There is only one way under high heaven to get anybodyto do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes,just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
Remember, there is no other way.
Of course, you can make someone want to give you hiswatch by sticking a revolver in his ribs. YOU can makeyour employees give you cooperation - until your backis turned - by threatening to fire them. You can make achild do what you want it to do by a whip or a threat. Butthese crude methods have sharply undesirable repercussions.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by givingyou what you want.
What do you want?
Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire tobe great.
John Dewey, one of America’s most profound philosophers,phrased it a bit differently. Dr. Dewey said thatthe deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to beimportant." Remember that phrase: “the desire to beimportant." It is significant. You are going to hear a lotabout it in this book.
What do you want? Not many things, but the fewthat you do wish, you crave with an insistencethat will not be denied. Some of the things mostpeoplewant include:
1. Health and the preservation of life.2. Food.3. Sleep.4. Money and the things money will buy.5. Life in the hereafter.6. Sexual gratification.7. The well-being of our children.8. A feeling of importance.
Almost all these wants are usually gratified-all exceptone. But there is one longing - almost as deep, almostas imperious, as the desire for food or sleep - whichis seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls “thedesire to be great.” It is what Dewey calls the “desire tobe important.”
Lincoln once began a letter saying: “Everybody likesa compliment.” William James said: "The deepest principlein human nature is the craving to be appreciated."He didn’t speak, mind you, of the “wish” or the “desire”or the “longing” to be appreciated. He said the "craving”to be appreciated.
Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, andthe rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hungerwill hold people in the palm of his or her hand and“even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.”
The desire for a feeling of importance is one of thechief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals. To illustrate: When I was a farm boy out inMissouri, my father bred fine Duroc-Jersey hogs and .pedigreed white - faced cattle. We used to exhibit ourhogs and white-faced cattle at the country fairs and live-stockshows throughout the Middle West. We won firstprizes by the score. My father pinned his blue ribbonson a sheet of white muslin, and when friends or visitorscame to the house, he would get out the long sheet ofmuslin. He would hold one end and I would hold theother while he exhibited the blue ribbons.
The hogs didn’t care about the ribbons they had won.But Father did. These prizes gave him a feeling of importance.
If our ancestors hadn’t had this flaming urge for a feelingof importance, civilization would have been impossible.Without it, we should have been just about likeanimals.
It was this desire for a feeling of importance that ledan uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to studysome law books he found in the bottom of a barrel ofhousehold plunder that he had bought for fifty cents.You have probably heard of this grocery clerk. His namewas Lincoln.
It was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspiredDickens to write his immortal novels. This desireinspired Sir Christoper Wren to design his symphoniesin stone. This desire made Rockefeller amass millionsthat he never spent! And this same desire made the richestfamily in your town build a house far too large for itsrequirements.
This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles,drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.
It is this desire that lures many boys and girls intojoining gangs and engaging in criminal activities. Theaverage young criminal, according to E. P. Mulrooney,onetime police commissioner of New York, is filled withego, and his first request after arrest is for those luridnewspapers that make him out a hero. The disagreeableprospect of serving time seems remote so long as he cangloat over his likeness sharing space with pictures ofsports figures, movie and TV stars and politicians.
If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance,I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.That is the most significant thing about you. Forexample, John D. Rockefeller got his feeling of importanceby giving money to erect a modern hospital inPeking, China, to care for millions of poor people whomhe had never seen and never would see. Dillinger, onthe other hand, got his feeling of importance by being abandit, a bank robber and killer. When the FBI agentswere hunting him, he dashed into a farmhouse up inMinnesota and said, “I’m Dillinger!” He was proud ofthe fact that he was Public Enemy Number One. “I’mnot going to hurt you, but I’m Dillinger!” he said.
Yes, the one significant difference between Dillingerand Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance.
History sparkles with amusing examples of famouspeople struggling for a feeling of importance. EvenGeorge Washington wanted to be called “His Mightiness,the President of the United States”; and Columbuspleaded for the title “Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroyof India.” Catherine the Great refused to open lettersthat were not addressed to “Her Imperial Majesty”; andMrs. Lincoln, in the White House, turned upon Mrs.Grant like a tigress and shouted, “How dare you beseated in my presence until I invite you!”
Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd’s expeditionto the Antarctic in 1928 with the understandingthat ranges of icy mountains would be named after them;and Victor Hugo aspired to have nothing less than thecity of Paris renamed in his honor. Even Shakespeare,mightiest of the mighty, tried to add luster to his nameby procuring a coat of arms for his family.
People sometimes became invalids in order to winsympathy and attention, and get a feeling of importance.For example, take Mrs. McKinley. She got a feeling ofimportance by forcing her husband, the President of theUnited States, to neglect important affairs of state whilehe reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time, hisarm about her, soothing her to sleep. She fed her gnawingdesire for attention by insisting that he remain withher while she was having her teeth fixed, and once created a stormy scene when he had to leave her alone withthe dentist while he kept an appointment with JohnHay, his secretary of state.
The writer Mary Roberts Rinehart once told me of abright, vigorous young woman who became an invalidin order to get a feeling of importance. “One day,” saidMrs. Rinehart, “this woman had been obliged to facesomething, her age perhaps. The lonely years werestretching ahead and there was little left for her to anticipate.
“She took to her bed; and for ten years her old mothertraveled to the third floor and back, carrying trays, nursingher. Then one day the old mother, weary with service,lay down and died. For some weeks, the invalidlanguished; then she got up, put on her clothing, andresumed living again.”
Some authorities declare that people may actually goinsane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, thefeeling of importance that has been denied them in theharsh world of reality. There are more patients sufferingfrom mental diseases in the United States than from allother diseases combined.
What is the cause of insanity?
Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but weknow that certain diseases, such as syphilis, break downand destroy the brain cells and result in insanity. In fact,about one-half of all mental diseases can be attributed tosuch physical causes as brain lesions, alcohol, toxins andinjuries. But the other half - and this is the appallingpart of the story - the other half of the people who goinsane apparently have nothing organically wrong withtheir brain cells. In post-mortem examinations, whentheir brain tissues are studied under the highest-poweredmicroscopes, these tissues are found to be apparentlyjust as healthy as yours and mine.
Why do these people go insane?
I put that question to the head physician of one of ourmost important psychiatric hospitals. This doctor, whohas received the highest honors and the most covetedawards for his knowledge of this subject, told me frankly that he didn’t know why people went insane. Nobodyknows for sure But he did say that many people who goinsane find in insanity a feeling of importance that theywere unable to achieve in the world of reality. Then hetold me this story:
"I have a patient right now whose marriage proved tobe a tragedy. She wanted love, sexual gratification, childrenand social prestige, but life blasted all her hopes.Her husband didn’t love her. He refused even to eatwith her and forced her to serve his meals in his roomupstairs. She had no children, no social standing. Shewent insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced herhusband and resumed her maiden name. She now believesshe has married into English aristocracy, and sheinsists on being called Lady Smith.
“And as for children, she imagines now that she hashad a new child every night. Each time I call on her shesays: ‘Doctor, I had a baby last night.’ "
Life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharprocks of reality; but in the sunny, fantasy isles of insanity,all her barkentines race into port with canvas billowingand winds singing through the masts.
" Tragic? Oh, I don’t know. Her physician said to me:If I could stretch out my hand and restore her sanity, Iwouldn’t do it. She’s much happier as she is."
If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importancethat they actually go insane to get it, imagine whatmiracle you and I can achieve by giving people honestappreciation this side of insanity.
One of the first people in American business to bepaid a salary of over a million dollars a year (when therewas no income tax and a person earning fifty dollars aweek was considered well off) was Charles Schwab, Hehad been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become thefirst president of the newly formed United States SteelCompany in 1921, when Schwab was only thirty-eightyears old. (Schwab later left U.S. Steel to take over thethen-troubled Bethlehem Steel Company, and he rebuiltit into one of the most profitable companies in America.)
Why did Andrew Carnegie pay a million dollars ayear, or more than three thousand dollars a day, toCharles Schwab? Why? Because Schwab was a genius?No. Because he knew more about the manufacture ofsteel than other people? Nonsense. Charles Schwab toldme himself that he had many men working for him whoknew more about the manufacture of steel than he did.
Schwab says that he was paid this salary largely becauseof his ability to deal with people. I asked him howhe did it. Here is his secret set down in his own words- words that ought to be cast in eternal bronze and hungin every home and school, every shop and office in theland - words that children ought to memorize instead ofwasting their time memorizing the conjugation of Latinverbs or the amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil - wordsthat will all but transform your life and mine if wewill only live them:
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among mypeople,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, andthe way to develop the best that is in a person is byappreciation and encouragement.
“There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of aperson as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any-one. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So Iam anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything,I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in mypraise. "That is what Schwab did. But what do average peopledo? The exact opposite. If they don’t like a thing, theybawl out their subordinates; if they do like it, they saynothing. As the old couplet says: “Once I did bad andthat I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heardnever.”
“In my wide association in life, meeting with manyand great people in various parts of the world,” Schwabdeclared, “I have yet to find the person, however greator exalted his station, who did not do better work andput forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than hewould ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie.Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as pr-vately.
Carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on histombstone. He wrote an epitaph for himself which read:“Here lies one who knew how to get around him menwho were cleverer than himself:”
Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the firstJohn D. Rockefeller’s success in handling men. For example,when one of his partners, Edward T. Bedford,lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in SouthAmerica, John D. might have criticized; but he knewBedford had done his best - and the incident wasclosed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; hecongratulated Bedford because he had been able to save60 percent of the money he had invested. “That’s splendid,"said Rockefeller. “We don’t always do as well asthat upstairs.”
I have among my clippings a story that I know neverhappened, but it illustrates a truth, so I’ll repeat it:
According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the endof a heavy day’s work, set before her menfolks a heapingpile of hay. And when they indignantly demandedwhether she had gone crazy, she replied: “Why, howdid I know you’d notice? I’ve been cooking for you menfor the last twenty years and in all that time I ain’t heardno word to let me know you wasn’t just eating hay.”
When a study was made a few years ago on runawaywives, what do you think was discovered to be the mainreason wives ran away? It was “lack of appreciation.”And I’d bet that a similar study made of runaway husbandswould come out the same way. We often take ourspouses so much for granted that we never let themknow we appreciate them.
A member of one of our classes told of a request madeby his wife. She and a group of other women in herchurch were involved in a self-improvement program.She asked her husband to help her by listing six thingshe believed she could do to help her become a betterwife. He reported to the class: “I was surprised by sucha request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her - my heavens,she could have listed a thousand things she wouldlike to change about me - but I didn’t. I said to her, ‘Letme think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’
“The next morning I got up very early and called theflorist and had them send six red roses to my wife with anote saying: ‘I can’t think of six things I would like tochange about you. I love you the way you are.’
“When I arrived at home that evening, who do youthink greeted me at the door: That’s right. My wife! Shewas almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremelyglad I had not criticized her as she had requested.
“The following Sunday at church, after she had reportedthe results of her assignment, several womenwith whom she had been studying came up to me andsaid, ‘That was the most considerate thing I have everheard.’ It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”
Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer whoever dazzled Broadway, gained his reputation by hissubtle ability to “glorify the American girl.” Time aftertime, he took drab little creatures that no one everlooked at twice and transformed them on the stage intoglamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowingthe value of appreciation and confidence, he madewomen feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantryand consideration. He was practical: he raised the salaryof chorus girls from thirty dollars a week to as high asone hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous;on opening night at the Follies, he sent telegramsto the stars in the cast, and he deluged every chorus girlin the show with American Beauty roses.
I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for sixdays and nights without eating. It wasn’t difficult. I wasless hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at theend of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people whowould think they had committed a crime if they let theirfamilies or employees go for six days without food; butthey will let them go for six days, and six weeks, andsometimes sixty years without giving them the heartyappreciation that they crave almost as much as theycrave food.
When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time,played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said,“There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for myself-esteem.”
We nourish the bodies of our children and friends andemployees, but how seldom do we nourish their selfesteem?We provide them with roast beef and potatoesto build energy, but we neglect to give them kind wordsof appreciation that would sing in their memories foryears like the music of the morning stars.
Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, “The Restof the Story,” told how showing sincere appreciation canchange a person’s life. He reported that years ago ateacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to help her find amouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she appreciatedthe fact that nature had given Stevie somethingno one else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie aremarkable pair of ears to compensate for his blind eyes.But this was really the first time Stevie had been shownappreciation for those talented ears. Now, years later, hesays that this act of appreciation was the beginning of anew life. You see, from that time on he developed hisgift of hearing and went on to become, under the stagename of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers andand songwriters of the seventies.*
* Paul Aurandt, Paul Harvey’s The Rest of the Story (New York: Doubleday,1977). Edited and compiled by Lynne Harvey. Copyright ? byPaulynne, Inc.
Some readers are saying right now as they read theselines: “Oh, phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I’ve tried thatstuff. It doesn’t work - not with intelligent people.”
Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people.It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to failand it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, sothirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything,just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.
Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery.Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he putit on thick in dealing with the Queen. To use his exactwords, he said he “spread it on with a trowel.” But Disraeli was one of the most polished, deft and adroit menwho ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was agenius in his line. What would work for him wouldn’tnecessarily work for you and me. In the long run, flatterywill do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit,and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get youinto trouble if you pass it to someone else.
The difference between appreciation and flattery?That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere.One comes from the heart out; the other from the teethout. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universallyadmired; the other universally condemned.
齐格飞，这位闪耀于百老汇，最有惊人成就的歌舞剧家。由于他有使美国女子?赫 技巧而出名，他屡次把人们不愿意多看一眼，很不出色的女子，改变成在舞台上一 神秘诱人的尤物。
I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General AlvaroObregon in the Chapultepec palace in Mexico City.Below the bust are carved these wise words from GeneralObregon’s philosophy: “Don’t be afraid of enemieswho attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”
No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it.I’m talking about a new way of life. Let me repeat. I amtalking about a new way of life.
King George V had a set of six maxims displayed onthe walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One ofthese maxims said: “Teach me neither to proffer nor receivecheap praise.” That’s all flattery is - cheap praise.I once read a definition of flattery that may be worthrepeating: “Flattery is telling the other person preciselywhat he thinks about himself.”
“Use what language you will,” said Ralph WaldoEmerson, “you can never say anything but what youare ."
If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catchon and we should all be experts in human relations.
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definiteproblem, we usually spend about 95 percent of ourtime thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinkingabout ourselves for a while and begin to think of theother person’s good points, we won’t have to resort toflattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almostbefore it is out of the mouth,
One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existenceis appreciation, Somehow, we neglect to praiseour son or daughter when he or she brings home a goodreport card, and we fail to encourage our children whenthey first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse.
Nothing pleases children more than this kind ofparental interest and approval.
The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, sendword to the chef that it was excellently prepared, andwhen a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy,please mention it.
Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows thediscouragement of pouring himself or herself out to anaudience and not receiving a single ripple of appreciativecomment. What applies to professionals appliesdoubly to workers in offices, shops and factories and ourfamilies and friends. In our interpersonal relations weshould never forget that all our associates are humanbeings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tenderthat all souls enjoy.
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitudeon your daily trips. You will be surprised how they willset small flames of friendship that will be rose beaconson your next visit.
Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, hadamong her responsibilities on her job the supervision ofa janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employeeswould jeer at him and litter the hallways to showhim what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad, productivetime was being lost in the shop.
Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivatethis person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularlygood piece of work. She made a point to praisehim for it in front of the other people. Each day the jobhe did all around got better, and pretty soon he starteddoing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellentjob and other people give him appreciation and recognition.Honest appreciation got results where criticismand ridicule failed.
Hurting people not only does not change them, it isnever called for. There is an old saying that I have cutout and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help butsee it every day:
I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that Ican do or any kindness that I can show to any human being,let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shallnot pass this way again.
Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior insome way, In that, I learn of him.”
If that was true of Emerson, isn’t it likely to be a thousandtimes more true of you and me? Let’s cease thinkingof our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figureout the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery.Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in yourapprobation and lavish in your praise,” and people willcherish your words and treasure them and repeat themover a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgottenthem.
PRINCIPLE 2Give honest and sincere appreciation.
2011-01-07 15:22 编辑：kuaileyingyu