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尊重孩子

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当年,在我接受培训,准备成为一名教师的时候,我曾经被一位讲师的话所深深触动。这句话是:不管我们学了什么关于教学的内容,其实,我们所能运用的最强大的模型就是,如何教导自己。这,也适用于为人父母之道。
While I was training to become a teacher I was struck by a lecturer’s remark that no matter what we learned about teaching practice, the most powerful model we would use was how we ourselves were taught. This also applies to parenting.
如果我们在孩童时期就经受过虐待,那可能出现的情况就是,无论我们怎样关怀爱护自己的子女,那些因由被虐待而压抑着深层痛苦,还是会在某些不经意的时刻,爆发出来,吓到我们的孩子,也吓到自己。然而,谁该为此负责呢?我们应该责备我们的父母么,他们在小时候可能也是同样的受害者?那么是我们父母的父母?或者再往前追溯?我想,如果一直沉浸在问责中不可自拔,它会妨碍我们找到家庭虐待中包含的深层次原因,事情也不会有有效的改变。
If we were abused as children, it is likely that no matter how caring we are with our own children, repressed pain from abuse can break loose under stress in unguarded moments to terrify and confuse not only our children, but also ourselves. Yet, who do we blame? Do we blame parents who were probably victims of abuse themselves? Their parents? Or the parents before them? I believe that no effective change can be made when blame is present because it stops us from looking at the underlying causes of abuse.
虽然我们专注于这些实施身体上(和性)虐待的施暴者,并寻求将他们绳之以法,我们却容易忽略其它一些并不那么明显的暴力行为,而这些行为却能留下挥之不去的创伤,甚至永远都无法愈合。
While we focus on the perpetrators of physical (and sexual) abuse and seek to bring them to justice, we ignore other forms of abuse that may be less obvious, but nevertheless leave long-lasting wounds that may never heal.
下面,让我举出一些实际的例子,以及它们所造成的伤害:
Some examples of this abuse and the harm it causes:
辱骂孩子可以毁掉他们的自尊心和自信心,并消减他们的自我认同价值感。
Verbally abusing a child can strip away their self-esteem and confidence, and erode their sense of self-worth.
收回对孩子的爱,用这种方法去逼迫孩子做我们希望他们做的事情。这样会导致他们发展出一种害怕被遗弃的恐惧感,同时也可能把他们转变成一个'取悦者',由此去获得爱与认同。
Withdrawing love as a way of getting a child to do what we want him or her to do can develop into a fear of being abandoned and/or turn a child into a ‘people pleaser’ in order to gain love and acceptance.
禁止孩子表达他们的愤怒或其他的情绪,这可能引发孩子成年后的一系列与人际关系相关的问题。
Not allowing children to express their anger or other feelings can cause ongoing problems in adult relationships.
把孩子当做配偶的替代品,这样父母中某一个便把他们自己的问题强压在孩子身上,并寻求孩子们的情感支持。在这样的氛围中,可能创造出'特殊儿童',成年后他们会发展出焦虑症和人格障碍。
Treating a child as a surrogate ‘spouse’ where a parent burdens them with their problems and seeks their emotional support can create ‘special children’ who later develop anxiety and personality disorders.
当婚姻破裂后,夫妻双方在法庭混战不休,争夺孩子的抚养权。由此,剥夺了他们作为人个体的本性,将他们当作财产对待,对他们的个人情感也没有尊重。
Fighting over children in a court of law after a marriage breakdown robs them of their humanity when they are treated as possessions with no respect for their feelings.
对孩子过于拔苗助长,以至于他们失去学习的热情,反而把他们变成低成就者。
Pushing children to achieve can turn them into underachievers who lose their love of learning.
父母把自己未实现的梦想寄托在孩子身上,让他们失去了自我。
Parents wanting their children to live out their own unfulfilled dreams deny them the opportunity to live life for themselves.
我们常见的一个误区就是,认为孩子具有灵活性,能自我调节。但是,实际上他们并不具备情绪调节的能力,可以去平复成年人对其虐待造成的伤害,他们抑制自己的情感,作为第一道防线。但是,这些压制住的情感往往成为他们不必要的心灵包袱,让他们充分发挥自己的潜力,同时也剥夺了他们幸福,平和和快乐的权利。
One of our common misconceptions is that children are resilient. However, because they don’t have the emotional tools to integrate the hurt caused by abusive adults, they often suppress their feelings as the first line of defence. But suppressed feelings get carried around with them as unwanted baggage to prevent them from achieving their full potential, robbing them of happiness, peace, and joy.
从我自己作为一个辅导员的经历来讲,我发现,大多数家庭都存在受伤的孩子,而他们的家长却意识不到,或超出了他们的认知范围。如果父母不去抚平孩子们内心深处的创伤,那么这些孩子长大以后,往往都会用同样的方式去虐待自己的孩子。现今社会这也成为,在各种经济层面的家庭中,儿童遭受虐待的问题逐步升级成暴力事件的一个原因,从而影响到我们自己乃至全社会的安宁。
From my experiences as a counsellor I discovered that a wounded child exists within most parents – often unacknowledged or beyond their awareness. When parents do not heal this inner wounded child they can often abuse their own children in the same way they themselves were abused. This is one of the reasons our present child abuse problems escalate into increased violence within our society on all socio-economic levels, taking us further away from the ability to experience peace within ourselves and our society.
孩子大脑的功能默认设置通常在他们4岁的时候就已基本完成。然而,虐待加无知型的父母对于孩子的自我价值观以及自尊心的伤害,需要用一辈子的时间去修复。通常,这都会造成一个人的不快乐的人生,而这往往都可以追根溯源到,童年与父母破裂的感情关系上去。
The default settings of a child’s brain are mostly programmed by the time they are four. However, it can take a lifetime to undo the damage done to a child’s self-worth and self-esteem from ignorant and abusive parenting. Too often the outcome is lifelong unhappiness within a trail of broken relationships.
彻底治愈痛苦的机会还是在童年,父母可以学会对他们的孩子承受的痛苦感同身受。每个人心里都住着一个孩子,只有当我们学会关心爱护内心深处的自己时,我们才能够更好地爱护和关心我们的孩子,请把他们当做人类个体,给予他们应该得到的尊重。伴随着一个积极,充满爱心和信心的人生开端,孩子们更能够走出自己的小世界,融入大世界,以达到他们的最大潜能,实现自己的梦想。
By healing the pain buried within childhood, parents can learn to empathise with the pain their children suffer. As we learn to love and care for the child within ourselves, we are better able to love and care for our children and treat them with the respect they deserve as fellow human beings. With a positive, loving and affirming start in life, children are more able to go out into the world to reach their highest potential and achieve their dreams.
标签:孩子 尊重
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2010-08-27 22:04 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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