苦苦等待Mr. Right还是勉强接受Mr.All Right
Is It Time to Stop Waiting for Mr. Right? 是不是不该再傻傻等待Mr.Right的出现了？
Do women sabotage themselves by waiting for Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet? Is it time to stop pining for Mr. Right and start considering Mr. All Right? Journalist and NPR commentator Lori Gottlieb raises these questions and others in her new book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (Dutton). TIME senior reporter Andrea Sachs discussed the dating scene with Gottlieb.
Q: What's your definition of settling? 你觉得什么是“定下来”？
A: Our culture views anything less than the perfect man to be settling, and so it's used ironically in the title. I do not advocate settling for somebody that you don't have passion and connection with. I'm saying he may be shorter than you imagined, he may be skinnier than you imagined, he may not meet every criterion on your checklist. That's what a lot of women consider settling. There was a study done that asked, If a guy had 80% of what you are looking for, would you marry him? And most women said no. A guy is a package deal, as are you. Many women throw out the guy because they don't like a part of the package. We're all flawed human beings. Recognizing that isn't settling.
Q: Are women pickier than men? 女人比男人更挑剔吗？
A: When I asked men and women what they wanted in a partner, men were far more open-minded. They mostly talked about finding someone cute enough, kind, warm and interesting enough to talk to. Women got absurdly specific — he has to be successful but not a workaholic. He has to know how to order wine in a restaurant. He has to be stylish but not too into fashion in a feminine way. And the lists went on and on. Women seem to want one-stop shopping — a guy who's going to be her best friend, share all of her interests, stimulate her intellectually and sexually and connect deeply with her on every level. Men seemed more willing to accept that they may get certain things from their friendships, other things from their work colleagues and still others from their spouses. Guys don't care if you don't want to hear about the baseball game, but women might be disappointed if the guy doesn't want to hear the details of her book-club discussion. It gets to a point where no guy measures up, because no one human being can be everything to anyone.
Q: You write about women in their 20s having more power. What do you mean by that? 你说二十岁的女人们最有power，这是指什么呢？
A: Women in their 20s have the most power in that they're at the top of the totem pole in the dating hierarchy. They're the most desired age group biologically — in terms of childbearing ability, in terms of their appearance and also just in their attitude. When you're in your late 20s, you feel very confident and very on top of the world, and you haven't become jaded by being out there dating for 15 years. I'm not saying this to scare women, but I just think people need to be aware of it, because when you are in your late 20s, you think, Oh, even when I'm 38, someone will see how special and charming and lovely I am. And they might, but it's going to be a lot easier when you are 28 if you give the really good guys that are available to you a chance. Because those guys are going to be married by the time you are 38.
Q: How did writing this book change you and your own situation?
There's a short bald guy with a bow tie on the cover, emblematic of what happened to my dating life. There was a guy on Match.com that I didn't even want to e-mail because he was wearing a bow tie in his profile, and I said, What kind of dork wears a bow tie? And then I thought his career sounded boring because it said he was in real estate. I just made all these assumptions. I think a lot of us do that, whether it's online or in the real world. So Evan, my dating coach, really encouraged me to e-mail this guy because of the other things that were good about his profile. I did, and I ended up really connecting with him and we ended up dating for a few months. I was very, very happy in that relationship. What I did learn was that I can be genuinely attracted to people that I make assumptions about, and it's really helped me to not do that because I never would have ended up in a relationship with this guy. I was hugely bummed when it ended. Still am.