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真正主导婚姻幸福的是金钱吗?

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All over the country today--Valentine's Day--men are down on bended knee proposing marriage. They will speak of love and affection and devotion. Few, however, will mention what really matters: money.
如今,各地的男人们都选择在情人节那天单膝下跪求婚,表达自己的爱意,以及愿意从一而终的决心。不过,很少有男人会在那个时刻说出真正主导婚姻幸福的东西:金钱。

Crass, maybe. But true nonetheless.
俗了不是?也许吧,但这是事实。

When you think about it, couples don't fight over love. They fight over money. They fight because one person didn't balance the checkbook or made a bone-headed investment without consulting the other. They fight because one partner exerts dictatorial control over the money, or because one has secretly amassed thousands of dollars in debt on a credit card, imperiling the couple's finances.
不妨想一想,很多夫妻不会因为爱情而争吵,但会为了金钱而吵个不休,比如对方不能在生活上量入为出,或是没有征询自己的意见就做出愚蠢的投资决定,或是有一方在用钱上过于独断专行,或是一方偷偷积累了数千美元的信用卡债务,从而导致夫妻双方的财务吃紧,诸如此类,不一而足。

Whether the issues are big or small, money will prove a powerful force impacting your marriage -- sometimes overtly in the form of routine arguments; sometimes quietly as animosities seethe beneath the surface for years, only to explode into a potentially marriage-ending supernova.
无论这些事情是大是小,金钱是影响婚姻关系的一个重要因素——有时导致夫妻经常性地公开吵闹,有时会让夫妻常年心生怨隙,虽然平时努力忍耐,但最终可能爆发出来,给婚姻划上一个终止符。

What couples don't always grasp is that money is rarely the real culprit. It's the lack of communication, often stemming from a lack of knowledge about each other's personal financial quirks and beliefs.
发生问题的夫妻不一定明白的是:金钱往往不是真正的问题所在,真正的问题在于缺乏沟通,而这多源于夫妻对彼此的理财习惯和观念缺乏了解。

So, some time between "Yes, I will marry you," and "I do," you and your partner need to have The Money Talk--the key questions all couples should ask of one another.
因此,在说出“我想娶你”和“我愿意”这两句话之间的一段时间里,你和另一半应该启动有关金钱的谈话——这是每一对未婚夫妻都应该与另一半交流的话题。

Here are four of the more important questions to ask each other, since they provide insight and information on how money will flow through your marriage.
下面列出其中最重要的四个问题,你能从中深入了解到金钱将如何影响你未来的婚姻生活。

1. What Are Your Assets and Liabilities?
问题一:你的资产和负债状况如何?

This question is paramount because assets and liabilities are the basic building blocks of the financial life you'll live together. Assets (banks accounts, investments, retirement plans and a house) help you strive for the life you want. The liabilities (a mortgage, credit-card debt, auto loans and leases) will hold you back.
这个问题至关重要,因为资产负债状况是夫妻共同财务生活的基石所在。资产(银行存款、投资理财、退休计划和持有房产等)能让你过上自己想要的幸福生活,负债(住房抵押贷款、信用卡债务、汽车贷款和租车费用等)则把你往相反的方向拉。

Your goal is to pinpoint where you are financially as a couple so that you can map out where you want to go together. That could mean determining how much you want to save each month for retirement, or how much you want to put into an account for a new house, a new car or an annual vacation.
你的目标是要准确了解双方共同的财务状况,这样才能规划出两人今后的奋斗目标,包括决定每月存多少钱用于退休生活,或者存多少钱来买一栋新房子、一辆新汽车或每年出去度一次假。

It also could mean talking about how you each use debt and the amount of debt you each have -- and mapping out a plan to pay off as quickly as possible the combined debt you will have as a family.
这个话题的交流还包括双方如何选择负债,以及负债的具体金额,并拟定一个计划,在尽可能短的时间里偿还双方组建家庭后的共同债务。

The best way to approach this: Present each other with a copy of your net-worth statement, a simple list of all your assets and liabilities. And voice no judgments. Mocking a partner's choices will simply lead to future silence.
讨论的最佳方式是:给对方一份自己的净价值表,简明扼要地列出你的资产和负债项目。记住,不要妄加评判,嘲笑对方的财务选择会直接切断双方未来的交流途径。

2. What Is Your Money History?
问题二:你在金钱方面有什么经历和故事?

What you experienced financially as a child--how your parents managed their bills, how they talked or yelled about money, what they taught you about saving and spending--has shaped who you are today.
你童年时在金钱方面的经历将影响你日后对待金钱的方式,比如你父母如何管理日常开支,在用钱方面如何讨论或争吵,以及如何教你存钱和花钱之道等。

Problems arise in marriage because partners don't always see money from the same perspective. You might abhor debt for anything other than a mortgage, yet your spouse-to-be thinks nothing of putting lunch, groceries and the afternoon Slurpee on a credit card, and then paying the minimum each month and allowing the balance to roll over.
如果夫妻对待金钱的看法不一样,婚姻就会发生问题。你可能厌恶房贷之外的任何负债,而你未来的配偶却连吃中饭、买日常用品和饮料都要刷信用卡,然后每个月向银行支付最低还款额,让债务越滚越大。

In talking to one another about how you each see money, you will begin to understand one another's money habits. That, in turn, will help you find a common approach for managing money successfully as a couple.
双方交流金钱观后,将开始了解彼此的用钱习惯,从而有助于找到一个适合双方情况的金钱管理方式。

Neither of you will--nor should--get your way completely. Marriage is about compromise. A better understanding early on of how you each see and use money will give you the tools to find a middle ground you're each happy with when financial discord arises.
夫妻任何一方都不能——也不应该——完全按照自己的习惯来用钱。婚姻就是一种妥协的艺术。你要及早对配偶的金钱观有一个深入了解,这样才能在双方出现意见分歧时找到一个中庸的解决之道。

3. How Should We Divide Financial Duties?
问题三:我们应该如何分配管钱权?

In many marriages, one partner exerts financial dominance over the other, leaving the silenced partner anxious and angry. Other times, one partner shirks financial duties because of disinterest, leaving the other to shoulder the burden. Neither is fair.
在许多婚姻中,夫妻一方想管住另一方的用钱权,后者虽然嘴上不说,但心里不舒服,甚至很愤怒。另一种情形是,有一方没兴趣管钱,就让另一方来承担责任。这两种方式都不公平。

Couples should determine how to divvy up the various financial obligations that exist. Maybe one takes charge of investing and the other balances the checkbook. Play to each other's strengths. If you're good at challenging bureaucracy, maybe you agree to handle the insurance companies and the medical bills.
夫妻双方应该商定如何分摊各种财务责任,比如一方负责投资理财,另一方负责日常开支。要发挥各自的长处,如果你擅长对付官僚习气,也许就可以选择跟保险公司和医疗报销机构打交道。

The point is that you both have an obligation to the family's financial well-being, and both spouses need to be aware of the household's financial situation.
关键在于,夫妻双方都应对家庭的财务健康负有责任,都要对家庭的财务状况有清醒的认识。

If one partner wants to opt out of the daily financial minutiae, that's fine, so long as the other spouse is OK with handling the full obligation. But even then, you need to remain aware of what's going on with the finances so there are no unsavory surprises.
如果夫妻有一方不想被日常开支的小事所纠缠,那也没关系,只要另一方愿意全盘接手就行;但即使如此,你也应该了解家庭财务状况,免得事到临头大吃一惊。

4. Do We Combine Accounts or Operate Individually?
问题四:我们应该合着用钱还是各用各的?

This is a divisive issue. Many financial pros argue that operating from individual accounts helps maintain marital peace. Since neither partner knows what happens in the other's account, there's no bickering.
这是一个众说纷纭的话题。很多财务专家称,各用各的有助于夫妻和睦相处,因为彼此不知道对方的资金使用情况,也就无从争吵。

Maybe. But it's far from perfect. Resentments can emerge if one partner is better at saving and always has money for larger, more meaningful purchases. Moreover, individual accounts mask the family's true financial position, which can hamper the main purpose of marriage: operating as a team.
也许吧,但这么处理还远谈不上完美。如果一方善于理财,总是有钱买更贵、更有意义的东西,那么另一方难免会心生怨气。此外,各用各的容易掩盖家庭真实的财务状况,让婚姻的一个主要目的无从体现:即一起过日子。

If neither of you know how much money is really flowing through the individual accounts, nor how much is being saved and invested, then it's impossible to plan a future together.
如果夫妻双方都不知道各自的银行户头有多少钱进出,也不知道各自都存了多少钱,做了多少投资,那两人就不可能一起计划共同的未来。

That doesn't mean individual accounts can't work. They can. But they require a large degree of openness so that you can both work toward common goals.
当然,这并不是说各用各的就不行,有时候这种方式也管用,但需要夫妻彼此之间开诚布公,这样才能奔着共同的目标努力。

Ultimately, all of these questions are about one thing: communication. Learn to talk about money early and often, and you can mitigate the financial tensions that are normal in all marriages.
总之,所有这些问题都涉及两个字:沟通。学会及早地与对方讨论金钱方面的事情,并经常保持这种对话,就能避免所有婚姻中常见的因金钱引起的夫妻争吵。

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2010-02-25 22:59 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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  • Guest 说:

    i'm the one who control my family finance.my partner even give me his bank card.we don't have credit card which it's a bad habit,we have bank card instead.i wrote down everything we bought in detail.we don't earn much,but enough for our life.by the way i write down them in english,one side we know well our finance,the other side practise english and other don't know what i wrote

    2010-02-26 16:42 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 沙发
  • Guest 说:

    it's the truth. i agree.

    2010-03-02 11:28 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 板凳
  • Guest 说:

    婚姻,如果不是炸药包,自然没有主导的引线;婚姻,如果已是战火硝烟,用钱主导的结局只是灰烬。
    我看到的幸福婚姻:一位乞讨的大爷,将得到的一块饼递给了身边的老伴儿让她先吃,自己忍着饥饿;
    我珍惜的幸福婚姻:一个挣钱不多的人,哪怕只有一元钱,他肯为我付出五毛钱!一个挣钱很多的人,如果只是在偶尔的时间里为我慷慨解囊,即使数目很多,我想,都不会令我对婚姻有幸福的体会。婚姻的幸与不幸,除了男女对钱的心理认知,最终由双方对情感的态度决定。别拿钱来说婚姻。

    2010-03-16 00:01 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 地板
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