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癌症后重新感受自我(一篇真诚的文章)

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距离我得知自己患上前列腺癌已经2年了,距离我最后一次治疗也有11个月了。随着手术疤痕逐渐变淡,化疗和荷尔蒙治疗对身体的影响也渐渐减少,而我的精神也从治疗后的压抑期中解放出来,开始慢慢恢复。
It has been nearly two years now since I learned I had prostate cancer, and 11 months since my last treatment. The surgical scar on my gut is fading, the radiation and hormones have leached from my body — and my soul — and my post-treatment depression is gradually lifting.
终于,我重新找回了癌症前那个旧日的自己,这种感觉就像经历了一段黑暗、危险且恐怖的历程,最终回到温暖的家里一样,于是,在这个过程中,我有太多的故事要说。
I'm finally starting to feel like my old, precancer self, as if I've finally returned home from a long and harrowing journey through dark and dangerous lands with plenty of earthy tales to tell.
对于太久感受不到自己的我来说,这真是一种解脱。一开始是一系列可怕的肾上腺素治疗和诊断;然后是冒险的外科手术带来的疼痛和虚弱;然而最恐怖的时刻却是当我得知自己患上的是极具危险性的第三期癌症之时。
It's a relief, because I haven't felt like myself for a long time. First, there was the terrifying adrenaline whirlwind of diagnosis and decisions about treatment. And then there was the pain and debilitation of radical open surgery, then the worse pain of finding out that I had an unexpectedly aggressive Stage 3 cancer.
我在化疗和荷尔蒙治疗带来的疲惫和虚弱中苦苦挣扎,情绪像被冰冷的大石头一直往下拉,抑郁难当。我奋力拨开迷雾,我不能坐以待毙,必须让自己破茧成蝶。
I staggered through the fog and fatigue brought on by radiation and hormone therapy, and ended up being brought low by the cold and heavy stones of depression. I ran out of gas. I couldn't go no more. It was time to curl up and cocoon.
一切都过去了,现在重要的是我如何过癌症后的生活。我仍然在医院肿瘤科的观察之下,必须定期复查PSA——前列腺异性抗体在体内的情况,这就和你定期检查一辆开起来吱吱作响的老旧福特卡车是否足油一样。
But that's past, and I'm focusing now on my postcancer life. My oncologist is still keeping an eye on me, of course, and my P.S.A. – prostate specific antigen – level is checked regularly, the way you'd check the oil in an old Ford pickup truck that runs a little loud and rough.
现在我会连续几天想不起癌症两个字。我再也不把Dana和癌症病人这四个字联系起来,除了抱怨曾经的自己以外。去年秋天停写这个专栏的决定对我状态的改变非常有利。对于前列腺癌的治疗方法和后续事宜我想说的仍然很多,但如今我却是真正做到了驾驭自己的癌症后生活,并且真正从这个角度来看待这些问题。
I go for days at a time now without thinking about the cancer. I don't feel like Dana the Cancer Patient anymore, but just plain old Dana. Taking a break from this column last fall helped with that process. I still have plenty to say about prostate cancer, its treatment and aftermath. But now I can look at those topics from the point of view of a man leading a post-cancer life.
如今的我并未完全走出阴霾,但那片阴霾却越来越小,有越来越多的阳光透进来。我的头脑前所未有的清醒,我每天步行五公里,最近我还疯狂地爱上了Elmore Leonard, James Lee Burke 和George P. Pelecanos等人的犯罪小说。像是为了弥补失去的时光,我有时候竟会一天看完一本。
I'm not out of the woods yet. But those woods are thinner, brighter. My head is clearer than it has been in ages. I walk five miles a day, and lately I've been binge-reading, wolfing down hard-boiled crime novels by writers like Elmore Leonard, James Lee Burke and George P. Pelecanos. It is as if I'm trying to make up for lost time as I sometimes read a novel a day.
在身体的角度看,我的体重从荷尔蒙治疗导致的228磅降到了现在的205磅,同时身体能量却在不断积蓄。身体恢复的这个过程就好像我重新穿上了一件几年来一直闲置的舒适的旧毛衣。(但是性功能,哎,还处于恢复的过程,但是我必须重申,如果你明白我的意思的话:性只代表性)
Physically, my weight has dropped to 205 pounds from a hormone-induced high of 228, and my energy level is up. As my body returns to me, I feel as if I'm shrugging into a comfortable old sweater that had been misplaced for a couple of years. (But erectile function, sigh, is still a work in progress. Then again, sex is only sex, if you know what I mean.)
经历了癌症的病痛以及整个治疗过程,到如今,我感受到了生活的本质。最近对于生活的许多琐事,在我看来大多是善良和谦逊的琐事,我没有多大耐心。我最想要的幸福生活非常简单:拥有自己的灵魂伴侣,以及来自家人和朋友的爱。
I've come through the fire of cancer and its treatment to this moment, have been flensed to something essential. I have no patience these days for jerks, for trivia — kindness and humility matter most to me. And what I want in this sweet life is simple: The holy company and love of my family and my friends.
在一月份的这个早晨,坐在这里写下这些文字,我心中的感激之情难以言表,冬天的阳光洒在身上,身边的Bijou,这只羞涩的迷你贵宾犬,在我身边静静地打着小鼾,生活如此让我感激。
I am grateful almost beyond articulation as I sit here and write this January morning, burnished by the wan winter sun, with Bijou, our creaky but game miniature poodle, snoozing and snoring next to me.
我努力地过着每分每秒,努力让我生命中的每个瞬间都充满祈祷和感恩。
I'm trying to live second to second, trying to truly believe that each moment in our lives can be a small prayer.
不希望把得到的一切当做理所当然,我希望能够享受最原始的快乐;和妻子牵着手看每一场电影;每周五和我健谈的兄弟Herm在Buck咖啡店畅聊;在刮风的夜晚品尝纯正的黑啤带来的略带苦涩的味觉享受。
I want to pay attention, take nothing for granted, revel in the primal: Holding hands with my wife at a movie; Friday coffee at ‘Bucks with my buddy Herm, who's a fine Texan raconteur; the dark and bitter taste of a strong stout on a stark and gusty night.
我真正想说的是:
I guess that what I'm really trying to say is this:
未来将是一个崭新的年度,一个崭新的十年和一个崭新的人生。
Here's to a new year, a new decade and a new life.
标签:癌症 真诚
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2010-01-17 18:06 编辑:kuaileyingyu
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