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孩子,听话才爱你

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五十多年前,心理学家卡尔·罗杰斯认为,我们仅仅爱孩子是不够的。爱还必须是无条件的,他说 — 爱其人,而非其所为。
More than 50 years ago, the psychologist Carl Rogers suggested that simply loving our children wasn’t enough. We have to love them unconditionally, he said — for who they are, not for what they do.
作为父亲,我知道这一要求是非常难做到的,但现在它变得更具挑战性,因为有专家现在又给出了大量与罗杰斯观点相反的建议。实际上,这些建议是要父母条件的养育孩子,也就是说:当他们乖时就显示对他们的爱,反之则不要展示对他们的爱。
As a father, I know this is a tall order, but it becomes even more challenging now that so much of the advice we are given amounts to exactly the opposite. In effect, we’re given tips in conditional parenting, which comes in two flavors: turn up the affection when they’re good, withhold affection when they’re not.
因此,谈话节目主持人菲尔·麦格劳在他的著作《家庭第一》中告诉我们,对孩子的需求或喜好不应无条件的满足,而应该是奖惩分明以便他们“按照你的意愿来做。”并且,“对孩子来说最强大的传播信息之一,”他补充说,“就是家长的认可和接受。
Thus, the talk show host Phil McGraw tells us in his book “Family First” (Free Press, 2004) that what children need or enjoy should be offered contingently, turned into rewards to be doled out or withheld so they “behave according to your wishes.” And “one of the most powerful currencies for a child,” he adds, “is the parents’ acceptance and approval.”
同样,电视真人秀“超级保姆”的乔·弗罗斯特在她与其电视节目同名的书中写道:“对孩子的最好回报是对其关注,表扬和关爱,”然而当孩子表现不好时,则应该停止这些奖励,直到他们承认错误说对不起为止。
Likewise, Jo Frost of “Supernanny,” in her book of the same name (Hyperion, 2005), says, “The best rewards are attention, praise and love,” and these should be held back “when the child behaves badly until she says she is sorry,” at which point the love is turned back on.
不仅老派专制的家长会使用条件养育法。有些连做梦也不曾想到用打屁股的方式来教育孩子的人,也会选择使用强行隔离孩子的做法,这一策略我们更喜欢称之为:“暂停。”相反地,“正向增强”教育的方法告诉孩子,只有当他们按照我们认为是“好的行为”做时,我们才会爱他们并且他们也才是可爱的。
Conditional parenting isn’t limited to old-school authoritarians. Some people who wouldn’t dream of spanking choose instead to discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call “time out.” Conversely, “positive reinforcement” teaches children that they are loved, and lovable, only when they do whatever we decide is a “good job.”
这就提出了一个有趣的可能性,也就是说,对孩子用表扬方式教育存在的问题并不是仅像社会保守派坚信的那样,只会引起表扬方式错误或是表扬过多的问题,相反,它可能是类似于惩罚的另一形式的控制。任何形式的条件养育方法,所发出的基本信息就是 — 儿童必须赢得家长的爱。长期以往的话,罗杰斯警告说,孩子最终可能需要治疗师提供在他们需要时而没有得到的无条件接受的治疗。
This raises the intriguing possibility that the problem with praise isn’t that it is done the wrong way — or handed out too easily, as social conservatives insist. Rather, it might be just another method of control, analogous to punishment. The primary message of all types of conditional parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love. A steady diet of that, Rogers warned, and children might eventually need a therapist to provide the unconditional acceptance they didn’t get when it counted.
然而,罗杰斯是否正确呢?在回答这个问题之前,让我们先来观察一下研究人员提供的证据。
But was Rogers right? Before we toss out mainstream discipline, it would be nice to have some evidence. And now we do.
2004年,两名以色列研究人员,阿维·阿索尔和盖·罗斯,与美国资深动机心理学专家爱德华·德西合作,对100多名大学生进行了调查,询问他们在得到父母关爱时,是否取决于其学校成绩,苦练体育,关心他人,或能否控制愤怒及恐惧等情绪等因素。
In 2004, two Israeli researchers, Avi Assor and Guy Roth, joined Edward L. Deci, a leading American expert on the psychology of motivation, in asking more than 100 college students whether the love they had received from their parents had seemed to depend on whether they had succeeded in school, practiced hard for sports, been considerate toward others or suppressed emotions like anger and fear.
结果显示,受到条件认可养育的孩子确实更趋于按父母的意志行事。但是,这种遵守是要付出相当代价的。首先,这些孩子往往对自己的父母感到反感和厌恶。其次,他们倾向于说,他们行事往往更多的取决于一个“强大的内部压力”,而不是“一个真正意义上的选择。”此外,在他们做某事成功之后所感到的幸福通常是短暂的,之后往往会感到内疚和惭愧。
It turned out that children who received conditional approval were indeed somewhat more likely to act as the parent wanted. But compliance came at a steep price. First, these children tended to resent and dislike their parents. Second, they were apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice.” Moreover, their happiness after succeeding at something was usually short-lived, and they often felt guilty or ashamed.
在一相关的研究中,阿索尔博士和他的同事采访了一些成年孩子的母亲。在母亲这一代中,条件认可同样被证明具有伤害性。那些儿时感到只有不辜负父母的期望才能得到关爱的母亲和其他母亲相比,更会产生自卑感。然而,尽管受到这一负面影响,这些母亲更可能对自己的子女采用同样的条件认可养育方法。
In a companion study, Dr. Assor and his colleagues interviewed mothers of grown children. With this generation, too, conditional parenting proved damaging. Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults. Yet despite the negative effects, these mothers were more likely to use conditional affection with their own children.
今年七月,相同的上述研究人员,加入了德西博士的两位在罗切斯特大学的同事,在2004年的研究基础上进行了重复及扩展研究并发表了两篇论文。这次的调查对象是九年级学生,并对孩子按奖励和惩罚养育进行了谨慎的区分。
This July, the same researchers, now joined by two of Dr. Deci’s colleagues at the University of Rochester, published two replications and extensions of the 2004 study. This time the subjects were ninth graders, and this time giving more approval when children did what parents wanted was carefully distinguished from giving less when they did not.
研究发现,正负向条件的两种养育都是有害的,但在形式上略有不同。正向有时对促使孩子在学习上更加努力是有效的,但其负面影响是随之而来的不健康的“内部压力”感觉。负向条件养育甚至在短期内也根本不起作用,它只增加了青少年对其父母的负面情绪。
The studies found that both positive and negative conditional parenting were harmful, but in slightly different ways. The positive kind sometimes succeeded in getting children to work harder on academic tasks, but at the cost of unhealthy feelings of “internal compulsion.” Negative conditional parenting didn’t even work in the short run; it just increased the teenagers’ negative feelings about their parents.
这些和其它相关的研究告诉我们,用孩子做得对时给予表扬来替代孩子做错时给予惩罚的做法并无什么实际意义,两者都是条件养育的例子,并且都会得到适得其反的结果。
What these and other studies tell us, if we’re able to hear the news, is that praising children for doing something right isn’t a meaningful alternative to pulling back or punishing when they do something wrong. Both are examples of conditional parenting, and both are counterproductive.
儿童心理学家布鲁诺·贝特尔海姆承认,负向条件养育,也就是大家通常所说的暂停方法会导致孩子“感情的极度焦虑,”然而,正是由于这一原因他赞同这一方法。“当我们说话已不起作用时,”他说,“用威胁撤销我们对其爱和钟爱之情就是唯一合理的方法来强迫孩子按照我们的要求去做了。”
The child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim, who readily acknowledged that the version of negative conditional parenting known as time-out can cause “deep feelings of anxiety,” nevertheless endorsed it for that very reason. “When our words are not enough,” he said, “the threat of the withdrawal of our love and affection is the only sound method to impress on him that he had better conform to our request.”
但数据表明,撤销爱的办法对要求孩子顺从方面不是特别有效,对促进道德发展方面则效果更差。即便讲,我们用正向增强的方法确实成功地使儿童服从我们了,难道服从比造成孩子可能的长期心理伤害更重要吗?应该用父母的爱来作为控制子女的工具吗?
But the data suggest that love withdrawal isn’t particularly effective at getting compliance, much less at promoting moral development. Even if we did succeed in making children obey us, though — say, by using positive reinforcement — is obedience worth the possible long-term psychological harm? Should parental love be used as a tool for controlling children?
更深层的争论点也构成了另一种批评无条件关爱的基础。心理学分支社会学习理论之父阿尔伯特·班杜拉宣称,无条件的关爱“将使孩子迷失方向且相当不可爱,”他的这一断言完全得不到实验研究的支持。认为接受孩子的真实自我会造成孩子迷失方向和不可爱的想法,使我们看到了发出此种警告的人对人性的消极看法。
Deeper issues also underlie a different sort of criticism. Albert Bandura, the father of the branch of psychology known as social learning theory, declared that unconditional love “would make children directionless and quite unlovable” — an assertion entirely unsupported by empirical studies. The idea that children accepted for who they are would lack direction or appeal is most informative for what it tells us about the dark view of human nature held by those who issue such warnings.
在实践中,根据一份由德西博士等人收集的给人印象深刻的数据显示,家长和老师对孩子的无条件接受应伴随着“自主支持”:家长和老师要向孩子解释要求他们这么做的原因,最大限度给孩子参与决策的机会,家长和老师应鼓励但不操纵,并积极地从孩子的角度来想象和观察事物。
In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view.
最后几点对无条件养育法本身来说是相当重要的。我们大多数人会毫不犹豫的说,我们爱子女是没有任何附加条件的。但是,重要的是从孩子的角度是如何看的 — 当他们做的不好或搞得一团糟时,是否会觉得我们仍然同样爱他们。
The last of these features is important with respect to unconditional parenting itself. Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.
罗杰斯虽没这么说,但我敢打赌,如果对熟练的心理治疗师需求的减少意味着更多的人步入成年后由于已经感到了被无条件接受的缘故,他会由衷地高兴的。
Rogers didn’t say so, but I’ll bet he would have been glad to see less demand for skillful therapists if that meant more people were growing into adulthood having already felt unconditionally accepted.
标签:爱你 孩子
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2010-03-11 19:40 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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  • Guest 说:

    非常赞同阿尔伯特的观点。独身子女中有很多这样的例子。无条件关爱的教育是很害人的。

    2010-03-21 13:42 回复 支持(1) 反对(0) 沙发
  • Guest 说:

    I don’t know why I was so blunt. Of course there are miracles. Of course there are exceptions. But I wanted to know the worst-case scenario. For me that made me feel more in control, even though I was acutely aware I was in control of nothing.

    “Live in the moment.”

    “All you have is the day.”

    “We’re all terminal.”

    2010-06-14 16:20 回复 支持(1) 反对(0) 板凳
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