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The best way to getstudents interested in scientific studies is to give them hands-on experiencesthat get them excited about the subject matter. In chemistry courses, teachersaccomplish that with test tubes and mysterious liquids. In a course I taughtrecently at the University of California, San Diego, on relationship science, I piqued my students'interest with exercises on, well, love.
To begin, I invited eightstudents who did not know each other to come to the front of the auditorium,where I paired them up randomly. I then asked each individual to rate, on ascale of 1 to 10, how much he or she liked, loved, or felt close to his or herpartner. Then I asked the couples to look deeply into each other's eyes in anexercise I call Soul Gazing.
There was some giggling atfirst and then some very intense gazing. After two minutes, I again asked forthe numbers. The result? A modest 7 percent increase in loving (meaning 1 pointadded for one person in one couple), an 11 percent increase in liking, and awhopping 45 percent increase in closeness. There were gasps and cheers in theaudience. When I asked everyone in the class to pair up for two minutes ofgazing, 89 percent of the students said the exercise increased feelings ofintimacy.
And that was just thebeginning.
Eye Contact
About 50 percent of firstmarriages fail in the U.S.,as do two thirds of second marriages and three quarters of third marriages. Somuch for practice! We fail in large part because we enter into relationshipswith poor skills for maintaining them and highly unrealistic expectations. Wealso tend to pick unsuitable partners, mistakenly believing that we are in lovesimply because we feel physical attraction.
That combination offactors sets us up for failure: eventually — often within a mere 18 months —the fog of passion dissipates, and we begin to see our partner with newclarity. All too often we react by saying, "Who are you?" or"You've changed." We might try hard for years after that to keepthings going, especially if children are in the picture. But if we start outwith the wrong person and lack basic tools for resolving conflicts andcommunicating, the chances that we will succeed are slim to none.
Over the years, havinglooked carefully at the fast-growing scientific literature on relationshipscience and having conducted some new research of my own, I have come tobelieve that there is a definite fix for our poor performance in romanticrelationships. The fix is to extract a practical technology from the researchand then to teach people how to use it.
至少有80项研究能够告诉我们,人们怎样学习彼此相爱。美国克拉克大学的心理学家詹姆斯·莱尔德(James D. Laird)及其同事在1989年的一项研究,启发我发明了“灵魂凝视”练习法。该研究显示,即便是完全陌生的人,凝视彼此的双眼(而非注视着手)能急剧增加彼此之间喜欢和爱的感觉。彼此凝视与瞪着眼睛看人很相似,但两者有个显著的差异:对多数哺乳动物而言,瞪眼是刻意的举动而且被视为一种威胁;如果你对这个效应有所怀疑,你不妨去纽约的地铁里试一试。然而,在彼此凝视的情况下,人们已允许对方瞪着自己看,换言之,彼此之间互不设防,这是建立感情连接中的关键因素。人们若能在紧张对峙的情形下产生这种互不设防的默契,那么便可以在短时间内建立坚不可摧的感情;有时人质甚至对绑匪产生了强烈的爱慕之意,这种现象被称为“斯德哥尔摩综合症”。
At least 80 scientificstudies help to reveal how people learn to love each other. A 1989 study bypsychologist James D. Laird of Clark University and hiscolleagues inspired my Soul Gazing exercise. The researchers showed that mutualeye gazing (but not gazing at hands) produced rapid increases in feelings ofboth liking and loving in total strangers. Mutual gazing is like staring, butwith an important difference: for many mammalian species, staring is bothintended and received as a threat. Try it on a New York subway if you have any doubts aboutits efficacy. In mutual gazing, however, people are giving each otherpermission to stare; that is, they are being vulnerable to each other, and thatis the key element in emotional bonding. The vulnerability created when peopleare in war zones can create powerful emotional bonds in seconds, and evenhostages some-times develop strong attachments to their captors, a phenomenoncalled the Stockholm syndrome.
Signs of vulnerability inan animal or another person bring out tendencies in many people to provide careand protection — to be drawn to that being and to like or even love him or her.And as research in social psychology has shown for decades, when a person isfeeling vulnerable and thus agitated or otherwise aroused, he or she oftenlooks around for clues about how to interpret and label those feelings. Thebody is saying, "I'm aroused, but I'm not sure why," and theenvironment is suggesting an answer, namely, that you're in love.
A technology of Affection
Soul Gazing is one ofdozens of exercises I have distilled from scientific studies that make peoplefeel vulnerable and increase intimacy. Love Aura, Let Me Inside and Secret Swapare other examples of fun, bond-building activities that any couple can learnand practice [see box on preceding page].
Students could earn extracredit in my course by trying out such techniques with friends, romanticinterests or even total strangers. More than 90 percent of the students in thecourse reported using these methods successfully to improve their relationships, and more than 50 of the 213 students submitted detailed reports about theirexperiences. Nearly all the reports documented increases in liking, loving,closeness or attraction of between 3 and 30 percent over about a month. In afew cases , ratings tripled [see box on opposite page]. (Students did not needto enhance their relationships to receive extra credit; all they had to do wasdocument their use of the techniques.)
The few except ions I sawmade sense. One heterosexual male saw no positive effects when he tried theexercises with another male; moreover, the experience made him"uncomfortable ." When he tried them with a female, however, hisintimacy ratings increased by 25 percent — and hers increased by 144 percent!
1. 合二为一。温柔地彼此相拥,慢慢觉察你的伴侣的呼吸,逐渐地尝试使自己的呼吸节奏与伴侣同步。几分钟之后,你可能会感觉到彼此的心已经交融。
A student named Oliviaattempted the exercises with her brother, mother, a good friend and a relativestranger. Soul Gazing failed with her brother because he could not stopgiggling. When she and her mom tried the Secret Swap — an activity that createsvulnerability when people disclose secrets to each other — intimacy ratingsincreased by 31 percent. Exercises she tried with her friend boosted ratingsbetween 10 and 19 percent, but most impressive was the outcome of gazing withsomeone she barely knew: a 70 percent increase in intimacy.
2. 灵魂凝视。在离你的伴侣两步远的地方站着或者坐着,深情对视彼此的眼睛,尝试着深入彼此的心灵。大约二分钟后,与你的伴侣交流你看到了什么。
One student did theassignment with her husband of five years. The couple, Asa and Gill, tried outeight different exercises, and even though their "before" scores wereusually very high (9s and 10s), every exercise they tried increased theirscores by at least 3 percent. Overall, Asa wrote, "I noticed a drasticchange in our bond for one another. My husband seems more affectionate now thanhe was, for which I am really grateful." She also reported a bonus: asubstantial drop in the frequency with which she and her spouse calledattention to their past mistakes. This change probably came about because thecouple was now, as a result of my course , broadly interested in enhancingtheir relationship.
3. “猴学人样”。紧靠对方站着或者坐着,以任何你喜欢的方式开始移动你的手、胳膊和大腿,但必须以能够很好模仿对方的方式移动。这个活动很有趣,但也很有挑战性。你会发现虽然彼此都是自愿地在移动,但是你的行动已经和伴侣的行动联系在一起。
Taking Control
4. 坠入爱河。这是一种信任练习,是增进彼此心心相印的方法之一。站在一个地方,只需要向后倒向你伴侣的手臂;然后互换位置。重复几次后,谈论你们的感受。甚至只是这样尝试过几次的陌生人,也感觉像是认识了多年。
The students in my coursewere doing something new — taking control over their love lives. We grow up onfairy tales and movies in which magical forces help people find their soulmates, with whom they effortlessly live happily ever after. The fairy talesleave us powerless, putting our love lives into the hands of the Fates.
5. 交换秘密。在纸上写下一个深藏已久的秘密,并且让你的伴侣也这么做。然后交换彼此的秘密,并且交流你们看到了什么。你们可以一直继续这个过程,直到用光了所有的秘密。不过最好是,为日后保留一些秘密。
But here is a surprise :most of the world has never heard of those fairy tales. Instead more than halfof marriages on our globe are brokered by parents or professional matchmakers,whose main concerns are long-term suitability and family harmony. In India an estimated 95 percent of the marriagesare arranged, and although divorce is legal, India has one of the lowest divorcerates in the world. (This is starting to change, of course, as Western waysencroach on traditional society.)
6. 读心游戏。写下一个你想与伴侣分享的想法。然后当对方正在猜测的时候,你花几分钟用身体语言无声地告诉对方那个想法。如果对方还是猜不到,你再揭晓答案。然后互换位置。
Young couples in India generally have a choice about whether toproceed, and the combination of choice and sound guidance probably accounts forthe fact that studies of arranged marriages in India indicate that they measure upwell — in, for example, longevity, satisfaction and love — against Westernmarriages. Indeed, the love experienced by Indian couples in arranged marriagesappears to be even more robust than the love people experience in "lovemarriages." In a 1982 study psychologists Usha Gupta and Pushpa Singh of theUniversity of Rajasthanin Jaipur, India,used the Rubin Love Scale, which gauges intense, romantic, Western-style love,to determine that love in love marriages in India does exactly what it does inlove marriages here: it starts high and declines fairly rapidly. But love inthe arranged marriages they examined started out low and gradually increased,surpassing the love in the love marriage about five years out. Ten years intothe marriage the love was nearly twice as strong.
7. 让我靠近。在离伴侣四步远的地方站着,并注视着伴侣。每 10 秒左右,向对方靠近一点点;重复几次,直到进入对方的私人空间(私人空间的边界大概是18英寸,46公分)。越近越好,只要没有触碰到对方。(我的学生告诉我,这种练习通常以亲吻结束。)
How do they do it? How do peoplein some arranged marriages build love deliberately overtime — and can we do it,too?
8. 爱的灵气。让你的手掌和对方的手掌尽可能的靠近,但不要真正碰到。这样重复几次之后,除了感觉到热以外,有时你还会感觉到一种神秘的火花。
Over the past few years Ihave been interviewing people in arranged marriages in which love has grownover time. One of these couples is Kaiser and Shelly Haque of Minneapolis, who have been happily marriedfor 11 years and have two bright, well-adjusted children. Once he had a securelife in the U.S., Kaiser, animmigrant from Bangladesh,returned to his native country to let his family know he was ready for matrimony.The family did the rest. After just one meeting with Shelly — where, Kaisersaid, there was "like at first sight" — the arrangements were made."We've grown to love each other and to get to know each other overtime," Kaiser says. "The sparks are getting bigger, and I think wecan do even better in the future."
Kaiser and Shelly are notatypical. A study that Mansi Thakar, a student at the University of SouthernCalifornia, and I presented at the November 2009 meeting of the NationalCouncil on Family Relations included 30 individuals from nine countries oforigin and five different religions. Their love had grown, on average , from3.9 to 8. 5 on a 10-point scale in marriages lasting an average of 19.4 years.
These individualsidentified 11 factors that contributed to the growth of their love, 10 of whichdovetailed beautifully with the scientific research I reviewed in my course.The most import ant factor was commitment, followed by good communicationskills. The couples also identified sharing secrets with a spouse , as well asaccommodation — that is , the voluntary altering of a partner's behavior tomeet the other person's needs. Seeing a spouse in a vulnerable state (caused byinjury or illness) was also singled out. There are many possible lessons herefor Westerners, among them: do things deliberately that make you vulnerable toeach other. Try experiencing danger, or thrilling simulations of it , as acouple .
The results conflictedwith those of American studies in only one respect: several of the subjectssaid their love grew when they had children with their spouse. Studies in the U.S.routinely find parenting to be a threat to feelings of spousal love , butperhaps that tendency results from the strong feelings and unrealisticexpectations that launch our relationships. The stress of raising childrentends to disrupt those expectations and ultimately our positive feelings foreach other.
Creating Love
A careful look at arrangedmarriage, combined with the knowledge accumulating in relationship science, hasthe potential to give us real control over our love lives — without practicingarranged marriage . Americans want it all — the freedom to choose a partner andthe deep, lasting love of fantasies and fairy tales. We can achieve that kindof love by learning about and practicing techniques that build love over time.And when our love is fading, we can use such techniques to rebuild that love.The alternative — leaving it to chance — makes little sense.
The researchers found thatmutual eye gazing (but not gazing at hands) produced rapid increases infeelings of both liking and loving in total strangers.
"I noticed a drasticchange in our bond for one another," one student wrote. "My husbandseems more affectionate now than he was, for which I am really grateful."7
A careful look at arrangedmarriage, combined with the knowledge accumulating in relationship science, hasthe potential to give us real control over our love lives.
在印度,年轻的夫妻通常拥有是否继续生活的选择权,同时还会得到优质的、完整的指导,指导可能会证明这样的事实,即关于印度包办婚姻的研究显示,与西方的婚姻相比他们在诸如婚姻长度、满意度和爱情等方面有更好的估测。确实,印度夫妻在包办婚姻中体验的爱情看起来甚至比人们在“爱情婚姻”中体验的爱情更强烈。印度斋浦尔(Jaipur)的拉贾斯坦大学(Universityof Rajasthan)的心理学家Usha Gupta和Pushpa Singh在1982年的一项研究,采用常用于测量强烈的、浪漫的西式婚姻中爱情指数的鲁宾爱情量表(Rubin Love Scale)来测量印度的“爱情婚姻”中的爱情指数,并证实印度“爱情婚姻”中的爱情与以下表述的“爱情婚姻”中的爱情并无二致:来得强烈、去得也快(像疾风骤雨一样)。但是他们发现包办婚姻中的爱情,开始时平淡、却在慢慢增强(像黄酒一样入口时平淡,越喝酒劲越大);并且在五年左右超过“爱情婚姻”中的爱情,等过了十年包办婚姻中的爱情几乎增强了一倍。
在过去几年里我采访了爱情日久弥深的、婚姻被包办的夫妻。美国明尼阿波利斯(Minneapolis)的Kaiser和Shelly Haque是这些夫妻中的一对,他们已经在一起幸福地生活了11年,并且拥有两个聪明的、适应性良好的孩子。Kaiser是来自孟加拉共和国的移民,当他在美国有了稳定的生活后,他回到自己的祖国并告诉他的家人他准备好结婚了。然后他的家庭负责操办他的婚姻的后半部分。在仅仅见过Shelly一面(Kaiser说,真有过“一见钟情”的感觉)之后,婚约就定了下来。“我们渐渐地懂得相亲相爱,并且慢慢了解彼此,”Kaiser说,“爱的火花越擦越亮,我想在未来我们会更加相爱。”
Kaiser和Shelly不是唯一的典型。南加州大学学生Mansi Thakar研究(我在2009年11月份家庭关系全国委员会会议上报告了这项研究)了来自9个国家和5种不同宗教的30个个体。研究显示,这30个人的爱情指数在平均19.4年的婚姻生活里,在10点量表上从平均3.9增长到8.5。
许多科学研究揭示了人们怎样坠入爱河,也启发了一些能增强爱情关系的技术。这里列出了 10 项调查研究,它们启发我编制了筑爱的新技术。
1. 激情。史东尼布鲁克大学(Stony Brook University)的心理学家亚瑟·阿隆(Arthur Aron)等人的研究显示,人们在诸如运动、冒险或者处于危险状态等激情时刻时,更容易建立感情联系。不信的话,不妨试试过山车。
2.接近和熟悉。斯坦福大学的社会心理学家利昂·费斯廷格(Leon Festinger)和罗伯特·扎因斯(RobertZajonc)等人的研究显示,即便仅仅是围绕在某人周围也有助于产生积极的感觉。当两人有意识、谨慎地允许彼此进入他们的私人空间时,亲密感可以迅速增加。
3. 相似性。虽说距离产生美,但杜克大学和麻省理工学院的行为经济学家丹·阿雷利(Dan Ariely)等人的研究显示,人们通常更倾向于与自己在智力、背景和吸引力水平等方面相似的人配对。有些研究甚至表明,只有效仿他人才可以增强亲密感。
4. 幽默。婚姻顾问和研究人员珍妮特和罗伯特·劳尔在1986年的研究表明,幸福长久的伴侣,常使彼此笑口常开。其他研究同样显示,女人更青睐那些会逗她们笑的男性——这可能是因为当我们在笑时,我们会感觉到轻松。会讲笑话的,不妨一试?
5. 新鲜感。佛罗里达州立大学的心理学家Greg Strong和Aron等人表示,人们在尝试一些新鲜事物时,更容易变得亲近。新鲜感使这种亲近更加强烈,并且使人们变得轻松。
6. 解除心防。无数的感情关系可能是开始于一杯酒。心理防线阻止我们脱下人格面具,于是像喝酒这样解除心防确实可以帮助人们建立感情联系。然而,喝醉又会使人迷糊不清,而且使身体虚弱。有没有代替酒精的好方法呢?试试“合二为一”练习法吧。
7. 善意、容忍和宽恕。各种研究显示,我们更倾向于和善良、细腻和体贴的人建立感情。为了对方的需要而体贴地自觉放弃喝酒、抽烟等恶习,能够迅速激发爱的感觉。宽恕经常导致双方都释怀,因为当一个人乞求宽恕时,另一个人会情不自禁地原谅对方。
8.身体接触。最简单的触碰也可以产生温暖和积极的感觉,背部的触摸(熊抱)更可以创造奇特的感觉。哪怕只是尽可能地接近某人而不实际接触,也会产生效果。伊利诺伊州立大学的社会心理学家Susan Sprecher的研究表明,与其他方面相比,性接触也会使人们在情感上感觉更亲近,尤其对女性而言。然而这也很危险:这样容易将爱的感觉和性吸引相混淆。在不认识对方的情况下,你不可能爱上某个人;同时肉体上的吸引也阻碍了人们去了解伴侣更重要的特质。
10.承诺。美国人似乎不那么擅长兑现我们感情关系中的承诺,但是普渡大学的心理学家Ximena Arriaga的研究显示,承诺是建立爱情关系中的一个关键元素。对于伴侣的同一个行为,承诺不那么坚定的人会看得更消极,而且随着时间的推移,最终可能是致命性的。契约婚姻——目前只在亚利桑那州、阿肯色州和路易斯安那州是合法的——是一种新型婚姻模式(从福音派基督教运动中演变而来),它涉及到一个很强的承诺:夫妇同意婚前协商以及有限的离婚权利。契约婚姻在美国容易被抛弃,甚至无需特定的法律原因(所谓的不追究责任的离婚就是其中一个原因)。
标签:科学 爱河
2010-02-01 21:06 编辑:kuaileyingyu
  • Guest 说:

    Can't you check the article before put online? So many errors make it hard to read.

    2010-02-03 03:59 回复 支持(0) 反对(0) 沙发
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