Why read this book to find out how to win friends? Whynot study the technique of the greatest winner of friendsthe world has ever known? Who is he? You may meethim tomorrow coming down the street. When you getwithin ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. Ifyou stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skinto show you how much he likes you. And you know thatbehind this show of affection on his part, there are noulterior motives: he doesn’t want to sell you any realestate, and he doesn’t want to marry you.
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animalthat doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to layeggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing.But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing butlove.
When I was five years old, my father bought a littleyellow-haired pup for fifty cents. He was the light andjoy of my childhood. Every afternoon about four-thirty,he would sit in the front yard with his beautiful eyesstaring steadfastly at the path, and as soon as he heardmy voice or saw me swinging my dinner pail throughthe buck brush, he was off like a shot, racing breathlesslyup the hill to greet me with leaps of joy and barks ofsheer ecstasy.
Tippy was my constant companion for five years. Thenone tragic night - I shall never forget it - he was killedwithin ten feet of my head, killed by lightning. Tippy’sdeath was the tragedy of my boyhood.
You never read a book on psychology, Tippy. Youdidn’t need to. You knew by some divine instinct thatyou can make more friends in two months by becominggenuinely interested in other people than you can in twoyears by trying to get other people interested in you. Letme repeat that. You can make more friends in twomonths by becoming interested in other people than youcan in two years by trying to get other people interestedin you.
Yet I know and you know people who blunder throughlife trying to wigwag other people into becoming interestedin them.
Of course, it doesn’t work. People are not interestedin you. They are not interested in me. They are interestedin themselves - morning, noon and after dinner.
The New York Telephone Company made a detailedstudy of telephone conversations to find out which wordis the most frequently used. You have guessed it: it isthe personal pronoun “I.” “I.” I.” It was used 3,900times in 500 telephone conversations. "I.” “I.” “I.” "I.”When you see a group photograph that you are in,whose picture do you look for first?
If we merely try to impress people and get peopleinterested in us, we will never have many true, sincerefriends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.
Napoleon tried it, and in his last meeting with Josephinehe said: “Josephine, I have been as fortunate asany man ever was on this earth; and yet, at this hour, youare the only person in the world on whom I can rely.”And historians doubt whether he could rely even onher.
Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrotea book entitled What Life Should Mean to You. In thatbook he says: “It is the individual who is not interestedin his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in lifeand provides the greatest injury to others. It is fromamong such individuals that all human failures spring.”
You may read scores of erudite tomes on psychologywithout coming across a statement more significant foryou and for me. Adler’s statement is so rich with meaningthat I am going to repeat it in italics:
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellowmen who has the greatest difjculties in life and providesthe greutest injury to others. It is from umong such individualsthat all humun failures spring.
I once took a course in short-story writing at New YorkUniversity, and during that course the editor of a leadingmagazine talked to our class. He said he could pick upany one of the dozens of stories that drifted across hisdesk every day and after reading a few paragraphs he could feel whether or not the author liked people. “Ifthe author doesn’t like people,” he said, “people won’tlike his or her stories.”
This hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course ofhis talk on fiction writing and apologized for preachinga sermon. “I am telling you,” he said, “the same thingsyour preacher would tell you, but remember, you haveto be interested in people if you want to be a successfulwriter of stories.”
If that is true of writing fiction, you can be sure it istrue of dealing with people face-to-face.
I spent an evening in the dressing room ofHowardThurston the last time he appeared onBroadway -Thurston was the acknowledged dean of magicians. For fortyyears he had traveled all over the world, time and again,creating illusions, mystifying audiences, and makingpeople gasp with astonishment. More than 60 millionpeople had paid admission to his show, and he had madealmost $2 million in profit.
I asked Mr. Thurston to tell me the secret of his success.His schooling certainly had nothing to do with it,for he ran away from home as a small boy, became ahobo, rode in boxcars, slept in haystacks, begged hisfood from door to door, and learned to read by lookingout of boxcars at signs along the railway.
Did he have a superior knowledge of magic? No, hetold me hundreds of books had been written about legerdemainand scores of people knew as much about it ashe did. But he had two things that the others didn’t have.First, he had the ability to put his personality across thefootlights. He was a master showman. He knew humannature. Everything he did, every gesture, every intonationof his voice, every lifting of an eyebrow had beencarefully rehearsed in advance, and his actions weretimed to split seconds. But, in addition to that, Thurstonhad a genuine interest in people. He told me that manymagicians would look at the audience and say to themselves,“Well, there is a bunch of suckers out there, abunch of hicks; I’ll fool them all right.” But Thurston’s method was totally different. He told me that every timehe went on stage he said to himself: “I am grateful becausethese people come to see me, They make it possiblefor me to make my living in a very agreeable way.I’m going to give them the very best I possibly can.”
He declared he never stepped in front of the footlightswithout first saying to himself over and over: “I love myaudience. I love my audience.” Ridiculous? Absurd?You are privileged to think anything you like. Iammerely passing it on to you without comment as a recipeused by one of the most famous magicians of all time.
George Dyke of North Warren, Pennsylvania, wasforced to retire from his service station business afterthirty years when a new highway was constructed overthe site of his station. It wasn’t long before the idle daysof retirement began to bore him, so he started filling inhis time trying to play music on his old fiddle. Soon hewas traveling the area to listen to music and talk withmany of the accomplished fiddlers. In his humble andfriendly way he became generally interested in learningthe background and interests of every musician he met.Although he was not a great fiddler himself, he mademany friends in this pursuit. He attended competitionsand soon became known to the country music fans in theeastern part of the United States as “Uncle George, theFiddle Scraper from Kinzua County.” When we heardUncle George, he was seventy-two and enjoying everyminute of his life. By having a sustained interest in otherpeople, he created a new life for himself at a time whenmost people consider their productive years over.
That, too, was one of the secrets of Theodore Roosevelt’sastonishing popularity. Even his servants lovedhim. His valet, James E. Amos, wrote a book about himentitled Theodore Roosevelt, Hero to His Valet. In thatbook Amos relates this illuminating incident:
My wife one time asked the President about a bobwhite.She had never seen one and he described it to her fully.Sometime later, the telephone at our cottage rang. [Amosand his wife lived in a little cottage on the Roosevelt estateat Oyster Bay.] My wife answered it and it was Mr. Roosevelthimself. He had called her, he said, to tell her that there was a bobwhite outside her window and that if she wouldlook out she might see it. Little things like that were socharacteristic of him. Whenever he went by our cottage,even though we were out of sight, we would hear him callout: “Oo-oo-oo, Annie?” or “Oo-oo-oo, James!” It was just afriendly greeting as he went by.
How could employees keep from liking a man likethat? How could anyone keep from liking him?Roosevelt called at the White House one day whenthe President and Mrs. Taft were away. His honest likingfor humble people was shown by the fact that hegreeted all the old White House servants by name, eventhe scullery maids.
“When he saw Alice, the kitchen maid,” writes ArchieButt, “he asked her if she still made corn bread. Alicetold him that she sometimes made it for the servants, butno one ate it upstairs.
"‘They show bad taste,’ Roosevelt boomed, ‘and I’lltell the President so when I see him.’
“Alice brought a piece to him on a plate, and he wentover to the office eating it as he went and greeting gardenersand laborers as he passed. . .
“He addressed each person just as he had addressedthem in the past. Ike Hoover, who had been head usherat the White House for forty years, said with tears in hiseyes: ‘It is the only happy day we had in nearly twoyears, and not one of us would exchange it for a hundred-dollarbill.’ ”
The same concern for the seemingly unimportant peoplehelped sales representative Edward M. Sykes, Jr., ofChatham, New Jersey, retain an account. “Many yearsago,” he reported, “I called on customers for Johnsonand Johnson in the Massachusetts area. One account wasa drug store in Hingham. Whenever I went into thisstore I would always talk to the soda clerk and salesclerk for a few minutes before talking to the owner toobtain his order. One day I went up to the owner of thestore, and he told me to leave as he was not interested inbuying J&J products anymore because he felt they wereconcentrating their activities on food and discount stores to the detriment of the small drugstore. I left with mytail between my legs and drove around the town for severalhours. Finally, I decided to go back and try at leastto explain our position to the owner of the store.
“When I returned I walked in and as usual said helloto the soda clerk and sales clerk. When I walked up tothe owner, he smiled at me and welcomed me back. Hethen gave me double the usual order, I looked at himwith surprise and asked him what had happened sincemy visit only a few hours earlier. He pointed to theyoung man at the soda fountain and said that after I hadleft, the boy had come over and said that I was one of thefew salespeople that called on the store that even botheredto say hello to him and to the others in the store. Hetold the owner that if any salesperson deserved his business,it was I. The owner agreed and remained a loyalcustomer. I never forgot that to be genuinely interestedin other people is a most important quality for a sales-personto possess - for any person, for that matter.”
I have discovered from personal experience that onecan win the attention and time and cooperation of eventhe most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interestedin them. Let me illustrate.
Years ago I conducted a course in fiction writing at theBrooklyn Institute of Arts and Sciences, and we wantedsuch distinguished and busy authors as Kathleen Norris,Fannie Hurst, Ida Tarbell, Albert Payson Terhune andRupert Hughes to come to Brooklyn and give us thebenefit of their experiences. So we wrote them, sayingwe admired their work and were deeply interested ingetting their advice and learning the secrets of their success.
Each of these letters was signed by about a hundredand fifty students. We said we realized that these authorswere busy - too busy to prepare a lecture. So we encloseda list of questions for them to answer about themselvesand their methods of work. They liked that. Whowouldn’t like it? So they left their homes and traveled toBrooklyn to give us a helping hand.
By using the same method, I persuaded Leslie M.Shaw, secretary of the treasury in Theodore Roosevelt’scabinet; George W. Wickersham, attorney general in Taft’s cabinet; William Jennings Bryan; Franklin D.Roosevelt and many other prominent men to come totalk to the students of my courses in public speaking.
All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an officeor even a king upon his throne - all of us like peoplewho admire us. Take the German Kaiser, for example. Atthe close of World War I he was probably the most savagelyand universally despised man on this earth. Evenhis own nation turned against him when he fled overinto Holland to save his neck. The hatred against himwas so intense that millions of people would have lovedto tear him limb from limb or burn him at the stake. Inthe midst of all this forest fire of fury, one little boy wrotethe Kaiser a simple, sincere letter glowing with kindlinessand admiration. This little boy said that no matterwhat the others thought, he would always love Wilhelmas his Emperor. The Kaiser was deeply touched by hisletter and invited the little boy to come to see him. Theboy came, so did his mother - and the Kaiser marriedher. That little boy didn’t need to read a book on how towin friends and influence people. He knew how instinctively.
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out todo things for other people - things that require time, energy,unselfishness and thoughtfulness. When the Dukeof Windsor was Prince of Wales, he was scheduled totour South America, and before he started out on thattour he spent months studying Spanish so that he couldmake public talks in the language of the country; andthe South Americans loved him for it.
For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays ofmy friends. How? Although I haven’t the foggiest bit offaith in astrology, I began by asking the other partywhether he believed the date of one’s birth has anythingto do with character and disposition. I then asked him orher to tell me the month and day of birth. If he or shesaid November 24, for example, I kept repeating to myself,“November 24, November 24.” The minute myfriend’s back was turned, I wrote down the name andbirthday and later would transfer it to a birthday book.At the beginning of each year, I had these birthday datesscheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to myattention automatically. When the natal day arrived,there was my letter or telegram. What a hit it made! I was frequently the only person on earth who remembered.
If we want to make friends, let’s greet people withanimation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you onthe telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello” intones that bespeak how pleased YOU are to have the personcall. Many companies train their telephone operatarsto greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiatesinterest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company isconcerned about them. Let’s remember that when weanswer the telephone tomorrow.
Showing a genuine interest in others not only winsfriends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyaltyto your company. In an issue of the publication ofthe National Bank of North America of New York, thefollowing letter from Madeline Rosedale, a depositor,was published: *
* Eagle, publication of the Natirmal Bank of North America, h-ew York,March 31, 1978.
“I would like you to know how much I appreciateyour staff. Everyone is so courteous, polite and helpful.What a pleasure it is, after waiting on a long line, to havethe teller greet you pleasantly.
“Last year my mother was hospitalized for fivemonths. Frequently I went to Marie Petrucello, a teller.She was concerned about my mother and inquired abouther progress.”
Is there any doubt that Mrs. Rosedale will continue touse this bank?
Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in NewYork City, was assigned to prepare a confidential reporton a certain corporation. He knew of only one personwho possessed the facts he needed so urgently. As Mr.Walters was ushered into the president’s office, a youngwoman stuck her head through a door and told the presidentthat she didn’t have any stamps for him that day.
"I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son,”the president explained to Mr. Walters.
Mr. Walters stated his mission and began asking questions.
The president was vague, general, nebulous. Hedidn’t want to talk, and apparently nothing could persuadehim to talk. The interview was brief and barren.
“Frankly, I didn’t know what to do,” Mr. Walters saidas he related the story to the class. “Then I rememberedwhat his secretary had said to him - stamps, twelve-year-old son. . . And I also recalled that the foreign departmentof our bank collected stamps - stamps takenfrom letters pouring in from every continent washed bythe seven seas.
“The next afternoon I called on this man and sent inword that I had some stamps for his boy. Was I usheredin with enthusiasm? Yes sir, He couldn’t have shakenmy hand with more enthusiasm if he had been runningfor Congress. He radiated smiles and good will. ‘MyGeorge will love this one,’ he kept saying as he fondledthe stamps. ‘And look at this! This is a treasure.’
“We spent half an hour talking stamps and looking ata picture of his boy, and he then devoted more than anhour of his time to giving me every bit of information Iwanted - without my even suggesting that he do it. Hetold me all he knew, and then called in his subordinatesand questioned them. He telephoned some of his associates.He loaded me down with facts, figures, reportsand correspondence. In the parlance of newspaper reporters,I had a scoop.”
Here is another illustration:
C. M. Knaphle, Jr., of Philadelphia had tried for yearsto sell fuel to a large chain-store organization. But thechain-store company continued to purchase its fuel froman out-of-town dealer and haul it right past the door ofKnaphle’s office. Mr, Knaphle made a speech one nightbefore one of my classes, pouring out his hot wrathupon chain stores, branding them as a curse to thenation.
And still he wondered why he couldn’t sell them.
I suggested that he try different tactics. To put itbriefly, this is what happened. We staged a debate betweenmembers of the course on whether the spread of the chain store is doing the country more harm thangood.
Knaphle, at my suggestion, took the negative side; heagreed to defend the chain stores, and then went straightto an executive of the chain-store organization that hedespised and said: “I am not here to try to sell fuel. Ihave come to ask you to do me a favor.” He then toldabout his debate and said, “I have come to you for helpbecause I can’t think of anyone else who would be morecapable of giving me the facts I want. I’m anxious to winthis debate, and I’ll deeply appreciate whatever helpyou can give me.”
Here is the rest of the story in Mr. Knaphle’s ownwords:
I had asked this man for precisely one minute of his time.It was with that understanding that he consented to see me.After I had stated my case, he motioned me to a chair andtalked to me for exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes.He called in another executive who had written a book onchain stores. He wrote to the National Chain Store Associationand secured for me a copy of a debate on the subject.He feels that the chain store is rendering a real service tohumanity. He is proud of what he is doing for hundreds ofcommunities. His eyes fairly glowed as he talked, and Imust confess that he opened my eyes to things I had nevereven dreamed of. He changed my whole mental attitude.As I was leaving, he walked with me to the door, put hisarm around my shoulder, wished me well in my debate, andasked me to stop in and see him again and let him knowhow I made out. The last words he said to me were: “Pleasesee me again later in the spring. I should like to place anorder with you for fuel.”
To me that was almost a miracle. Here he was offering tobuy fuel without my even suggesting it. I had made moreheadway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested inhim and his problems than I could have made in ten yearstrying to get him interested in me and my product.
You didn’t discover a new truth, Mr. Knaphle, for along time ago, a hundred years before Christ was borna famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus, remarked;“We are interested in others when they are interested in us."
A show of interest, as with every other principle ofhuman relations, must be sincere. It must pay off notonly for the person showing the interest, but for the personreceiving the attention. It is a two-way street-bothparties benefit.
Martin Ginsberg, who took our Course in Long IslandNew York, reported how the special interest a nurse tookin him profoundly affected his life:
“It was Thanksgiving Day and I was ten years old. Iwas in a welfare ward of a city hospital and was scheduledto undergo major orthopedic surgery the next day.I knew that I could only look forward to months of confinement,convalescence and pain. My father was dead;my mother and I lived alone in a small apartment andwe were on welfare. My mother was unable to visit methat day.
“As the day went on, I became overwhelmed with thefeeling of loneliness, despair and fear. I knew mymother was home alone worrying about me, not havinganyone to be with, not having anyone to eat with and noteven having enough money to afford a ThanksgivingDay dinner.
“The tears welled up in my eyes, and I stuck my headunder the pillow and pulled the covers over it, I criedsilently, but oh so bitterly, so much that my body rackedwith pain.
“A young student nurse heard my sobbing and cameover to me. She took the covers off my face and startedwiping my tears. She told me how lonely she was, havingto work that day and not being able to be with herfamily. She asked me whether I would have dinner withher. She brought two trays of food: sliced turkey, masheda potatoes, cranberry sauce and ice cream for dessert. Shetalked to me and tried to calm my fears. Even thoughshe was scheduled to go off duty at 4 P.M., she stayed onher own time until almost 11 P.M. She played gameswith me, talked to me and stayed with me until I finallyfell asleep.
“Many Thanksgivings have come and gone since I
was ten, but one never passes without me rememberingthat particular one and my feelings of frustration, fear,loneliness and the warmth and tenderness of thestranger that somehow made it all bearable.”
If you want others to like you, if you want to developreal friendships, if you want to help others at thesame time as you help yourself, keep this principle inmind:
PRINCIPLE 1 Become genuinely interested in otherpeople.
2011-01-11 10:03 编辑：kuaileyingyu