovered a fewyears ago that it had to deal with one of the most viciouscustomers who ever cursed a customer service representative.And he did curse. He raved. He threatened to tearthe phone out by its roots. He refused to pay certaincharges that he declared were false. He wrote letters tothe newspapers. He filed innumerable complaints withthe Public Service Commission, and he started severalsuits against the telephone company.
他建议我,把这套衣服带回去再穿一星期,看看情形如何!他这样说:「如果到时仍然不满意的话,拿来换一套满意的,我们增加你的麻烦,感到非常抱歉。。
  At last, one of the company’s most skillful “trouble-shooters”was sent to interview this stormy petrel. This“troubleshooter” listened and let the cantankerous customerenjoy himself pouring out his tirade. The telephonerepresentative listened and said “yes” andsympathized with his grievance.
我满意的离开那家百货公司,那套衣服经过一星期后,没有任何毛病发现,我对那家百
  “He raved on and I listened for nearlv three hours,”the “troubleshooter” said as he related his experiencesbefore one of the author’s classes. “Then I went back
货公司的信心,也就恢复过来了。」
  and listened some more. I interviewed him four times,and before the fourth visit was over I had become acharter member of an organization he was starting. Hecalled it the ‘Telephone Subscribers’ Protective Association.'I am still a member of this organization, and, sofar as I know, I’m the only member in the world todaybesides Mr. ----.
难怪那位先生是那家百货公司的负责人,至于那些店员,他们不但终身要停留在「店员」的职位上,最好把他们降级到包装部,永远别跟客人见面。
  "I listened and sympathized with him on every pointthat he made during these interviews. He had never hada telephone representative talk with him that way before,and he became almost friendly. The point on whichI went to see him was not even mentioned on the firstvisit, nor was it mentioned on the second or third, butupon the fourth interview, I closed the case completely,he paid all his bills in full, and for the first time in thehistory of his difficulties with the telephone company hevoluntarily withdrew his complaints from the PublicService Commission.”
最爱挑剔的人,最激烈的批评者,往往会在一个怀有忍耐、同情的静听者面前软化下来!这位静听者,必须要有过人的沉着,他必须当着寻衅者像一条大毒蛇张开嘴巴的时候--
  Doubtless Mr. ----- had considered himself a holycrusader, defending the public rights against callous exploitation.But in reality, what he had really wanted wasa feeling of importance. He got this feeling of importanceat first by kicking and complaining. But as soon ashe got his feeling of importance from a representative ofthe company, his imagined grievances vanished intothin air.
静听。有这样一个例子:
  One morning years ago, an angry customer stormedinto the office of Julian F. Detmer, founder of the DetmerWoolen Company, which later became the world’slargest distributor of woolens to the tailoring trade.
数年前,纽约电话公司碰上一个最凶狠,不讲理的顾客。这顾客用最刻薄的宇眼,责骂接线生。后来他又指出,电话公司制造假的帐单,所以他拒绝付款。同时他要投书报社;还要向公众服务委员会提出申诉………这客人,对电话公司有数起的诉讼。
  “This man owed us a small sum of money,” Mr. Detmerexplained to me. “The customer denied it, but weknew he was wrong. So our credit department had insistedthat he pay. After getting a number of letters fromour credit department, he packed his grip, made a trip toChicago, and hurried into my office to inform me notonly that he was not going to pay that bill, but that hewas never going to buy another dollar’s worth of goodsfrom the Detmer Woolen Company.
最后,电话公司派出一位最富经验、技巧的「调解员」,去拜访这位不讲理的客人。这位「调解员」去那里后,静静听着………尽量让这位好争论的老先生,发泄他满肚子的牢骚。这位电话公司「调解员」所回答的,都是简短的「是!是!」,并且表示同情他的委屈。
  "I listened patiently to all he had to say. I was temptedto interrupt, but I realized that would be bad policy, So
这位电话公司「调解员」,来我们讲习班上,说出当时的情形:「他继续不断的大声狂言。我静静听了差不多有三个小时--后来我又去他那里,再听他没发完的牢骚。我前后访问他四次。在第四次访问结束之前,我已成为他始创的一个组织的基本会员,他称之为「电话用户保障会」;现在我还是这组织里的会员,可是就我所知,除了这位老先生外,我是里面唯一的会员。
  I let him talk himself out. When he finally simmereddown and got in a receptive mood, I said quietly: ‘I wantto thank vou for coming to Chicago to tell me about this.You have done me a great favor, for if our credit departmenthas annoyed you, it may annoy other good customers,and that would be just too bad. Believe me, I am farmore eager to hear this than you are to tell it.’
在这次访问中,我还是静静听着,我用同情的态度,对他所举的每一点理由。据他表示:电话公司里的人,从没有这样跟他说过话,而他对我的态度,也渐渐地友善起来。我对他所需求的事,在前三次中,我不提一个字,最后在第四次,我整个结束了这桩案件。他把所有的帐款都付清,并且在过去他接连找电话公司麻烦中这是他第一次撤消对「公众服务委员会」的申诉。」
  “That was the last thing in the world he expected meto say. I think he was a trifle disappointed, because hehad come to Chicago to tell me a thing or two, but hereI was thanking him instead of scrapping with him. I assuredhim we would wipe the charge off the books andforget it, because he was a very careful man with onlyone account to look after, while our clerks had to lookafter thousands. Therefore, he was less likely to bewrong than we were.
无疑的,这位先生表面上看来是为社会公义而战,保障公众的权益,不受无理的剥削。可是,实际上他所要的是自重感,他由挑剔抱怨,去获得这种自重感。当他从电话公司代表身上,获得这份自重感后;他不必再举出那些不切实际的委屈了。
  “I told him that I understood exactly how he felt andthat, if I were in his shoes, I should undoubtedly feelprecisely as he did. Since he wasn’t going to buy fromus anymore, I recommended some other woolen houses.
若干年前的一个早晨,有一位忿怒的顾客,闯进「第脱茂毛呢公司」创办人第脱茂的办公室里。
  “In the past, we had usually lunched together whenhe came to Chicago, so I invited him to have lunch withme this day. He accepted reluctantly, but when we cameback to the office he placed a larger order than everbefore. He returned home in a softened mood and, wantingto be just as fair with us as we had been with him,looked over his bills, found one that had been mislaid,and sent us a check with his apologies.
第脱茂先生对我解释说:这人欠我们十五元………这位顾客虽然不肯承认,可是我们知道错的是他。所以我们信用部坚持要他付款,他接到我们信用部几封信后,就即来支加哥,他匆忙的进来我办公室,告诉我说,他不但不付那笔钱;而且他表示,我们公司以后别想再做他一块钱的生意。
  "Later, when his wife presented him with a baby boy,he gave his son the middle name of Detmer, and heremained a friend and customer of the house until hisdeath twenty-two years afterwards.”
我耐着性,静静的听他所说的那些话,有好几次,我忍不住气,几乎要跟他反驳争论,中止他所讲的那些话,可是我知道那不是最好的办法。我尽量让他发泄,最后,他这股气焰似乎已慢慢息下去了,我安祥的说:、我感激你特地来支加哥,告诉我这件事。事实上,你已替我做了一桩极有意义的事………如果我们公司信用部得罪了你,相信他们也会得罪别人,那情形就不堪设想了。请你相信我,我迫切的需要你来告诉我,你刚才所说的那种情形
  Years ago, a poor Dutch immigrant boy washed thewindows of a bakery shop after school to help supporthis family. His people were so poor that in addition heused to go out in the street with a basket every day andcollect stray bits of coal that had fallen in the gutterwhere the coal wagons had delivered fuel. That boy,Edward Bok, never got more than six years of schoolingin his life; yet eventually he made himself one of themost successful magazine editors in the history of American
他再也不会想到,我会讲出那些话来,可能他会感到有点失望。他来支加哥的目的,是来跟我办交涉的,可是我却感谢他,并不跟他争论。我心平气和的告诉他,我们会取消帐目中那笔十五块钱帐款,同时把这件事忘掉。我向他这样表示,他是个细心的人,需要处理的只是一份帐目,可是我们公司职员,却要处理成千上万份的帐目,所以他可能不容易弄错。
  journalism. How did he do it? That is a long story,but how he got his start can be told briefly. He got hisstart by using the principles advocated in this chapter.
我告诉他,我很了解他的处境,如果我遭遇到与他同样的问题,也会有他这样的想法。由于他不再买我们公司货物,我十分诚意的推荐了其它几家毛呢公司给他。
  He left school when he was thirteen and became anoffice boy for Western Union, but he didn’t for one momentgive up the idea of an education. Instead, hestarted to educate himself, He saved his carfares andwent without lunch until he had enough money to buyan encyclopedia of American biography - and then hedid an unheard-of thing. He read the lives of famouspeople and wrote them asking for additional informationabout their childhoods. He was a good listener. Heasked famous people to tell him more about themselves.He wrote General James A. Garfield, who was then runningfor President, and asked if it was true that he wasonce a tow boy on a canal; and Garfield replied. Hewrote General Grant asking about a certain battle, andGrant drew a map for him and invited this fourteen-yearold boy to dinner and spent the evening talking to him.
过去他来支加哥时,我们经常一起午餐,所以那天我也请他吃饭,他勉强的答应了。但午餐后我们回到办公室,他订了比过去都要多的货物,而怀着平静的心情回家去了。这位顾客似乎由于我对他的接待和处理,所以他回去仔细地查看他的帐单,终于找出那份帐单,原来他自己放错了地方。于是他把那笔十五块钱的帐款寄来,还附了一封道歉的信。
  Soon our Western Union messenger boy was correspondingwith many of the most famous people in thenation: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell Holmes,Longfellow, Mrs. Abraham Lincoln, Louisa May Alcott,General Sherman and Jefferson Davis. Not only did hecorrespond with these distinguished people, but as soonas he got a vacation, he visited many of them as a welcomeguest in their homes. This experience imbued himwith a confidence that was invaluable. These men andwomen fired him with a vision and ambition that shapedhis life. And all this, let me repeat, was made possiblesolely by the application of the principles we are discussinghere.
后来他妻子生了个男孩子,他就取用了我们公司招牌的名称,替他儿子取名「第茂脱」。他一直是我们公司的忠实主顾,也是个很好的朋友,直到二十二年后,他去世的时候。」
  Isaac F. Marcosson, a journalist who interviewedhundreds of celebrities, declared that many people failto make a favorable impression because they don’t listenattentively. “They have been so much concerned withwhat they are going to say next that they do not keeptheir ears open. . . . Very important people have told methat they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but theability to listen seems rarer than almost any other goodtrait ."
多年前,有个荷兰籍的小男孩,在学校下课后,替一家面包店擦窗,每星期赚五毛钱。他家里非常贫苦,所以他经常提着篮子,去水沟捡从煤车掉下来的煤块。这孩子叫「爱德华.巴克」,一生没有受过六年以上的教育。可是后来他却成为美国新闻界一个最成功的杂志编辑。他是如何干起来的?说来话长,但他如何开始,则可以简单的叙述。他用本章所提出的原则,作为开场。
  And not only important personages crave a good listener,
他十三岁离开学校,在一个「西联」机构里充任童役,每星期的工资是六元二角五分,他虽然处在极贫困的环境中,可是无时无刻不在追求接受教育的机会。他不但不放弃求教育的意念,而且自己开始着手教育自己。他安步当车,从不搭乘街车,把午饭的钱也省了下来,那些钱积聚起来后,买了一部美国名人传记--后来他做了一椿人们闻所未闻的事。
  but ordinary folk do too. As the Reader’s Digestonce said: “Many persons call a doctor when all theywant is an audience,”
爱德华.巴克,把美国名人传记详细研读过后;就写信给传记上的每一位名人,请求他们多告诉他一点,关于他们童年时候的情形。从巴克这个表现可以看出,他有一种善于静听的本质--他希望那些成名人物,谈谈他们自己。
  During the darkest hours of the Civil War, Lincolnwrote to an old friend in Springfield, Illinois, asking himto come to Washington. Lincoln said he had some problemshe wanted to discuss with him. The old neighborcalled at the White House, and Lincoln talked to him forhours about the advisability of issuing a proclamationfreeing the slaves. Lincoln went over all the argumentsfor and against such a move, and then read letters andnewspaper articles, some denouncing him for notfreeing the slaves and others denouncing him for fear hewas going to free them. After talking for hours, Lincolnshook hands with his old neighbor, said good night, andsent him back to Illinois without even asking for hisopinion. Lincoln had done all the talking himself. Thatseemed to clarify his mind. “He seemed to feel easierafter that talk,” the old friend said. Lincoln hadn’twanted advice, He had wanted merely a friendly, sympatheticlistener to whom he could unburden himself.That’s what we all want when we are in trouble. That isfrequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfiedemployee or the hurt friend.
他写信给当时正竞选总统的贾姆士将军,在信上问贾姆士,是否确实做过运河上拉舫的童工。贾姆士接到那封信后,给他一封详细的覆函。巴克又写信给格雷将军,问他在那部名人传记上,记述有关一次战役的情形………格雷将军在回信中,画了一张详细的地图,还邀请这个十四岁的小男孩吃饭,他们谈了一个通宵。
  One of the great listeners of modern times was SigmundFreud. A man who met Freud described his mannerof listening: “It struck me so forcibly that I shallnever forget him. He had qualities which I had neverseen in any other man. Never had I seen such concentratedattention. There was none of that piercing ‘soulpenetrating gaze’ business. His eyes were mild and genial.His voice was low and kind. His gestures were few.But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what Isaid, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary,You've no idea what it meant to be listened to like that.”
巴克写信给爱默生,希望爱默生说些有关他自己的事:.……这个原来在「西联」机构传信的童役,不久便和国内那些著名的人物通信,像爱默生、布罗斯、臭利弗、郎菲洛、林肯夫人、休曼将军、和台维斯等。
  If you want to know how to make people shun you andlaugh at you behind your back and even despise you,here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talkincessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while theother person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish:bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.
他不只是跟那些名人通信,且利用他放假的时候,就即去拜访他们其中数字,而成为那些人家里所欢迎的客人。巴克的这种经验,使他形成了一种无价的自信心。这些男女名人,激发了他的理想和意志,妀变了他往后的人生。所有的这些,让我再说一遍…….都是由于实行了我们正在讨论的这个原则。
  Do you know people like that? I do, unfortunately;
名记者「马可逊」,访问过不少风云 成名人物,他曾经告诉我们:「有些人不能给人留下好印象的原因,是由于不注意倾听别人的谈话………这些人他们关心自己下面所要说的是什么,可是他们从不打开耳朵………」马可逊又说:「有若干成名人物,曾这样跟我说,………他们所喜欢的,不是善于谈话的人,是那些静静听着的人。能养成善于静听能力的人,似乎要比任何好性格的人少见。」不只是大人物才喜欢善于静听的人,即是一般普通的人也如此,都喜欢人家听他讲话。
  and the astonishing part of it is that some of them areprominent.
正如读者文摘所说的:「很多人找医生;他们所要的,不过是个静听者。」
  Bores, that is all they are - bores intoxicated with theirown egos, drunk with a sense of their own importance.
内战情况最黑暗的时候,林肯写了封信,给伊里诺州春田镇的一位老朋友,请他来华盛顿,说是有些问题需要跟他讨论。这位老邻居来了白官,林肯跟他说了数小时关于解放黑奴的问题………林肯把这项行动赞成和反对的理由都加以研讨,然后看了些信件和报上的文章,有的由于他不解决黑奴而谴责他,有的谴责他是为了怕他解放黑奴。这样谈了几小时后,林肯和这位邻居老朋友握手道别,送他回伊里诺州………
  People who talk only of themselves think only ofthemselves. And “those people who think only of themselves,”Dr. Nicholas Murray Butler, longtime presidentof Columbia University, said, "are hopelessly uneducated.They are not educated,” said Dr. Butler, “no matterhow instructed they may be.”
林肯并没有征求这位老朋友的意见,所有的话都是他自己说的,而他说出这番话后,心?似乎舒畅多了。这位老朋友后来这样说:「林肯跟我谈过这些话后,他的神情似乎舒适、畅快了不少。」是的,林肯不需要这位老朋友的建议,他眼前所需的是友谊、同情,有一个静听他讲话的人,藉以发泄他心里的苦闷。当我们在苦闷、困难的时候也有这样的需要!
  So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be anattentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Askquestions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encouragethem to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
如果你想要知道,如何使人远远躲开你,背后笑你,甚至轻视你上」里有个很好的办法………你永远不要仔细听人家讲话,不断的谈论你自己。如果别人正谈着一件重要事情时,你发现有你自己的见解,不等对方把话说完,马上就提出来。在你想来;他绝对不会比你聪明,为什么你花那么多时间,去听那些没有见解的话?是的,就即插嘴,就用一句话,去制止他人的高论。
  Remember that the people you are talking to are ahundred times more interested in themselves and theirwants and problems than they are in you and your problems.A person’s toothache means more to that personthan a famine in China which kills a million people. Aboil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakesin Africa. Think of that the next time you start aconversation.
你曾遇到过那种人吗?很不幸的,我碰到过。奇怪的是,有些这样的人,还是社交界的名人。
  PRINCIPLE 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talkabout themselves.
那种人是令人「憎厌」而出了名的………他们给自己的自私心、和自重感所麻醉,而为一般人所「憎厌」。
只谈论自己的人,永远只为自己设想,而「只为自己设想的人」………哥伦比亚大学校长白德勒博士,他曾经这样说过:这种人是无药可救的,没有受过教育的!」白德勒博士又说:「无论他曾接受过什么样的教育,仍然跟没有受过教育一样。」
所以,如果你要成为一个谈笑风生,受人欢迎的人,你需要静听别人的谈话。就像李夫人所说的:「要使别人对你感到兴趣,先要对别人感到兴趣。」问别人所喜欢回答的问题,鼓励他谈谈他自己,和他的成就。
需要记住:跟你说话的人,对他自己来讲,他的需要、他的问题,比你的问题要重要上百倍。他的牙痛,对他来讲,要比发生天灾死了数百万人还重要得多。他注意自己头上一个小疮愈,比注意发生一椿大地震还来得多。
所以,你如果要别人喜欢你,第四项原则是:
做一个善于静听的人,鼓励别人多谈谈他们自己。
标签:人性的弱点
12
2011-01-14 14:28 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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