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社会新现象:“蜗婚”离婚不分家

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面对节节高升的房价压力,离婚的“80后”们宁可选择蜗居在一处也不分道扬镳,这类“80后”自嘲为蜗婚族。不管是为了贪图高房价迟迟不肯卖掉房子分道扬镳,还是个人无力承担另买房子的重担……总之,房子已经成了蜗婚族的借口,也成了许多80后无奈的选择。据有关数据统计,目前80后蜗婚族已经占到了一成多,“离婚不离家”正在被越来越多的80后离婚群所接纳。那么,离婚后同住一个屋檐下怎样才能相安无事呢?蜗婚是否会使两人走向复婚呢?来看看国外这几对儿蜗婚族吧。

After years of arguments and tension, Steve and Diana finally decided to separate. Their mortgage situation, however, meant they were stuck with each other until the stale property market revived. So they came up with a peculiar solution – one week Steve would live in their house while Diana slept on a friend's sofa. The next week, they would swap. The plan unravelled when Steve fell out with his friend and ended up sleeping in his car. Angela Lake-Carroll, an independent family law consultant who advised the couple (their names have been changed), says such situations are far from unusual. She has also dealt with couples who divide a house into upstairs and downstairs with a rigid timetable for kitchen and bathroom use.

在维持了多年争吵不断的紧张关系后,史蒂夫和戴安娜(均为化名)终于决定离婚了。但是,他们按揭贷款的状况意味着,在低迷的房地产市场复活之前,他们无法彻底分开。因此,他们想出了一个独特的解决方案——某一周史蒂夫会住在他们的房子里,而戴安娜则睡在朋友的沙发上;下一周,他们再互换角色。当史蒂夫和他的朋友闹翻,最终在他的汽车里安家之后,这对夫妇的问题才得以解决。为他们提供咨询的家庭法律独立顾问安格拉•莱克·卡罗尔说,这种情况远算不上异乎寻常。她还服务过这样一对夫妻:两人分居于楼上、楼下,就厨房和浴室的使用制定了严格的时间表。

Money problems brought on by the economic downturn and a volatile housing market have forced increasing numbers of couples to live separate lives under the same roof. Jonathan Moore, UK and Ireland country manager at Easyroommate.co.uk, a website for individuals wanting to find a flatmate or houseshare, says: "Relationships don't always work out but the recession is preventing even more couples from making a clean break when they split up. Difficulties in selling houses, negative equity and not being able to afford to move out are forcing more people to carry on living with their exes. Unfortunately, those same financial stresses that make the break-up process so difficult are often a key reason for the break-up."

由于经济衰退和住房市场动荡,资金问题已迫使越来越多的夫妇在同一屋檐下过着离婚生活。Easyroommate.co.uk负责英国和爱尔兰业务的经理乔纳森·穆尔说:“夫妻情分并不总能让人藕断丝连,但经济衰退正在阻止更多夫妻在离婚时彻底决绝。房屋难于脱手、负资产以及没有足够经济能力搬出去等,正迫使更多的人继续同自己的前任配偶生活在一起。不幸的是,让离婚过程如此艰难的财务压力,往往正是夫妻离异的主要原因。”Easyroommate网站服务于那些寻找合租和合买房屋伙伴的个人客户。

Jonathan Alpert, a New York-based psychotherapist, has seen many more couples living together "due to financial worries, who ordinarily would have been in a divorce court. They are in a bind of sorts. They can't make mortgage and rent payments solo, yet can't stay married happily. They feel it's easier to deal with the psychological cost than the financial cost."

纽约心理医生乔纳森·阿尔珀特注意到,更多的夫妇“由于经济上的忧虑”而生活在一起,“而通常他们本应出现在离婚法庭上。他们受到各种各样的约束。他们不能独自办理抵押贷款或支付租金,但也不能维持幸福的婚姻。他们觉得心理咨询成本比财务成本更容易应对。”

David Hollingworth, of London and Country Mortgages, says one of the key problems for couples wanting to live apart is the inflexibility of mortgage providers. "Even if you're not in negative equity, your options will be limited if you can't get a good return on selling your home. It used to be that [UK] providers could lend 120 per cent of the value of a property but those products are no longer available." Before the financial crisis, he says, "there were very innovative products" that could help partners to buy out their ex of their shared home but now the focus is on low risk.

London and Country Mortgages公司的大卫·霍林沃思说,对希望分手的夫妻来说,关键问题之一就是抵押贷款提供商的僵化做法。“即使你没有变成负资产,如果你卖掉房子不能取得可观的回报,那你的选择也将是有限的。过去(英国)抵押贷款供应商可以贷出相当于物业价值120%额度的贷款,但如今这些产品都没有了。”在金融危机之前,他说,“市场上有着高度创新的产品”,可以帮助夫妻一方买断前任配偶对共有房屋的产权,但现在,市场最注重的是低风险。

Even when a split is amicable, living apart under the same roof is not straightforward. George Bonham (not his real name), a former banker who lives in Bournemouth, south England, and is working on starting his own business, says there was no acrimony between him and his ex but the housing market created problems. In March 2008 they put their two-bedroom property on the market and decided to continue to live together until they found a buyer. Despite having on average two viewings per week from prospective buyers, they still have not had an offer.

即使在友好分手后,生活在同一屋檐下也并非易事。曾是银行家的乔治·博纳姆(化名)住在英国南部的伯恩茅斯,正设法自行创业。他表示,他与前妻并未发生争吵,但住房市场造成了问题。2008年3月,他们将两人共有的两居室房子在市场上挂牌出售,并决定在找到买主之前仍居住在一起。尽管平均每周有两批潜在买家前来看房,但他们迄今仍未接到购买报价。

The situation has caused difficulties, says 32-year-old Bonham. "Problems snowball and you have to constantly adapt to new situations." Chiefly, new partners. "Three months after we split up, I found a new love interest. My ex and I had to create some ground rules quickly. We established we wouldn't bring partners back as it was too fresh and emotional. We were both reasonable and once that was agreed, we behaved in a respectful way." Nonetheless, his new partner did have concerns about him living with his ex: "My relationship swiftly ended because of my living arrangements," he says.

32岁的博纳姆表示,这种状况带来了难题。“问题像滚雪球一样越积越多,你必须不断适应新的情况。”首先是新配偶的问题。“我们分手3个月后,我找到了一个新恋人。我和前妻不得不很快制定了一些基本规则。我们商定,不要将各自的配偶带回家,因为那实在是太匪夷所思、太刺激对方了。我们都是理性的人,一旦商定,我们就展现出对彼此的尊重。”不过,他的新恋人确实在意他与前妻生活在一起的情况。“因为我的居住状况,我们的恋爱关系很快就结束了,”博纳姆说。

Even food shopping required renegotiation, he says. "When we were together she used to cook and do the shopping, and continued to after the split. I didn't try to change things – why would I? But when she started seeing someone else, she decided to stop." Despite continued friendship with his ex, he would not suggest others follow his example. "I would advise anyone in my situation to move out of a shared property, rent it out, split the rental income and make your own arrangements."

即使是购买食品也需要重新谈判,他说。“我们离婚前,常常是她做饭和购物,离婚后也是如此。我没有试图改变什么 ——为什么要改变?但是,当她开始考虑其他配偶人选后,她决定不这样了。”尽管与前妻相处友好,但他不建议别人以他为榜样。“我会建议像我这种情况的人搬出共有房屋,将之租出去,然后分割租金收入,自行安排自己的生活。”

But if you see no alternative to living together, Bonham says ground rules are essential. If necessary, remarks Lake-Carroll, it might be worth involving another person – a friend, family member or a professional family mediator. "When people get caught up in a crisis they become paralysed and lose perspective. They can behave in very peculiar ways."

但如果你除了一起生活外没有其它选择,博纳姆说,那定一些基本规则就是必不可少的。莱克·卡罗尔认为,必要情况下,邀请另一个人介入可能值得一试,朋友、家人或专业的家庭调解员皆可。“当人们陷入危机,思维就容易僵化,看问题容易钻牛角尖,行事方式可能非常怪异。”

Alpert has helped many couples in this situation work out how to cope – "how to bring dates home, handle expenses and simply cohabitate, given the stress of the relationship." Nonetheless, he says, there are cases "where trouble looms [in spite of the ground rules] due to resentment, usually when the relationship ended in a way that one person feels is unfair. If a couple agrees not to bring other people home, then that may lead to resentment. Further, if someone doesn't come home at night, it raises suspicion and leads to trouble." Lake-Carroll advises people in this situation to "make space for themselves – go on short breaks or days out with friends."

阿尔珀特曾为很多处于这一境地的夫妻提供应对建议——“如何在家里约会、处理费用问题,或(鉴于男女关系的压力)仅仅同居的问题。”不过,他说,在某些情况下,“(虽然制定了基本规则,)但由于怨恨情绪,问题还是会出现,这通常出现在夫妻关系以某一方感觉不公平的方式结束之时。如果一对夫妇商定不带其他人回家,这就可能导致另一方不满。此外,如果有人晚上不回家,那就会引起另一方的怀疑,从而导致许多问题。”莱克·卡罗尔建议面临此种情况的人“为自己制造一些空间——短暂休息一段时间,或与朋友外出游玩几天。”

Nicholas Rose, a psychotherapist based in London, adds that rules continually need to be revised. "A couple will only become fully aware of how easy or difficult the restructured relationship is once they try." He suggests establishing a trial period and a date for review. One couple he worked with agreed "they would fully review [the situation] once the incentive period of their mortgage came to an end, when they would be free of any financial penalties and theoretically in a position to sell and buy separately." This couple has successfully managed to live together for more than two-and-a-half years.

伦敦心理医生尼古拉斯·罗斯补充说,规则需要不断加以修订。“只有尝试了,夫妇才会充分认识到重组后的相处关系是怎样的难易。”他建议设定一段试行期,并确定一个重新评估日期。他为之工作的一对夫妇就商定:“一旦按揭贷款的激励期结束,他们将全面重估(相关状况)。激励期结束后,他们将不再受制于财务惩罚条款,理论上已经可以分别出售和购买房屋。”这对夫妻已成功地共同生活了两年半以上。

The key, says Lake-Carroll, is that couples need to "work out how to make the atmosphere and situation bearable for themselves and the children. No recession lasts for ever. Eventually, the market adapts and finds innovative solutions."

莱克·卡罗尔表示,关键在于,夫妻需要“设法让家里的气氛可以让自己和子女能够忍受。经济衰退不会永远持续下去。市场最终会适应新的形势并找到创新的解决方案。”

Some couples, she says, have found more suitable properties through house swaps, either through traditional estate agents offering such a service or via dedicated sites such as Homeswapper4sale.co.uk. Home swapping, traditionally a way to find temporary accommodation for holidays (by exchanging properties in different countries), is now being used to help initiate sales by matching the homes of people who want to trade up or down but are unable to sell in a normal chain because of stale market conditions.

她说,一些夫妇通过房屋交换,找到了更合适的房子,既可以通过提供这项服务的传统房产代理,也可通过Homeswapper4sale.co.uk等专门的网站寻找。传统上,房屋交换是一种为假日寻找临时居所的方式(通过交换在不同国家的房子来实现),现在它正被用来帮助那些想换好一点或差一点房子的人来配对,以促进销售。由于市场状况不景气,这些人往往很难通过正常途径卖掉房子。

For those couples who sell their property using the traditional route, the process can still be fraught with tension, according to Phil Tennant, regional sales director for central and south-west London at Hamptons International. "The hardest job is to sell a property when the split is acrimonious – you have to have two conversations, as they never agree. We joke we should get a higher percentage when couples are divorcing because it's twice as much work. We could get 100 viewings, 10 offers and none are acceptable."

对于那些通过传统途径出售房子的夫妇,交易过程可能仍充满紧张气氛,汉普顿国际伦敦中部和西南区销售主管菲尔·特南特说。“如果房主夫妇的离异气氛糟糕,那么出售其共有房屋将是最艰难的一件事,你必须与两个人谈话,因为他们的意见从来都不一致。我们开玩笑说,如果房主夫妇正在离婚,那么我们应该得到较高的佣金比例,因为这样的工作量是平时的两倍。可能会有100个客户看房,10个客户给出报价,最终没有一个报价可以接受。”

This is why Lake-Carroll suggests looking at an ex-partner "as someone you don't get on with at work – most of us don't have the luxury of treating a co-worker in an unreasonable manner, so get on with it."

正因如此,莱克·卡罗尔建议,将前配偶看作“你在工作中与之相处不好的人,很显然,我们大多数人都没有条件以一种不切实际的方式对待一位同事,因此,我们还是效率优先吧。”

If this sounds grim, Alpert offers hope for a romantic ending: "I've had several couples on the brink of divorce and living as roommates rekindle the passion and go on to have a very healthy marriage."

如果觉得这听起来很残酷,阿尔珀特的说法则让人看到了浪漫分手的希望所在:“我有好几对客户夫妻处于离婚边缘,但在室友一样的共同生活中重新燃起了热情,然后过上了非常健康的婚姻生活。”

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2010-04-18 13:46 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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  • Guest 说:

    long

    2010-04-20 20:16 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 沙发
  • Guest 说:

    好多翻译错误呢... romantic ending 意思是浪漫的结尾(重归于好),而不是浪漫分手.

    2010-04-26 17:26 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 板凳
  • Guest 说:

    living as roommates rekindle the passion and go on to have a very healthy marriage, I dont think so

    2010-04-26 22:15 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 地板
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