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《人性的弱点》第一篇第2章 与人相处的最大秘诀

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  天底下只有一个方法,可使任何一个人去做任何一件事,你有没有静心下来,想过这件事呢?是的,只有这样一个方法,那是使人愿意去做那一件事。
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybodyto do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes,just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
  记住,再也没有其它方法--。
  Remember, there is no other way.
  当然,你可以用一枝左轮手枪,对着一个人的胸脯,那人会乖乖的把手表给你。你可以用恫吓解雇的方法--在你尚未转身过来前--叫一个雇用的人跟你合作。你也可以用鞭笞,或是恫吓,让一个孩子做你所需要他做的事。可是这些粗笨的方法,都有极端不利的反应
  Of course, you can make someone want to give you hiswatch by sticking a revolver in his ribs. YOU can makeyour employees give you cooperation - until your backis turned - by threatening to fire them. You can make achild do what you want it to do by a whip or a threat. Butthese crude methods have sharply undesirable repercussions.
  我能叫你去做任何事情的唯一方法,那就是把你所需要的给你。
  The only way I can get you to do anything is by givingyou what you want.
  你要些什么?
  What do you want?
  维也纳一位二十世纪最享盛誉的心理学家--「佛洛伊德」博士,他曾这样 说:凡你我所做的事,都起源于两种动机,那是性的冲动,和能成为伟人的欲望。
  Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire tobe great.
  美国一位著名的哲学家--杜威教授,对这上面所用的字句,稍有不同的见解。杜威博士说:人类天性中最深切的冲动,那是「成为重要人物的欲望" .记着「成为重要人物的欲望」这句话,是很重要的,你从这本书中将看到很多关于这句话的话。
  John Dewey, one of America’s most profound philosophers,phrased it a bit differently. Dr. Dewey said thatthe deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to beimportant." Remember that phrase: “the desire to beimportant." It is significant. You are going to hear a lotabout it in this book.
你要些什么?并不是很多的束西,可是真正所需要的几种东西,你不容拒绝的坚持着要追求。差不多每个正常的成人都想要--
  What do you want? Not many things, but the fewthat you do wish, you crave with an insistencethat will not be denied. Some of the things mostpeoplewant include:
  一、健康,和生命的保护。
  1. Health and the preservation of life.2. Food.3. Sleep.4. Money and the things money will buy.5. Life in the hereafter.6. Sexual gratification.7. The well-being of our children.8. A feeling of importance.
  二、食物。
  Almost all these wants are usually gratified-all exceptone. But there is one longing - almost as deep, almostas imperious, as the desire for food or sleep - whichis seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls “thedesire to be great.” It is what Dewey calls the “desire tobe important.”
  三、睡眠。
  Lincoln once began a letter saying: “Everybody likesa compliment.” William James said: "The deepest principlein human nature is the craving to be appreciated."He didn’t speak, mind you, of the “wish” or the “desire”or the “longing” to be appreciated. He said the "craving”to be appreciated.
  四、金钱,和金钱所能买到的。
  Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, andthe rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hungerwill hold people in the palm of his or her hand and“even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.”
  五、生命的后顾。
  The desire for a feeling of importance is one of thechief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals. To illustrate: When I was a farm boy out inMissouri, my father bred fine Duroc-Jersey hogs and .pedigreed white - faced cattle. We used to exhibit ourhogs and white-faced cattle at the country fairs and live-stockshows throughout the Middle West. We won firstprizes by the score. My father pinned his blue ribbonson a sheet of white muslin, and when friends or visitorscame to the house, he would get out the long sheet ofmuslin. He would hold one end and I would hold theother while he exhibited the blue ribbons.
  六、性生活的满足。
  The hogs didn’t care about the ribbons they had won.But Father did. These prizes gave him a feeling of importance.
  七、子女们的健全。
  If our ancestors hadn’t had this flaming urge for a feelingof importance, civilization would have been impossible.Without it, we should have been just about likeanimals.
  八、自 重感。
  It was this desire for a feeling of importance that ledan uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to studysome law books he found in the bottom of a barrel ofhousehold plunder that he had bought for fifty cents.You have probably heard of this grocery clerk. His namewas Lincoln.
  差不多所有这些欲望都能满足,可是其中有一种欲望,同食物、睡眠一样,既深切,又难得满足,那就是佛洛伊德所说的,「成为伟人的欲望」。也就是杜威所说,「成为重要人物的欲望」。
  It was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspiredDickens to write his immortal novels. This desireinspired Sir Christoper Wren to design his symphoniesin stone. This desire made Rockefeller amass millionsthat he never spent! And this same desire made the richestfamily in your town build a house far too large for itsrequirements.
  林肯有次写信开头就说:「每个人都喜欢受人恭维。」威利,贾姆士也有这样说过:「人类天性至深的本质,就是渴求为人所重视。」他并不是说「希望」,或「欲望」,或是「渴望」,而是说了「渴求」为人所重视。
  This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles,drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.
  这是一种痛苦的,而且急待解决的人类「饥饿」,如果能诚挚的满足这种内心饥饿的人,就可以将人们掌握在他手掌之中。
  It is this desire that lures many boys and girls intojoining gangs and engaging in criminal activities. Theaverage young criminal, according to E. P. Mulrooney,onetime police commissioner of New York, is filled withego, and his first request after arrest is for those luridnewspapers that make him out a hero. The disagreeableprospect of serving time seems remote so long as he cangloat over his likeness sharing space with pictures ofsports figures, movie and TV stars and politicians.
  寻求自重感的欲望,是人类和动物间,一项重要的差别。就有这样一个例子。那时我是米苏里的一个农家儿童,我父亲饲养一种品种优良的猪,和一种白脸牛。那时我们常在牲口展览会中,陈列我们的猪和白脸牛,我们曾经获得几十次的头奖。
If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance,I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.That is the most significant thing about you. Forexample, John D. Rockefeller got his feeling of importanceby giving money to erect a modern hospital inPeking, China, to care for millions of poor people whomhe had never seen and never would see. Dillinger, onthe other hand, got his feeling of importance by being abandit, a bank robber and killer. When the FBI agentswere hunting him, he dashed into a farmhouse up inMinnesota and said, “I’m Dillinger!” He was proud ofthe fact that he was Public Enemy Number One. “I’mnot going to hurt you, but I’m Dillinger!” he said.
  我父亲把蓝缎带的奖章,用针则在一条白布上,当有亲友们来我们家时,父亲就拿出这条白布来,我握着这一端,他握着那一端,将中着头奖的蓝缎带,让亲友们来观赏。
  Yes, the one significant difference between Dillingerand Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance.
  猪、牛并不在乎牠们赢得的蓝锻带,可是父亲却十分重视,因为这些奖品,替他带来了一种「自重」的感觉。
  History sparkles with amusing examples of famouspeople struggling for a feeling of importance. EvenGeorge Washington wanted to be called “His Mightiness,the President of the United States”; and Columbuspleaded for the title “Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroyof India.” Catherine the Great refused to open lettersthat were not addressed to “Her Imperial Majesty”; andMrs. Lincoln, in the White House, turned upon Mrs.Grant like a tigress and shouted, “How dare you beseated in my presence until I invite you!”
  假如我们的祖先,没有这种「自重感」炽烈的冲动,我们不会有文化,就跟其它动物差不多了。
  Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd’s expeditionto the Antarctic in 1928 with the understandingthat ranges of icy mountains would be named after them;and Victor Hugo aspired to have nothing less than thecity of Paris renamed in his honor. Even Shakespeare,mightiest of the mighty, tried to add luster to his nameby procuring a coat of arms for his family.
  就是这种自重感的欲望,激起一个没有受过良好教育,在一家杂货店工作的贫困店员,翻遍了整个满堆杂货的大木桶,找出他用五分钱所买的几本法律书籍,痛下决心去研究。你或许听说过这杂货店的店员,他的名宇叫「林肯」。
  People sometimes became invalids in order to winsympathy and attention, and get a feeling of importance.For example, take Mrs. McKinley. She got a feeling ofimportance by forcing her husband, the President of theUnited States, to neglect important affairs of state whilehe reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time, hisarm about her, soothing her to sleep. She fed her gnawingdesire for attention by insisting that he remain withher while she was having her teeth fixed, and once created a stormy scene when he had to leave her alone withthe dentist while he kept an appointment with JohnHay, his secretary of state.
  这自重感的欲望,激发了狄更斯写出他不朽的名著。这自重感的欲望,使华伦完成了他的设计。同时由于这自重感的欲望,使洛克菲勒积存了他一辈子花不完的钱。也就是这个欲望,使你城里的巨富,建造一座他所需要的大房子。
  The writer Mary Roberts Rinehart once told me of abright, vigorous young woman who became an invalidin order to get a feeling of importance. “One day,” saidMrs. Rinehart, “this woman had been obliged to facesomething, her age perhaps. The lonely years werestretching ahead and there was little left for her to anticipate.
  这个欲望,能使你穿上最新颖的服饰,驾驶最漂亮的轿车,谈谈你白己聪明伶俐的孩子
  “She took to her bed; and for ten years her old mothertraveled to the third floor and back, carrying trays, nursingher. Then one day the old mother, weary with service,lay down and died. For some weeks, the invalidlanguished; then she got up, put on her clothing, andresumed living again.”
  也就是这种欲望,使许多青少年成为盗匪。前任警察总监玛罗尼,他曾这样说过:
  Some authorities declare that people may actually goinsane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, thefeeling of importance that has been denied them in theharsh world of reality. There are more patients sufferingfrom mental diseases in the United States than from allother diseases combined.
  「今日一般年轻的罪犯,充满着对虚名的盲目追求,在被捕后他们的第一个要求,就是要阅读把他们写为英雄的那种不上流的报纸。他只要能看到自己的相片,就像跟爱因斯坦,林白,托斯加尼,或罗斯福等名人,同样在报上占到篇幅时,他根本没有想到,进受刑室坐电椅是那回事了。」
  What is the cause of insanity?
  如果你告诉我,你是如何得到你的自重感,我就可以告诉你,你是怎样的人;确定你的性格,对你来讲,是桩最重要的事。现在有这样的例子。洛克菲勒捐钱在中国北平建造最新式的医院,照顾了许多他没有见过面,同时也永远不会见面的贫民,藉此得到了他的自重感
  Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but weknow that certain diseases, such as syphilis, break downand destroy the brain cells and result in insanity. In fact,about one-half of all mental diseases can be attributed tosuch physical causes as brain lesions, alcohol, toxins andinjuries. But the other half - and this is the appallingpart of the story - the other half of the people who goinsane apparently have nothing organically wrong withtheir brain cells. In post-mortem examinations, whentheir brain tissues are studied under the highest-poweredmicroscopes, these tissues are found to be apparentlyjust as healthy as yours and mine.
  反过来说,狄林克做土匪、抢银行、杀人,也是在满足自重感。当警方人员搜捕他时,狄林克奔进人家农舍里……他以他是第一号公敌为荣,所以他大声的说:「我是狄林克……我不会杀害你,但我是狄林克!」
  Why do these people go insane?
  是的,狄林克和洛克菲勒最大的差别,就在他们如何获得自己的自重感。
  I put that question to the head physician of one of ourmost important psychiatric hospitals. This doctor, whohas received the highest honors and the most covetedawards for his knowledge of this subject, told me frankly that he didn’t know why people went insane. Nobodyknows for sure But he did say that many people who goinsane find in insanity a feeling of importance that theywere unable to achieve in the world of reality. Then hetold me this story:
  历史上有很多是名人为了自重感挣扎的有趣事例。甚至于华盛顿,都愿意有人称他是至高无上的美国总统;哥伦布向皇家请求获得「海洋大将」,和「印度总督」的名衔;女皇凯撒琳,拒绝拆阅没有称她「女皇陛下」的信件;林肯夫人在白宫,向格兰脱夫人像头雌老虎似的吼叫:「我没有请妳之前,妳怎敢坐在我面前!」
  "I have a patient right now whose marriage proved tobe a tragedy. She wanted love, sexual gratification, childrenand social prestige, but life blasted all her hopes.Her husband didn’t love her. He refused even to eatwith her and forced her to serve his meals in his roomupstairs. She had no children, no social standing. Shewent insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced herhusband and resumed her maiden name. She now believesshe has married into English aristocracy, and sheinsists on being called Lady Smith.
  有一些百万富翁,资助「白特」将军去南极探险,附带一个条件,是许多冰山都需取用他们的名宇。而那个「夫古」,甚至希望把巴黎,改称成他的名字。
  “And as for children, she imagines now that she hashad a new child every night. Each time I call on her shesays: ‘Doctor, I had a baby last night.’ "
  人们会为了取得同情、注意,和一种「自重感」而故意装病。例如麦金利夫人,强迫她任职美国总统的丈夫,放下国家的重要事务,要他倚偎在她床边,搂抱着她,抚慰她睡去,这样每次需要数小时的时间,麦金利夫人藉此得到她的中自重感。
  Life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharprocks of reality; but in the sunny, fantasy isles of insanity,all her barkentines race into port with canvas billowingand winds singing through the masts.
  麦金利夫人坚持麦金利在她医牙的时候,陪同她在一起,藉此满足她医牙痛楚时被注意的欲望。有一次麦金利和强海有约,不得不让她一个人留在牙医处这样便使她大发脾气。
  " Tragic? Oh, I don’t know. Her physician said to me:If I could stretch out my hand and restore her sanity, Iwouldn’t do it. She’s much happier as she is."
  琳哈特夫人有一次告诉我,有个年轻能干的少妇,为了要得到自重感,而装成一个病人。琳哈特夫人说:「有一天,这妇人不得不面对一种事实……或许是年龄的关系,使她永远不能结婚的事实,想到孤独的晚年就将在她面前展开,可期望的事,实在太少了。」
  If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importancethat they actually go insane to get it, imagine whatmiracle you and I can achieve by giving people honestappreciation this side of insanity.
  琳哈特夫人又说:「她躺在床上有十年的时间。她年老的母亲,每天上下三楼,捧着碟盘去侍候她。有一天,这位年老的母亲由于过度的疲惫,终于倒地去世,床上的这个病人,沮丧了数星期后,她穿衣起床,身上的病也消失了。」
  One of the first people in American business to bepaid a salary of over a million dollars a year (when therewas no income tax and a person earning fifty dollars aweek was considered well off) was Charles Schwab, Hehad been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become thefirst president of the newly formed United States SteelCompany in 1921, when Schwab was only thirty-eightyears old. (Schwab later left U.S. Steel to take over thethen-troubled Bethlehem Steel Company, and he rebuiltit into one of the most profitable companies in America.)
  有些专家宣称……人可能真的会发疯,为的是要在疯狂的幻境中,寻找冷酷的现实世界上所得不到的自重感。在美国医院中,患精神病的数目,要比患其它病的总合还多。如果你年纪在十五岁以上,又住在纽约州这地方,你可能有二十分之一的机会,在你的一生中要住七年以上的疯人病院。
Why did Andrew Carnegie pay a million dollars ayear, or more than three thousand dollars a day, toCharles Schwab? Why? Because Schwab was a genius?No. Because he knew more about the manufacture ofsteel than other people? Nonsense. Charles Schwab toldme himself that he had many men working for him whoknew more about the manufacture of steel than he did.
  精神错乱的原因是什么?
  Schwab says that he was paid this salary largely becauseof his ability to deal with people. I asked him howhe did it. Here is his secret set down in his own words- words that ought to be cast in eternal bronze and hungin every home and school, every shop and office in theland - words that children ought to memorize instead ofwasting their time memorizing the conjugation of Latinverbs or the amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil - wordsthat will all but transform your life and mine if wewill only live them:
  没有人能回答出那样笼统的问题,不过我可以知道有若干的疾病……像性病,会摧残伤害脑细胞,结果导致癫狂。实际上,约有半数以上的精神病,可以归源于这类的生理原因,
  “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among mypeople,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, andthe way to develop the best that is in a person is byappreciation and encouragement.
  像脑部受到损伤,酒醉、中毒,和由于其它原因所造成的伤害。
  “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of aperson as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any-one. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So Iam anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything,I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in mypraise. "That is what Schwab did. But what do average peopledo? The exact opposite. If they don’t like a thing, theybawl out their subordinates; if they do like it, they saynothing. As the old couplet says: “Once I did bad andthat I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heardnever.”
  可是另外那半数……这是令人惶恐的部份……那其它半数疯狂的人,明显的,他脑细胞机构中并没有任何病态。在他去世后解剖检验,用最高性能的显微镜研究他的脑细胞组织,发现他的脑细胞,完全跟我们一样健全。
  “In my wide association in life, meeting with manyand great people in various parts of the world,” Schwabdeclared, “I have yet to find the person, however greator exalted his station, who did not do better work andput forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than hewould ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
  为什么这些人会精神错乱?
  That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie.Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as pr-vately.
  我最近曾向一位疯人医院的主治医师,提出那样的问题这位医师由于他有渊博的,有关精神病理方面的学识,使他获得最高的荣誉。他实在的对我说,他也不知道人们如何会精神错乱。可是他却作这样的解释……许多精神错乱的人,在他疯癫中,找到了真实世界中所无法获得的自重感。这位医师,他告诉了我一个真实的故事。
  Carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on histombstone. He wrote an epitaph for himself which read:“Here lies one who knew how to get around him menwho were cleverer than himself:”
  「我现在有个病人,她的婚姻是一出悲剧,她需要爱情、孩子,和社会上的声望。可是现实的生活,却没有赋予她梦幻中的希望。她丈夫不爱她,甚至于拒绝跟她一起用餐,她丈夫并且强迫她服侍他在楼上房间吃饭。她没有孩子,没有社会地位。终于造成了她精神错乱,而现在在她疯癫梦幻中,已跟她丈夫离了婚,恢复了她少女时的姓名。她现在相信自己,已嫁给英国皇家贵族;并且坚持要人家称她是斯密司夫人。
  Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the firstJohn D. Rockefeller’s success in handling men. For example,when one of his partners, Edward T. Bedford,lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in SouthAmerica, John D. might have criticized; but he knewBedford had done his best - and the incident wasclosed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; hecongratulated Bedford because he had been able to save60 percent of the money he had invested. “That’s splendid,"said Rockefeller. “We don’t always do as well asthat upstairs.”
  至于她所希望的孩子,现在她幻想中也已经有了。每次我去看她时,她说『医生,我昨夜生了一个孩子。」」
  I have among my clippings a story that I know neverhappened, but it illustrates a truth, so I’ll repeat it:
  这故事悲惨吗?我不知道。那位医师对我说:
  According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the endof a heavy day’s work, set before her menfolks a heapingpile of hay. And when they indignantly demandedwhether she had gone crazy, she replied: “Why, howdid I know you’d notice? I’ve been cooking for you menfor the last twenty years and in all that time I ain’t heardno word to let me know you wasn’t just eating hay.”
  「如果我能伸出我的手,去治愈恢复她的清醒,我也不愿意那样做,她现在似乎获得了她真正所期盼的快乐。」
  When a study was made a few years ago on runawaywives, what do you think was discovered to be the mainreason wives ran away? It was “lack of appreciation.”And I’d bet that a similar study made of runaway husbandswould come out the same way. We often take ourspouses so much for granted that we never let themknow we appreciate them.
  以整体来讲,精神失常的人,似乎要比你我快乐。既然许多人以疯癫为快乐,他们为什么不这样呢?他们已经解决了他们的问题……。他们可以轻而易举的签出一张百万元的支票给你。或者给你」封介绍信,去见一位有名的人物。在他们所创造的梦境中,他们能找到他们所期望的自重感。
  A member of one of our classes told of a request madeby his wife. She and a group of other women in herchurch were involved in a self-improvement program.She asked her husband to help her by listing six thingshe believed she could do to help her become a betterwife. He reported to the class: “I was surprised by sucha request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her - my heavens,she could have listed a thousand things she wouldlike to change about me - but I didn’t. I said to her, ‘Letme think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’
  如果有人对自重感,这样的迫切饥渴,甚至于真的成了精神失常只为获得它,试想若是在人们尚未疯癫前,就给他真诚的赞扬,那时你我的成就,又会产生什么样的奇迹?
  “The next morning I got up very early and called theflorist and had them send six red roses to my wife with anote saying: ‘I can’t think of six things I would like tochange about you. I love you the way you are.’
  据我所知道:有史以来,年薪百万元的只有两个人,那个「克莱斯勒」和「司华伯」。
  “When I arrived at home that evening, who do youthink greeted me at the door: That’s right. My wife! Shewas almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremelyglad I had not criticized her as she had requested.
  「恩地.卡耐基」为什么要付司华伯年薪百万元,或是三千余元一天呢?那是为什么?
  “The following Sunday at church, after she had reportedthe results of her assignment, several womenwith whom she had been studying came up to me andsaid, ‘That was the most considerate thing I have everheard.’ It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”
  恩地.卡耐基付司华伯年薪百万元,那是由于司华伯是位优秀的天才?不,不是的。那是由于司华伯对钢铁的制造,有特殊的专长?不,也不是的。
  Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer whoever dazzled Broadway, gained his reputation by hissubtle ability to “glorify the American girl.” Time aftertime, he took drab little creatures that no one everlooked at twice and transformed them on the stage intoglamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowingthe value of appreciation and confidence, he madewomen feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantryand consideration. He was practical: he raised the salaryof chorus girls from thirty dollars a week to as high asone hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous;on opening night at the Follies, he sent telegramsto the stars in the cast, and he deluged every chorus girlin the show with American Beauty roses.
  司华伯曾这样告诉过我,有许多在他手下做事的,对钢铁的制造方面,比他知道得多。司华伯有这样高的薪金,那是由于他有特殊待人的能力。我问他是怎么做的这里就是他亲口告诉我的情形……这些话应该刻在能永久保留的铜牌上,把这面铜牌悬在全国每个家庭、学校、商店、办公室里。这些话,当在孩子的时候,就应该背诵下来……如果我们真能照着那些话去做,你我的生活方式,跟过去就完全不一样了。
  I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for sixdays and nights without eating. It wasn’t difficult. I wasless hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at theend of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people whowould think they had committed a crime if they let theirfamilies or employees go for six days without food; butthey will let them go for six days, and six weeks, andsometimes sixty years without giving them the heartyappreciation that they crave almost as much as theycrave food.
  司华伯他这样说:「我认为,我在人群中有激发他们热诚的能力,那是我所具有最大的资源……我充份发展每一个人才能的方法,是用赞赏和鼓励!」
When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time,played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said,“There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for myself-esteem.”
  他又说:「世界上最容易摧毁一个人志向的,那就是上司所给他的批评。我从来不批评任何人,我只给人们工作的激励。我是急于称赞,而迟于寻错,如果说我喜欢什么的话,那就是诚于嘉许,宽于称道。」
  We nourish the bodies of our children and friends andemployees, but how seldom do we nourish their selfesteem?We provide them with roast beef and potatoesto build energy, but we neglect to give them kind wordsof appreciation that would sing in their memories foryears like the music of the morning stars.
  那是司华伯平时所做的,也正跟普通一般人相反的。一般人不喜欢一件事,他会尽量的挑剔错误,如果真的喜欢,他会什么话也不说一句。
  Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, “The Restof the Story,” told how showing sincere appreciation canchange a person’s life. He reported that years ago ateacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to help her find amouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she appreciatedthe fact that nature had given Stevie somethingno one else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie aremarkable pair of ears to compensate for his blind eyes.But this was really the first time Stevie had been shownappreciation for those talented ears. Now, years later, hesays that this act of appreciation was the beginning of anew life. You see, from that time on he developed hisgift of hearing and went on to become, under the stagename of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers andand songwriters of the seventies.*
  司华伯又这样说:「在我一生的广阔交往,和世界各地知名之士见面中,我还没有找到一个人,无论他如何伟大,地位如何崇高,不是在被赞许的情形下,比在被批评的情形下,更能够成就伟大的事业。」
  * Paul Aurandt, Paul Harvey’s The Rest of the Story (New York: Doubleday,1977). Edited and compiled by Lynne Harvey. Copyright ? byPaulynne, Inc.
  是的,他所说的,就是「思地.卡耐基」惊人成就的一项显著的理由。思地.卡耐基并非私下的,而是公开的称赞他的同仁。
  Some readers are saying right now as they read theselines: “Oh, phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I’ve tried thatstuff. It doesn’t work - not with intelligent people.”
  思地.卡耐基甚至于在他的墓碑上,还称赞他的助手。这是他为自己所写的碑文:「埋葬在这裹的,是个知道如何跟比他自己聪明的人相处的一个人。」
  Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people.It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to failand it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, sothirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything,just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.
  诚恳的赞赏,是洛克菲勒对待人的一个成功的秘诀。例如有这样一件事……当他的一个伙伴:倍德福,措施失当,在南美做错了一宗买卖,而使公司亏损了一百万元时,洛克菲勒对他并没有任何批评,或指责。
  Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery.Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he putit on thick in dealing with the Queen. To use his exactwords, he said he “spread it on with a trowel.” But Disraeli was one of the most polished, deft and adroit menwho ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was agenius in his line. What would work for him wouldn’tnecessarily work for you and me. In the long run, flatterywill do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit,and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get youinto trouble if you pass it to someone else.
  他知道倍德福已尽了最大的努力,同时这件事已告结束。所以洛氏找些可称赞的事来,他恭贺倍德福,幸而保全了他投资金额的百分之六十。洛克菲勒这样说:「那已经不错了,我们做事不会每一件都是称心如意的。」
  The difference between appreciation and flattery?That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere.One comes from the heart out; the other from the teethout. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universallyadmired; the other universally condemned.
  齐格飞,这位闪耀于百老汇,最有惊人成就的歌舞剧家。由于他有使美国女子?赫 技巧而出名,他屡次把人们不愿意多看一眼,很不出色的女子,改变成在舞台上一 神秘诱人的尤物。
  I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General AlvaroObregon in the Chapultepec palace in Mexico City.Below the bust are carved these wise words from GeneralObregon’s philosophy: “Don’t be afraid of enemieswho attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”
  齐格飞很实际,他增加歌女们的薪金,从每星期三十元,到一百七十五元。他也重义气,在福利斯歌舞剧开幕之夜,他发出贺电给剧中明星,并且赠予每一个表演的歌女一朵美丽的玫瑰花。
  No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it.I’m talking about a new way of life. Let me repeat. I amtalking about a new way of life.
  我曾经有一次为「流行」的绝食所迷,有六个昼夜没有吃束西。那种情形并不困难,到第六天时,似乎比第二天还不感到饥饿。可是你我都知道,如果有人使他的家人,或是雇员,六天内没有东西吃,那就犯了罪。可是他们却会六天,六星期,或是六十年不给家里的人,或是雇员所期盼中得到像食物一样的赞美。
  King George V had a set of six maxims displayed onthe walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One ofthese maxims said: “Teach me neither to proffer nor receivecheap praise.” That’s all flattery is - cheap praise.I once read a definition of flattery that may be worthrepeating: “Flattery is telling the other person preciselywhat he thinks about himself.”
  当年,「爱尔法利特.仑脱」在「维也纳的重合」剧中担任主角的时候,曾经有这样说过:「我最需要的东西,是我自尊的滋养。」
  “Use what language you will,” said Ralph WaldoEmerson, “you can never say anything but what youare ."
  我们照顾了孩子、朋友,和员工们体内所需要的营养,可是我们给他们自尊上所需要的营养,却又何等稀少。我们给了他们牛排、马铃薯等的食物,培植他们的体力,可是忽略了给他们赞赏,和那些温和的言语。
  If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catchon and we should all be experts in human relations.
  有些读者看到这几句话时,可能会这样说:「这是老套,恭维,阿谀,拍马屁,我都已尝试过那些了,一点也没用………这些对受过教育的知识分子是没有用的。」
  When we are not engaged in thinking about some definiteproblem, we usually spend about 95 percent of ourtime thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinkingabout ourselves for a while and begin to think of theother person’s good points, we won’t have to resort toflattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almostbefore it is out of the mouth,
  当然拍马屁那一套,是骗不了明白人的,那是肤浅,自私,虚伪的,那应该失败,而且
One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existenceis appreciation, Somehow, we neglect to praiseour son or daughter when he or she brings home a goodreport card, and we fail to encourage our children whenthey first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse.
  经常要失败。可是,有些人对赞赏,出于内心的赞赏,简直太需要了。
  Nothing pleases children more than this kind ofparental interest and approval.
  有这样一个例子:屡次结婚的狄文尼兄弟俩,为什么在婚姻方面,会有这样炫耀的成功?为什么这两位所谓「公子哥儿」的狄文尼兄弟,能与两位美丽的电影明星,和一位著名的歌剧主角,和另外一位拥有数百万家产的哈顿结婚?那是什么原因?他们是怎么做的?
  The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, sendword to the chef that it was excellently prepared, andwhen a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy,please mention it.
  圣约翰在自由杂志中,曾这样说:「狄文尼对女人的魅力,这许多年来,是人们心里的
  Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows thediscouragement of pouring himself or herself out to anaudience and not receiving a single ripple of appreciativecomment. What applies to professionals appliesdoubly to workers in offices, shops and factories and ourfamilies and friends. In our interpersonal relations weshould never forget that all our associates are humanbeings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tenderthat all souls enjoy.
  一个谜……」
  Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitudeon your daily trips. You will be surprised how they willset small flames of friendship that will be rose beaconson your next visit.
  他又说:「妮格雷这女人能识别男人,也是一位艺术家,有一次她向我解释说:「他们了解恭维、谄媚的艺术,比我所看到其它所有人的都成功。这恭维的艺术,在这真实幽默的时代中,几乎是一件给人忘了的东西,狄文尼对女人的魅力,或许就在这上面了。」」
  Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, hadamong her responsibilities on her job the supervision ofa janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employeeswould jeer at him and litter the hallways to showhim what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad, productivetime was being lost in the shop.
  赞赏和谄媚的区别在……那很容易识别出来,赞赏是出于真诚,而谄媚是虚伪的。一个出于由衷,一个出于嘴裹 --一个是不自私的,一个是自私的。一个是为人们所钦佩的,一个是令人不耻而扬弃的。
  Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivatethis person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularlygood piece of work. She made a point to praisehim for it in front of the other people. Each day the jobhe did all around got better, and pretty soon he starteddoing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellentjob and other people give him appreciation and recognition.Honest appreciation got results where criticismand ridicule failed.
  最近我去墨西哥城的「吉伯尔铁匹克」官,看到「奥伯利根」将军的半身人像。半身像的下面,刻着奥伯利根将军的名言:「别怕攻击你的敌人,提防谄媚你的朋友。」
Hurting people not only does not change them, it isnever called for. There is an old saying that I have cutout and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help butsee it every day:
  不!不!我不是叫人去谄媚、恭维,那相差远了,我是在讲一种生活的方法,一种新的方法。
  I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that Ican do or any kindness that I can show to any human being,let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shallnot pass this way again.
  英皇乔治五世他有一套格言,共有六条,悬在白金汉宫书房的墙上。其中有一条是说,「教我不要奉承或接受卑贱的赞美」。「卑贱的赞美」,就是「谄媚」的解释了。我曾经看到一句关于谄媚的话,很值得写在这里,那是「谄媚是明白的告诉别人,他想到他自己的种种」。
  Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior insome way, In that, I learn of him.”
  利夫华尔特.爱默逊说:「你用任何的言语,而所要说的,总离不开自己的种种。」
  If that was true of Emerson, isn’t it likely to be a thousandtimes more true of you and me? Let’s cease thinkingof our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figureout the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery.Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in yourapprobation and lavish in your praise,” and people willcherish your words and treasure them and repeat themover a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgottenthem.
  如果我们所要做的,就是用恭维、谄媚,那么任何人都可以学会,都可以成为「人类关系学」的专家了。
  PRINCIPLE 2Give honest and sincere appreciation.
  当我们不在思考某种确定的问题时,常用我们百分之九十五的时间去思考自己。而现在如果停止一刻不去想我们自己,开始想想别人的优点;我们就不必措辞卑贱、虚伪,在话未说出口时,已可以发觉是错误的谄媚了。
  爱默逊又说:「凡我所遇到的人,都有胜过我的地方,我就学他那些好的地方。」
  爱默逊这样的见解,是非常正确,是值得我们所重视的。停止思考我们自己的成就和需要,让我们去研究别人的优点,把对人的恭维、谄媚忘掉,给予人由哀、诚恳的赞赏。人们对你所讲的,将会重视和珍惜,终生藏之背诵……即使你已把这件事忘了很久;可是他还牢牢记着你所说的话。
标签:相处秘诀 弱点
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2011-01-07 15:22 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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