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男女之间如何做朋友

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要建立一种真正柏拉图式的关系需要意识和努力。
It takes hard work and awareness to forge a true platonic bond.
我最近发表了一篇文章——为什么男女之间不能存在纯粹的朋友关系,我对它所带来的慷慨激昂的评论的数量感到惊讶。冒着被进一步推回去的风险,我认为我要详细解释一下这个话题,并且对除了两性之间的吸引之外的真正的、异性的、性别之间的友谊怎样才能存在提一些建议。
I was surprised at the number of impassioned comments my recent post ("Why Men and Women Can't be ‘Just Friends'") generated. At the risk of getting further push back, I thought I would elaborate on that theme and suggest how true, heterosexual, inter-gender friendships can (and do) exist despite sexual attraction.
首先,就像在我的博客里之前建议的那样,我非常强烈的认为,如果异性朋友关系中的男女之间的一方对另一方有很明确的性欲望,那么异性之间很难有纯洁的友谊关系。这很简单,因为只是朋友关系的人是不会想与他的朋友发生性关系。正如我将要在下面进行概述的那样,这需要我们的努力,以及对如果一个人越过了柏拉图式亲密关系的界线可能产生的破坏性的结果有一个清楚的意识。
First, as I suggested in my previous blog, I feel strongly that heterosexual men and women will find it very difficult to be "just friends" if either has a significant sexual desire for the other simply because people who are just friends do not want to have sex with each other. As I will outline below, it takes hard work and clear awareness of probable destructive outcomes if one transcends the boundary of a close but true platonic bond.
另外,我坚定地站在男性的“性反应”现象是生活中非常真实的事实这一边。强烈反对这一现实的异性恋的男人,他要么是在深深的否定这一点,要么是他的睾丸素低得吓人。任何不同意这一点的异性恋的女人,要么是幼稚、健忘,要么是悲观,没有足够的吸引力刺激到大多数男人有性反应。对不起,但这确实是真的。
Moreover, I firmly stand by the male "sexual reflex" phenomenon as a very real fact of life. Any heterosexual man who argues against this reality is either in deep denial or has a frighteningly low testosterone level. Any heterosexual woman who disagrees is either very naïve, oblivious, or, sadly, not attractive enough to stimulate most men's sexual reflex. Sorry, but it's true.
好吧,既然我已经进入了另一个我自己制造的看得见的谣言中,那么我给出了一些建立纯洁的、异性间的、男女的友谊的方法。
Okay, now that I've probably walked into another buzz saw of my own making here's the formula for unsullied, heterosexual, male/female friendship.
没有性的吸引:问题解决了。如果朋友关系中的任何人对另一方都没有性吸引,那么这个关系会依赖于真正友谊的坚实基础,这种真正的友谊基于标准的(非性的)兼容性区域。当然,俗话说的“熟悉导致亲密”可能会发挥作用,随着时间的推移,感觉和欲望都可能发生改变。如果这种情况发生了,下面这些就需要被考虑到:
No sexual attraction: Problem solved. If neither member of the friendship has sexual attraction for the other the relationship can rest on a firm foundation of genuine friendship based on the standard (non-sexual) zones of compatibility. Of course, the old saying "Familiarity leads to intimacy" may play out and over time feelings and desires might change. If that's the case then the following must be considered:
诚实的接受:性吸引力必须要被承认(没有这个家伙,你就不必非去谈论它),甚至单纯的性暗示或影射所造成的“滑坡”你也必须作为一个非常现实的事实接受它。正像我经常告诉我的患者的那样,“你的大脑和心将会伴随着你的步伐”,从而将行为治疗的基石提炼成一个简单而强大的真理。这意味着行动强烈地塑造着人的思维和感觉,怎样的行为就有怎样的想法和感受。这样,如果一个男人和一个女人都是以朋友相待,后来对对方表现的更加深情了,那么就要小心了!
Honest acceptance: Sexual attraction must be acknowledged (no guys, you don't have to talk about it) and the "slippery slope" of even innocent sexual suggestions or innuendos must be accepted as a very real fact. As I often tell my therapy clients, "Your head and heart will follow your feet" thus distilling the cornerstone of behavior therapy into a simple but powerful truism. This means that action powerfully shapes thoughts and feelings and how one acts so shall one think and feel. Thus, if a man and a woman are on friendly terms and then start to act more affectionately toward each other, watch out!
控制冲动:只是因为一个男人发现一个女人有性的吸引力(这种吸引力在他看她的第一眼就出现了)并不意味着他会自然地按照他的欲望行动。确实,大多数男人有很好的控制冲动的能力,使这种冲动受到抑制。更何况,大多数男人可以超越性欲而活动,可以进行社交性的恰当的回答而没有完全着迷于详细的无休止的性幻想。(记下我说的“无休止的”。)顺便说一句,考虑一下酒精的放纵作用,以及她是怎样影响人们的控制冲动的能力的,可以吗?
Impulse control: Just because a man finds a woman sexually appealing (which he'll usually determine within the first second of seeing her) doesn't mean he will automatically act on his desires. Indeed, most men have excellent impulse control and keep their urges in check. What's more, most men can move beyond their sexual desire and engage in socially appropriate repartee without being totally consumed by detailed, ceaseless sexual fantasizing. (Note I said "ceaseless.") As an aside, consider the disinhibiting effect of alcohol and how it affects people's impulse control, right?
现实验证:大多数人都明白他们的行为会产生一定的后果。如果人们对现实有一个好的验证,他们就可以预测他们的行为将会产生的最可能的结果。如果他或她靠性冲动来做事,他或她就会冒着产生很坏的结果的风险。(比如:拒绝,关系破裂,离婚,诉讼,刑事起诉等)。因此,即使面对很强烈的性吸引,大多数人都会充分做出适应社会的思考、幻想和想象,而不是按他们绝大多数的性冲动而行动。
Reality testing: Most people understand that there are consequences to their actions. When people have good reality testing, they can predict the most probable outcomes their behavior will produce. If a person acts on his or her sexual urges inappropriately he or she runs the risk of very bad outcomes (e.g., rejection, a ruptured relationship, divorce, law suits, criminal prosecution, etc.). Hence, even in the face of strong sexual attraction, most people have been socialized sufficiently to think, fantasize and imagine, but not to act on the vast majority of their sexual urges.
界线:即使在相互的性吸引中,如果用来界定无性关系的界线被尊重的话,男女之间仍可以做朋友。这样,他们就不应该调情,或者做一些与同性朋友不会做的一些身体接触的事。同样地,他们也不应该私下做一些在公开场合不愿意做的事情(在他们的恋人面前)。
Boundaries: Even in the midst of mutual sexual attraction, men and women can stay friends if the boundaries that define non-sexual relationships are respected. Thus, they shouldn't flirt, or do anything physical they wouldn't do with same gendered friends. Similarly, they should not engage in any behavior privately that they would be reluctant to do publicly (i.e., in front of their romantic partners).
所以,如果一男一女用正确的要素去发展友谊的话(相容性、相似的兴趣、共享一起度过的时间的各种领域),如果老实地理解性吸引力的力量,训练自己的控制冲动的能力,有好的对现实的验证,以及对真正的柏拉图式的亲密界线的尊重,他们确实可以做朋友。
So, if a man and a woman have the right ingredients to develop a friendship (i.e., various areas of compatibility, similar interests, mutual enjoyment of time spent together) they can indeed be friends if they honestly understand the power of sexual gravity, exercise impulse control, have good reality testing, and respect the boundaries of true platonic intimacy.
记住:要三思,行为要好,感觉要好,这样就好了!
Remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well!
标签:男女 朋友
121
2010-10-11 22:38 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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