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不要害怕你的孩子

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为什么现在的很多人作为父母却很害怕他们的孩子,为什么他们让孩子在公共场合疯跑、吃垃圾食品,看所有他们爱看的电视,在饭馆有很糟糕的表现。
Why do many of today’s parents act as though they are afraid of their kids? Why do they let them run wild in public, eat junk, watch all the TV they want, and act awful in restaurants?
让我们各抒己见,为什么有时候我们经常很懦弱,为什么我们没有做主的感觉?我们为什么害怕我们的孩子?为什么我们害怕去约束我们的孩子?
Let’s get personal. Why are we sometimes or always parent wimps? Why don’t we feel in charge? Why are we afraid of our children? Why are we afraid of disciplining our kids?
我们可以想到很多理由。人口统计学:大多数母亲目前都在工作,而且对与他们所扮演的角色感到内疚,并明显感觉到很疲倦。现实:现在的很多家长在为了孩子而奋斗,而现在的孩子都是在小家庭中省长起来、“自我为中心”的一代,他们很少有机会和其他孩子在一起,去观察其他的黑子和家长。担心:现在的很多家长曾经被虐待或被体罚过,而他们决心再不想他们的家长那样为人父母。在为人父母方面缺乏极度自信:你可能拥有天体物理学的某个学位,但我敢打赌你肯定没有接受过当父母的任何正规训练。
Lots of reasons I can think of. Demographic: most mothers are in the work force and may feel guilty about their work status or just plain tired. Temporal: today’s parents are baby boomers who grew up in the “me first” generation in smaller families with fewer opportunities for baby sitting and observing children and parents. Fear: some parents were abused or treated harshly and are determined not to parent that way. Lack of confidence in parenting abilities: you may have a degree in astrophysics but I bet you didn’t have any parenting classes at school.
对如何去做很无知,这是个大问题。尽管有人告诉我们做父母的本领是与生俱来的,但事实上绝非如此。我们所认为生来如此的是那些我们生活在部落、村庄或大家庭中东西,在那里总是有人能够纠正我们作为父母的很多错误行为,并帮我们改正它。而现在我们都是处于孤立状态,远离了我们的大家庭。孩子们也不再和他们的榜样在一起,也难怪我们在如何当父母方面感到困惑了。
Simple ignorance about what to do is a biggie. Parenting is NOT INSTINCTIVE although most of us were told that it is. What some thought was instinct was that we lived in a tribe, village, or extended family where there was always someone to correct our parenting mistakes or help us out. Now we live in isolation, far from our extended families. And kids don’t come with owner’s manuals. No wonder we are puzzled about what to do!
我发现现在的家长一直摆脱不了一种担忧,就是他们做的一些事情可能会给孩子带来伤害或者永久性的不厉影响。因为这种担心,很多家长似乎怯于约束孩子,甚至对他们说“不”。
I find that parents today are obsessed with the fear they will do something that will have adverse and permanent effects on their children. Because of this fear many parents seem frightened to discipline their children or even say, “No!”
多年来我一直在思考,这样的担心和内疚到底从何而来。在80年代,我在为我的第一本书找研究资料时,发现了一片由艾琳?斯科尔尼克写的文章,这篇文章指出美国人所不能摆脱的是,对为人父母所充满焦虑和内疚感。
For many years I wondered where all this fear and guilt was coming from. In the 80s while researching the parenting literature for my first book I found an article by Arlene Skolnick pointing out that Americans are obsessed with, anxious, and guilt-ridden about parenting.
这是为什么呢?因为整个20世纪我们被一些“专家”的建议轰炸,这这些建议都是建立在对于如何抚养孩子方面两个极端矛盾的理论上的。
Why? Because throughout the entire 20th century we have been bombarded with “expert” advice based on two conflicting theories of child-rearing.
一方面,佛洛依德的理论告诫我们,孩子是敏感、脆弱的、容易受到伤害的动物。而另一方面,行为主义告诉我们孩子是有延展性的,是一个上面没有写任何东西的空白石板,一直到他们被父母所约束。
On the one hand the Freudians warned us that the child is VULNERABLE, kids are delicate, easily damaged creatures. On the other hand the behaviorists told us that children are MALLEABLE, kids are blank slates with nothing written on them until they are molded by their parents.
佛洛依德和行为主义,尽管在政治上完全相反,但给父母提出了完全不同的建议,主要集中在三方面:第一,父母必须在正确的时候作正确的事情,第二,如果父母尽力,就可以培养出优秀的孩子,第三,如果出了问题,孩子结果不好,猜猜谁该受到责难?是父母。傻瓜。
Both the Freudians and the behaviorists, though diametrically opposed politically and though proffering very different kinds of advise to parents, stress three things: 1) Parents must do the right thing at the right time. 2) Parents, if they try, can raise superior children. 3) If something goes wrong and the kids don’t turn out OK, guess who’s to blame? It’s the parents, stupid!
所有建立在这两个理论上的建议都完全忽视了一个重要因素。教育孩子是一个双向行为,你生出的孩子是什么样决定了你做父母的方式,并且父母并不是影响孩子的唯一因素。孩子更多的是被他们的同辈人所影响。
All the advice based on both these theories completely overlook two very important points. Parenting is bi-directional–the kind of child that is born to you determines how you parent–and parents are not the only influence on their children. Children are very much influenced by their peers.
因此,当一个懦弱的父母并不完全是你的错。也是我们所有教育专家的失败,包括我,应该感到内疚。我苦苦思索写出了一些文章,并把它们放在网站上,以避免加重这种内疚。同时,我也试图给父母们提出一些建议和方法,让他们不要觉得在做一些愚蠢的事情。
So parents it’s not entirely your fault that you are afraid to parent wimps. All of us advice-mongers, including me, could add to your guilt. I agonize over my columns and website to avoid adding to the burden of guilt. I try, instead, to suggest strategies and skills for parents to use and not make them feel they have been doing something stupid.
最快乐的家庭里最快乐的孩子,他们的父母对孩子也一定有做主的感觉,也一定在实际中能够做主。当发生严肃的问题时,他们的父母也一定不会懦弱。
The happiest children in the happiest homes have parents who feel in-charge and act in-charge while respecting their children. These parents don’t wimp out when there’s a tough issue to face.
他们明白,他们并不是孩子的朋友、伙伴,同辈、同志,或者密友。你们是孩子的父母,你们有做父母的强大能力,你们也足够聪明,知道一个强大的父母是多么地重要。
They understand that they are not their child’s friend, buddy, peer, comrade, or crony. You are your child’s PARENT. You are strong enough to do the tough bits of parenting. You’re wise enough to know how important a strong parent is.
标签:孩子
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2010-03-11 19:39 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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  • Guest 说:

    both children and parents have a responsibility to care each other!!!what they need is just sit down and talk honestly!!!

    2010-03-18 22:49 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 沙发
  • Guest 说:

    一直思索这个问题,没有答案。读了文章后有启发,很好!

    2010-03-21 12:33 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 板凳
  • Guest 说:

    恩…我就是90后的孩子

    2010-03-25 15:03 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 地板
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