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对付婚姻危机,无招胜有招

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事情总是来得那么出其不意,一天美国蒙大拿州作家劳拉·曼森的丈夫突然告诉她,他已经厌倦了这样的夫妻生活,分手是最好的解脱,因为他已经不再爱她了。没有想象中的雷霆震怒,也没有痛苦的悲苦哀求,她只是平静的说她不同意,她会暂时远离他的生活,让他整理好思绪慎重考虑一下这件事情。四个月的煎熬终于过去,所有中年危机的尘嚣弥散后,他终于回心转意,像游行浪子一样回到了向他敞开大门的家。曼森在《纽约时报》上倾诉了她的这段情感波折后,无数人向她恳求“背后的真经”,就在她新书《这不是你认为的故事》(This Is Not the Story You Think It Is)中,她向读者们道破了其中的玄机。在与《纽约时报》的“面对面”中,曼森诉说了在这场婚姻拉锯战中,为何“束己于高阁之上,任君自生自灭”的方式却挽救了濒临破灭的婚姻,使她的兰心蕙质终成正果。
Out of the blue, Montana writer Laura Munson's husband told her he wanted to leave, that he didn't love her. She calmly replied that she didn't buy it, sat back and let him figure it out. Four months later, following all the signs of a midlife crisis, he changed his mind and returned home. After Munson wrote about her story in the New York Times, she was inundated with requests for her secrets, which she reveals in her new book This Is Not the Story You Think It Is. Munson spoke to TIME about how she saved her marriage — and her sanity — by refusing to be her husband's problem.
爱人突然走到你身边说,他不再爱你的,从今往后,你们的生命轨迹将永远只是两条平行的直线。这样的场景对许多人来说无疑是晴天霹雳。但是在您的书中,我们感受到的确是宁静祥和的幸福人生。请您解释一下这是为什么。
Your spouse comes to you and says he doesn't love you anymore and thinks he never did. This is many people's nightmare. But your book is about happiness. Explain.
生命之中最为焦心劳思的事情之一莫过于我爱的人却不爱我了。但对我而言,我深深了解这个与我同床共枕多年的男人。在内心深处,我真的认为这是他陷入自我和心灵危机的一次发泄。我觉得,无论结局如何,都必须先脱离他的生活,给他一个缓和的空间,让他自己走出这片荆棘。婚姻起起伏伏,亦是常事。危机之时,学会耐心的守候,严冬过后迎来的很可能就是柳暗花明的春天。
One of the things we fear the most is being told we're unloved by the person we love. But I knew this man. I really saw this as a crisis of his own self and soul, and I felt like, regardless of the outcome, it was important to me to step out of his way and give him some room to work through this crisis. Marriage is about ebb and flow, and it felt important to practice some patience at that time.
如此说来,您处理这场婚姻危机的策略就是无为而治吗?
So is it accurate to say that your strategy for handling this situation was to do nothing?
纠正一下,这并非维系婚姻的伎俩。它是孕育幸福常青树的生命之泉。20多年来,多少人生坎坷令我愁肠百结苦不堪言,写作是我的挚爱,但直到如今我还有14部小说没有出版。那是一段段令人黯然神伤的退稿经历。我永远也忘不了那一天,父亲辞世之时一桩重要的出版合同也在最后关头折戟沉沙,那个最黯淡的人生时刻,我真的是形容枯槁肝肠寸断。在人生的交叉口上,我面临着选择:是继续沉沦,一蹶不振;还是顺时而动,做自己幸福的主人。在我的丈夫遭遇自己的滑铁卢前,我就一直秉承着这样的人生态度走过了数载春秋。
It was not a strategy to stay married. It was a philosophy to preserve my well-being. For 20 years, I've been in a lot of pain, because I love to write but I now have 14 unpublished novels. That's a lot of rejection. With the death of my father and a big publishing deal falling apart simultaneously at the last minute, that's when it really peaked. I was faced with a choice: I was going to let this take me down, or I was going to learn to base my happiness on something that was within my control. I'd been working with this philosophy for several years before my husband had his own crisis.
但是只是一味的等待隐忍吗?丈夫不回家。他也不打电话。甚至你根本就不知道他在哪?这样你还会保持平和的好心态吗?
But wait — the guy doesn't come home. He doesn't call. You have no idea where he is. And you're fine with that?
当然不会。在我的书中,你会欣赏到当时内心涌动的各种狂躁情绪。说实话,泰然处之实在有违我的本性。之所以如此,只是因为我意识到如果我真情演绎了这样的闹剧,带来只会是更多的痛楚。我们生活在一个充满压抑的社会,物竞天择的思想让我们相信唯有争吵抗争才能显出自身的强势。我认为这样的行径实在令人羞愧。
I wasn't fine. In the book you see all sorts of inner tantrums I'm having. It wasn't that I was fine with it. It was just that I realized that if I engaged in the drama, there would be more pain. And we live in such a reactionary society that we think, in order to be powerful, we need to fight. I think that's a shame.
您在《纽约时报》为这段感情经历写了一个专栏,读者反应空前强烈。为此您是否感到惊讶?
You wrote a column about this time in the New York Times, and the reaction to it was nuts. Were you surprised?
喔,确实如此。二十多年的写作生涯,我一直默默无闻,而就在我写了一个短篇的回忆录后,突然之间我收到了世界各地读者铺天盖地的来信。故事出版的当天早晨,只有三人点击过我的博客点。然而快到午夜12点的时候,我的博客点击量竟达到了3,000。在来信的人中,有驻扎在伊拉克的军人,有在临床心理医生推荐下阅读这篇短文的黎巴嫩妇女,还有为数众多的澳大利亚热心读者。读者中有基督徒、无神论者、穆斯林信徒、犹太教徒和大量的佛教徒。我收到了许多已婚人士的来信,但令我大为惊奇的是,许多单身者也向我伸出了求助的“橄榄枝”,这些人中有老有少,有同性恋者也有异性恋者,在信中他们抒露了自己的无奈“你要知道,我与我的老板就是这种关系。”
Oh, yes. Twenty years in total obscurity as a writer, then I write the short version of a memoir and suddenly I heard from people all over the globe. I had three clicks on my blogs the morning the story came out. By the end of the day, I had 3,000. I heard from soldiers deployed in Iraq, a woman in Lebanon whose therapist gave her the essay, and lots of people from Australia. Christians, atheists, Muslims, Jews — and Buddhists, lots of Buddhists. I heard from a lot of married people, but surprisingly enough, I heard a lot of unmarried people — old, young, gay, straight — saying, "You know, I have this relationship with my boss."
您这样的放纵丈夫,难道不就是在滋长的他的气焰,让他肆无忌惮,作威作福吗?
Did anyone suggest you were just letting your husband walk all over you?
不可否认某种程度上是有那么一点。但对此我的回应是,还有什么比按直觉行事更为有效的武器呢?逃避现实无异于自欺欺人。直面生活活在当下才是自由的人生。
Some. But my response to that is, What's more powerful than going by instinct? Being in denial is having your head in the sand. Having your head in the moment is freedom.
在所有这一切发生以前,你们夫妇二人的职业生涯并不成功。您的故事是否告诉我们,夫妻各自理想的破灭就意味着婚姻的坟墓呢?
Neither of you were having much success in your careers when this all blew up. Is your story about the toll that is taken when our dreams die?
我认为如果将职业成功作为幸福的源泉,无疑是为自己挖下了致命的陷阱,但很不幸我们中很多人正是这样做的。就我们二人来讲,我们既不坚信“幸福永驻”的神话,也不是“生命唯你”的忠实拥趸。我们永远只是走到一起的两个独立个体。但说真的,职场的境遇确实左右了我们的心智。我想这也是文章引起那么多人共鸣的另一原因。在当前的经济形势下,许多人因为事业的失败,使得婚姻生活蒙受了一次次的打击。不过话说过来,如果当时我放弃了我的事业和我的婚姻,却不知何时所有这一切才能重新开始,真的会有意思吗?现在我们的婚姻仍在延续。我出了一本书,他也在绿色环保建筑行业找到了一份不错的新工作,这不他刚刚踏上了自己的又一职业之旅。
I think it's a lethal equation when you base your happiness on career success, which is what we did. Neither of us ever signed up for the happily-ever-after myth or the you-complete-me idea. We were always independent people coming together. But both us really were driven in our careers. That's another reason I think so many people responded to that essay. In our current economy, so many people's relationships are taking hits because of career failure. Isn't it interesting that the minute I let go of my career and of my marriage, that that's when all this abundance started? Our marriage is working. I've got a book, and he's got this great new job he's just starting in the green-building industry.
您把这一切告诉给孩子们了吗?
What have you said to your kids about all this?
我们没有对孩子刻意隐瞒什么?父母也是人。就像在一些婚姻关系中一样,夫妻经历了感情危机,结果却还是破镜重圆。我很自豪的一点是,孩子们由此开始检讨自己以及周边人的婚姻关系,他们最终明白了,危机出现时,为此惊慌失措没有任何意义,坦然面对才是解决问题的真谛。你不必把一切揽在自己身上,就算真的是个人问题也无须如此。
We're not selling myths to our children. Parents are people too. Just like in any relationship, you go through a crisis, and you don't let it take you down. I'm proud that they get to go into their relationships with themselves and anyone else knowing that when a crisis happens, you don't have to panic. You don't have to take it personally, even if it's meant personally.
所以挽救婚姻的另一个关键就是,不要“大包大揽”。
So that's another key — not taking things personally.
有两件事需要谨记。一件事是,万物都滋生在危机的土壤之中。另一件事是,如果你了解某些人并且已经和他们相处了很长一段时间,您应该知道哪些事该做,哪些不该做,就算是你听到最坏的噩耗,你也该如此应对。
There's two things. One, people say all kinds of things in crisis. And the other thing is that when you know someone and you've been with them a long time, you know what to take at face value and what not to, even when you hear the worst.
但是面对濒临决裂的婚姻,您不认为应出去喝上几杯然后深夜方归发泄一下吗?
But seriously, sometimes didn't you think you should just go drinking and staying out late as payback?
那个难耐的夏天,我并没有把自己当成一个悲愁哀怨的可怜宝宝。利用这段时间我更多地关爱了一下自己。真的太令人吃惊了,我从未想过痛楚之中竟也孕育着如此美丽的人生。
It wasn't like I was poor, pitiful Pearl that summer. I took a lot of care of myself. It's amazing how much beauty can be found in pain.
标签:婚姻
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2010-04-15 19:04 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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    2010-04-22 15:37 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 沙发
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    2010-04-22 15:38 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 板凳
  • Guest 说:

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    2010-04-22 15:38 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 地板
  • Guest 说:

    原帖由Guest于2010-04-22 15:38:10发表
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    2010-04-26 15:22 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 4 楼
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